Does anyone find going on holiday immensely stressful?

[unlikelychump]

My dh and I have a stressful relationship. We are where we are and try to do our best. We have 3 kids.

I'd love to hear what it is like for other similar families getting ready for holiday so I can tell if my life is abnormally brain exploding???

I’ve given up holidays because I realised that the stress and hassle outweighed the benefits for me. I don’t miss them.

Nope I work full time and compared to that it’s a relaxation.

This is clearly a DH problem.

You have choices here.

You can go without him.

You can tell him the flight is 90 minutes earlier than it actually is.

You can leave without him and say “meet you at the airport “

I wouldn’t tolerate all this avoidable, and possibly deliberately stress inducing behaviour from DH.

Yes but all my holidays are £££££ and involve loads of admin like rabies vaccinations and wild camping in places I might get eaten by a hippo so that is a bit stressful. If I just had to clean the house before I left and pack a few bits I don’t think I’d find that too bad.

why isn’t your husband doing some of this work? What does he say when you sit down to split the jobs up?

I'm currently away and the number of people travelling with huge cases is unreal. They stagger down the stairs and try to find space for then on trains. We have a cabin bag regardless of how long we're away for and as pp said, when it's a couple of t shirts and a pair of shorts it really isn't stressful.

I am so glad to see that there are others who struggle with going on holiday. I always feel it’s something I SHOULD do, rather than something I WANT to do. I envy people who take it in their stride and love it and, while I have enjoyed experiencing new places over the years, I’d rather be at home. I think a lot of my dislike of going on holiday is anxiety driven. I always have horrible dreams about missing trains or ending up on the wrong plane😅

I genuinely wonder how many of these useless husbands are probably undiagnosed autistic men who struggle immensely with transitions, planning and executive function. They basically need to be "taken" on holiday like a small child and have their mum do all the packing, thinking and organising for them. They masked hard enough so they have a job where they can pay for a holiday but they're entirely incapable of dealing with the logistics. Hence why they get moody and angry leading up to the hols since they're trying to indirectly force the wife to take over as many duties as possible.

I've also decided to boycott holidays for the time being. DH can pack for himself (which already seems like a step up compared to some husbands here) but can't manage anything else. One of the things I despise when trying to leave the house with kids is that you clean the house, start packing, then someone inevitably gets hungry and you have to unpack the entire kitchen to cook something, clean up, take the trash out hoping nobody gets hungry again so you generate more trash, and there's ongoing mess being made all the time. You're essentially doing a full home tidy while trying to put things in a suitcase and having to deal with last-min fire fighting with spilled mess, lost items, etc and all while under time stress. All this time the DH is sitting on the sofa on his phone, stimming his mind away trying to cope with the transition. Either that or he's just narcissistic twat trying to ensure the wife has as tough of a time as possible (doesn't change anything in the end anyway).

Why go away then?

@User9767475my husband is definitely undiagnosed autistic and so are my teens. Which makes for a difficult dynamic on holiday. I go away with just the youngest and I can adapt the holiday to suit her and we have a lovely time. X

Yes I think this makes a massive, massive difference to the experience of having a holiday. DH has masked so hard that he's internalised the idea every family "must" go on holiday twice year, which is not made any easier seeing all his neurotypical friends do this with ease. He insists on doing this but aside from booking and paying, the rest is a total nightmare. He clearly gets dysregulated by being out of routine and has loads of sensory issues, which results in him sometimes just going to bed in the middle of the day for hours and scrolling on his phone in a dark room. Or goes non-verbal and literally doesn't talk for 3 hours while we're in the middle of a busy museum. And he still refuses to admit he's the problem. So I've laid down a boundary and said no more hols until the kids are older and (hopefully) less work for me.

From your update it seems clear it’s a DH problem. He’s not doing his fair share nor the things he said he’d do, then being moody.

relationship problems can make holidays difficult too.

You also mention skiing, which is a higher-maintenance holiday IME.

Indeed! 😂

So. You don't hate holidays, you hate your useless husband. That's fair enough!

