DNA results: lied to about origins by both parents

[Greenwitchart]

I did a DNA test with ancestry because I suspected as an adult that both my parents had not been honest about their family background.

I already knew my mother had hidden the fact that she was an illegitimate child as my grand father was married and had another family when she was born. She always told me with a straight face that the reason she did not have her father surname was a mistake at the registry office...

Then the DNA test confirmed the man who my father claimed was his father was not. It also revealed that alongside my Italian, English, Scottish and German DNA I also have a 23% DNA from a Maghreb country so that confirms as well the fact that he is a product of an affair my grand mother had.

This means I have a random surname and relatives on both sides I have never met and a different heritage/ethnic background I was never made aware of and could not enjoy or learn about.

It confirms my suspicion but I am also angry. My father is dead and I have no contact with my mother so there won't be any big showdown. But it still leaves me with some turmoil.

I wonder if anyone else has gone through similar and how you coped with this.

I think Eric Clapton has something like this in his family, there was a documentary about him and his history. Very interesting. He was quite angry as a child I understand once he understood it all

Yes this

And just to say OP, one of the most helpful things Ive ever learned in life is that not all feelings are valid actually. The skill is trying to balance that out and manage it.

These paid-for for a few quid ancestry DNA kits aren't actual personal DNA kits.

They group people into DNA ethnic and ancestry grouping based on the other data they have from other people who have paid for the kits and then give you a percentage probability that you share a percentage of DNA from other people in that group based on the other DNA data they have from other people in that group that have also paid for those tests.

They can't tell you anything about the actual DNA of your actual parents or Grandparents, they tell you broad ethnicity data based on the limited date they have.

You're getting in a tizz claiming your parents lied to you based on nothing more than a broad ethnic DNA test which is only given as a % based on the other data they have where other people have also paid for the testing.

And they TELL you that when they sell it to you.

@Greenwitchart Regarding your late father's ancestry you say:

23% DNA from a Maghreb country
and also:
I was always told his family came from the South of France

In all likelihood they did. Did you know that the Maghreb countries were French colonies? So it is entirely possible that your father's family 'came from the South of France', but their origins prior to that were colonial. If your father told you his ancestors came from France, that is likely true. It doesn't mean he lied to you about his ethnicity. He probably didn't know where they came from before that.

I hope this information is of help. 🙂

You would benefit from listening to "the Gift" on the BBC sounds app. It explores the complex emotions around DNA discovery in a variety of situations.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/p0gd2dgb

If your parents were both conceived as a result of affairs then could shame or embarrassment, or a desire to protect their parents be part of why you were never told the truth? I think whatever you are feeling is valid - I think any of us would be shocked to learn that we aren't who we thought we were and that we've been lied to or misled by our own parents. This is why it's recommended that you have counselling before you do these tests if you are at all unsure of your heritage or suspect that there may be family secrets - because it IS distressing and upsetting and can stir up all kinds of emotions.

I am adopted. I have not traced my birth parents. I hope my DC aren’t angry with me

The tests can be useful as a guide but aren’t meant to be taken as accurate.

Your parents may not have known the truth. They may or may not have known why they told you was a lie. It’s also possible they believed in an alternative truth and were trying to hide that.

Do you usually have such an anger issues?

I’m in a near identical situation. An ancestry test showed a load of half cousins who I matched to. So after chatting to them online we have worked out who my biological grandad is. In my case I’m sure my mum didn’t know and she died before I found out.

none of my half cousins want to meet or fill me in on any aunts or uncles I may have which I’m sad about but understand.

And like you it uncovered a different ethnic background for me. I totally understand the ethnicity estimate of the dna tests aren’t always accurate but obviously when it uncovers new ancestors with a known ethnicity that’s different.

My grandad was in his 70s when he found all this out. He wasn't angry about it though he mainly just felt really sad for his mother who'd felt she had to lie about it, such as who her father was and the fact that she wasn't allowed to bring up her own daughter but had to pretend she was her sister.

I think it's extremely common to find skeletons hidden away in all families. My Nan sat my Mum and her brother down in their late teens as she had 'something important to tell them, that she hoped wouldn't change their opinion of her'. It turned out that my Nan's parents 'had to get married', as my Great Grandmother was pregnant with my Nan, when she married!!! My Mum and her brother weren't in the least bit bothered. My Nan was born in 1914, when there would absolutely have been a stigma, and even when my Mum and her brother were born, that stigma still existed.

My Dad's family has more skeletons than a grave yard. Pregnancy before marriage, children born out of wedlock, secret children, affairs, children brought up by someone who isn't actually their biological Dad...you name it, it's there.

