Funeral etiquette

[StarlingTheConqueror]

I’m helping dh cousin to organise a funeral for her father (not dh uncle). And I’m a bit baffled by it all. Now I’m not British. I’ve been to a few funerals in the U.K. but still….
Can I ask what you’d see as ‘normal’ for a funeral?

1- you’d expect direct family members to come with their +1 (not the new bf/gf but significant other/partner/married)
2- people asking who is going to do the eulogy because ‘Theyre looking forward to learn more about <insert name of the deceased>’. These are direct family members.
3- people being open'y critical that there is no church service and only the very close family (that will be the cousin and his 2 dds. Atm he doesn’t want anyone else there) will be at the crematorium.

Im trying to field a lot of the questions/comments for him and I’m baffled as to what to answer…..

Er, sounds like they're not having a funeral?

Memorial service or gathering or wake instead?

If it's a usual funeral, it's a public event & anyone can come, bringing whoever they want. We had a family funeral last year & had no clue on numbers, lots more came than expected but it worked out.

i am struggling a bit with your post but I’d not be bothered who came if they wanted to pay their respects. It can be a neighbour, girlfriend whoever. I’d say unless the deceased was very religious, most funerals are at a crematorium. They aren’t invite only. Anyone can attend.

Yes, this.

Also I'm struggling to see what's wrong with looking forward to the eulogy to learn more about his past life?

Not everyone knows the history of everyone in their family.

Direct family to attend with established partners - yes, I'd expect that but equally wouldn't find it odd if the partner didnt come.

Immediate family wanting to learn more about the deceased thru the eulogy - not that unusual. I live a long way from my immediate family so, whilst they know about my life, they dont know my friends or colleagues. Similarly I learned a lot about his childhood and third marriage from my dad's funeral.

Small service and few welcome at the crematorium - does sound unusual but context is important. Other people might feel close to the deceased and this could be important, so your friend might consider their feelings. Or maybe they just have fixed ideas of the right way of doing things. Since there's going to be a eulogy it sounds as if a larger service is also planned.

Another who is confused as you are not describing a funeral but a memorial service. A funeral is an open event, anyone can go, whereas a memorial service is invitation only. That’s probably why you are getting weird responses/feedback.

Yes, you would think that people invited would bring a partner. Regarding eulogies if anyone really wants to do one, then they need to keep it short, just a couple of minutes, most services are 30/40 minutes, 3 songs/hymns so there isn’t a lot of spare time, but if more want to say something, then you can leave out one of the songs/hymns. Once you meet with the vicar, you will know more about the service.

Also coming on to say like others it isn't a funeral which is probably why you are getting questions. A funeral is an open event and yes plus ones wouldn't be automatically expected but certainly not a surprise either.

Telling people there is a funeral but that nobody is allowed to come is very odd.

Regular funerals in the UK - they’re public events, anyone can attend we do not send out ‘invites’. In a church the Vicar will often do the eulogy after speaking with the relatives. In a crematorium it is usually a Celebrant or similar officiant.

So only dh’s cousin and her children will be there yes? There’s no eulogy, just turn up at the crematorium for a few minutes? So as others have said, that’s not a funeral. Just explain to people that he wanted a direct cremation and that’s what they’re doing. Not sure what help they need for that tbh. What exactly is being organised?

So the deceased was very clear they didn’t want a church service.
There will be a wake and non religious service (where the eulogy will be said) but not at the crematorium (which I believe is what a lot of people do??).
There is a clear issue with numbers at the crematorium. Numbers are much smaller than any church setting.

Lots of pressure on dh cousin to do things a certain way which is why he has retreated into ‘no one but me and the dcs’ at the crematorium.
Tbf this guy has lost his dad. His own wife died about 1 year ago and his dad was his only family left (mum died when he was about 2yo, no siblings etc….). His DCs are primary age too. And he is struggling. A lot.

I have always wondered about the etiquette of the 'after-funeral' gathering (is it called a wake?)
The funeral bit is public, whether in a church or a crematorium, but then in my experience at the end of the service someone announces there will be tea and sandwiches at X hotel or X private address (sometimes the deceased's home) - in which case how on earth do you know how many to cater for?

And if you have a more distant connection, say as a work colleague or friend from a particular social club, is it polite to go to for the tea and food, or is that a rude imposition?

Also from all the posts, I get non religious funerals just aren’t a thing?

This might be where people are at cross wire with the cousin.
And Tbf, I haven’t been to a funeral that wasn’t religious before either….

I think you need to be clear to people that there will be a very small, private funeral and then a memorial to which all are welcome and give them those details.

Making any reference to this event that is not at either church or crematorium as a funeral is just going to confuse people

Not at all. Plenty of crematorium funerals are not religious.

Also re direct cremation, are they still considered ‘funeral’ where everyone and anyone can drop by? The rooms at tge crematoriums I’ve been to have always been small (10~20 people maybe?)

Direct cremation specifically means no attendees.

Plenty of crematoria have rooms big enough for 100+ people.

So this means you can’t have a non religious ‘service’ anywhere but at the crematorium?

You can have a memorial service anywhere you like but if you call it a funeral people will expect it to be in a traditional venue and it to be open invitation.

Generally anyone is welcome at a funeral. Sometimes people go to funerals who haven't ever met the deceased in order for example to support their friend.

Crematoriums hold non religious funerals all the time, I been at non religious services with both very small and very large numbers of attendees.

I think what you are talking about is a private funeral. That’s an unusual choice but it’s up to the family. You don’t have to give a eulogy if you don’t chose to.

Beware people like to attend funerals to show love and respect for both the deceased AND their loved ones. If you keep everyone away the grieving person might find people step well back and then he’ll feel unsupported.

You can have it wherever you it - my mum's was a graveside service led by a humanist celebrant.

A funeral service is open to whoever wants to go, it's not an invitation thing. Your window cleaner and your second cousin's best friend can attend if they want.

A direct cremation is different - no one is there, it happens 'offstage' so to speak and you can collect ashes or have them scattered on your behalf by the crematorium.

You can have a Humanist celebrant (non-religious) and the funeral can still be at the crematorium. We had this for my MIL who had been very clear about "no religion". We then had a small gathering at a local hotel with food and drink.

I recently went to a woodland burial and the outdoor "service" was conducted by a Humanist celebrant who then spoke afterwards at the wake/celebration. She had spent a lot of time with the immediate family of the deceased so her eulogy was very personal and included all the things that the family wanted to say. It was lovely and gave everyone the chance to be together and share their memories.

We had a direct cremation for my Mum - none of us went (long story!) but I think we could have been there if we had wanted to.

With some direct cremations they let you know the time the deceased is being taken there so you can be there when the hearse arrives but you don’t go in and have a service

Many services at a crematorium are non-religious

I have recently been to a memorial service. There had been a private burial with only close family attending that. The memorial service was held in a church but it doesn’t have to be

It's a bit like weddings where everyone has an idea of what's expected, so if you're doing something different, then that does need to be communicated well.

If it's a direct cremation, no-one will be at the crem, so this sounds different again.

I've been to non religious funerals. The person conducting would be called a celebrant rather than priest or vicar. It has been in the crem though. They would speak about the deceased, I can't remember what was said instead of a prayer, probably some positive affirmation of life etc?

Funeral services are often advertised (in a death notice) as "private" or "family only". I've been to one in our house growing up, it certainly wasn't open to the public. At a crematorium you can usually choose a different sized room depending on how many people you think the deceased would have known who are likely to come.