Yes I think this. I also think that maybe OP needs a different kind of holiday - like you say, skiing is high maintenance and involves a lot of prep.
OP is your husband actually happy with these holidays? You say maybe he would prefer a different kind of holiday - perhaps that’s the issue? Maybe he would pull his weight more if it was something he was more invested in. You don’t have to spend a week lying on a sun lounger feeling bored, but maybe there’s a compromise. A city break, so plenty to do, hotel so no self catering, and somewhere with good transport so no one has to drive if they don’t want the hassle.

I pack up to a week in advance, pack lightly so there’s not much to remember, I help the younger dc to pack and make sure towels and family toiletries are in - dh is in charge of tech, he makes sure everyone has plugs, chargers and so on, sometimes something is forgotten (usually someone’s socks) but it’s not the end of the world. The only thing I find stressful is the washing when we get home

I was brought up in a house where my parents bless them were very anxious about this kind of thing.
I used to be the same but after 25 years with DH I am quite zen now. He travelled a lot as a child - boarding school, parents moving around abroad - and later in his life. He just says “passports tickets phone money charger’ - if we forget anything else it’s not a disaster. If we leave and the house is a tip it’s not ideal but not a disaster it can be sorted when we get back. Someone has forgotten their shorts well there are clothes shops abroad.

Just me and DH, no. However, we’re trying to arrange a holiday involving DSS following his GCSEs this year and it’s so stressful. I think we’ve finally decided on the country but now it’s the dates. His mother ‘might’ be going on a three day break during the time we wanted to go but won’t commit to booking it. She’s got form for saying that she’ll do things and then just not doing them last minute so we’re tempted to just book our holiday on our chosen dates, even if they ‘clash’. Bearing in mind nothing has been booked and we’ve been asking for final date clarification for around 5 months!!!!

We are retired but these are tips that have evolved over the years:

A list of things you need to take.
Different lists for different types of holiday.
A supermarket list for when you get there if you are going self catering.
A list of all the jobs you need to do before you leave.

All the lists are stored and have been used many times over the years.

I do not completely unpack after I have been away. Anything that I use on holiday only stays in a suitcase. I keep a holiday set of toiletries in the suitcase too. One of the jobs I have when I get back from holiday is to top them up ready for the next trip.

I always have a ready to go toiletry bag on stand by too.

I do everything here too. Lists, lists and lists. I also have a holiday notebook, as soon as one is booked I write down everything that needs to be done - flights, accommodation, transfers, visas, whatever, and then each is ticked off as and when. I usually have several holidays and weekend breaks a year. Also keep toiletries and sun lotion in my bag just for going away, they usually last all year and then at the end I’ll use them up and buy new for the following year. Young adult kids here, sometimes they come with us and sometimes they have their own holidays, and then they’re asking for my lists to see if they’ve forgotten anything 😄

Doesn't everyone have a packing list?
It's just common sense.

DH is on regular medication and has a CPAP machine. We simply can't forget these essentials when going away so they are always on the list, along with an extension lead.

You would be surprised at the number of hotels that don't have power outlets by the bed.

I’ve travelled loads and been on lots of lovely holidays over the years …but suddenly find that in my mid 40’s I’ve lost interest in going abroad. I’d much rather go on several different 2 or 3 night UK mini breaks spread throughout the year - a combination of luxury/spa hotels, wild camping, a city break with concert tickets etc.

I find holidays abroad just too much of a palaver now and I hate leaving my animals for too long.

Doesn't everyone have a packing list?
It's just common sense.

Yes - it’s stored on OneDrive and I wouldn’t contemplate a holiday without it!

Yes but we have the same high stress level leaving the house for school/work and also for days out on weekends, so holidays is a more exciting kind of stress.

I only pack for the 10yo the 12 and 13 have packed for themselves for years. But I do the food, snacks, coats, boots,ski kit, passports, timings, hotels, meals, etc etc. I ask him to double check the france driving list (high vis etc),empty the bins and clean the rubbish out the car etc. If he doesn't then he doesn't but I get stressed because he acts like he will then doesn't so I am left running around doing his jobs at the last minute,having done all my jobs in good time

Why don't you insist he does the last minute jobs last minute so he get stressed- or get the 12 and 13 year old to help with them prior or leave them not done?

I had a couple of incidents where I had to push last minute stuff on DH as I couldn't do or or was fed up sorting him double or triple booking himself - when he had the stress of sorting it stopped.