I think Eric Clapton found out that the woman he thought was his sister was his mother and his parents were his grandparents. I deeply believe that every child has the right to know who their parents are and keeping it from them is very wrong, but people of a different generation not disclosing their own background (which they might not even entirely know or understand, or find shameful) is different.

There are some very good posts upthread about the unreliability of some of these tests, the reasons why France/possible Maghrebi heritage might not have been a lie and also why your parents might not have wanted to talk about it OP. I've disproved a number of myths about my own family heritage by some very elementary genealogy and also don't doubt that there are any number of 'kinks' in very many family trees. Even the well documented can throw up a few puzzles (eg Richard III)

The parentage of your parents was your parents and grandparents business. Your parents may not have even known. I could understand anger if you had been lied to about who your parents were or if you had unknown siblings but this seems to be an overreaction.

You're being incredibly dramatic about all this.

This information is not exclusively yours. Arguably, it’s more relevant to your parents than to you as you’re one step removed from the consequences. Your parents dealt with their parentage as they thought best. Now it’s for you to deal with your grandparentage as you think best. Be angry, sure, but where will that get you? In this instance, with a deceased father and a NC mother, it’s an unproductive emotion.

I also think you’d do well to not let your anger cloud your understanding of these results, although it seems clear this is about your resentment towards them rather than facts. The Maghreb/South of France situation is extremely complex and I’m not at all surprised by what you’ve said about your father. It doesn’t reflect on you, many would argue.

All of us, including you, make choices at various forms in the road for various reasons. None of us, including you, know how they will pan out for sure. You don’t know for sure how your choice to do this DNA test will impact you and your children or grandchildren. Wouldn’t you be better off using the energy directed towards anger to accept this knowledge and move on fruitfully?

Your reaction seems completely disproportionate- I can’t understand why you’re angry. Maybe your parents didn’t know the truth, or if they do that was their information, not yours.

You can learn about your ancestry now though? You wouldn’t have gotten that from your parents anyway as they didn’t identify with this themselves. People have ancestry from all over the place but often dont know a thing about those places as they weren’t raised there or their own parents didn’t know or take an interest.

How can you be certain your dad knew? Your dad’s internalised racism could’ve been due to having no positive connection to his biological dad’s country/ culture. This wouldn’t have been encouraged if he was the result of an affair and sounds like a lot of overcompensation to try to distance himself or make himself feel closer to the dad who raised him. (Though it goes without saying these views are completely unacceptable).

Was he born at a time when mixed race relationships were taboo? I think lots of families have secrets/ open secrets like this and it was much more common in the past for people to believe in letting sleeping dogs lie.

my late aunt died young before I was born was given “a random surname” the story was “your grandmother asked our friends if she could use their name” wtaf? whereas my other aunt and uncle still alive have 2 different surnames but claim the same dad still alive as some of the others! my dad clearly doesn’t know the truth and neither do I 🤷🏽‍♀️ also not being married isn’t much of a shame in our family/culture so why weren’t they all given the mum’s surname? so what I’m saying is there can definitely be random surnames

About 1:4 people in marseille have north african ancestry due to collonial links. Your grandparent could easily have been from ‘the south of france’

Remember OP, that far back, there were very few contraceptives. Sex education was almost non existent. Shotgun weddings and children who's dad was not their dad, were very common.

Also OP, bear in mind that as recently as the 70s pregnant girls were forced to give up babies. They were given no choice. Of course families hid things. You can have no idea the circumstances your forebears faced but you could think a little more kindly of them.

I agree that anger is an unusual reaction to this information. It also seems somewhat disproportionate - it’s not as though you have discovered that you were adopted, or that your father was not your biological father. I think you should ask yourself why you are so angry about this , I couldn’t care less about actions of my long dead great grandparents.

it was your parents’ information more than yours. I think you’re centering yourself here inappropriately.

I think maybe this is misplaced anger, as you’re angry about your family background and child hood. Mayne seeing a therapist to unpick thay and try to come to terms about it as an adult, would help.

you also don’t speak logically. First off you say you did it as you suspected, then you turn it to they knew for sure and you already knew they lied as you knew this. It can’t be both. It feels like you doubled down as you didn’t like being challenged. But people are tying to understand where your real issue lies and the reality of your situation.

if that’s the case, what did you want from the thread?

I’m glad someone else has had this thought. I don’t actually have DC but it’s what ran through my mind when I read the OP.

OP I say this as an adopted person who has none of the information that you have uncovered (caveat: how reliable was your test?)… it doesn’t change who you are, who your parents are and how they brought you up.

You feel anger at the lying but maybe it came from a place of shame, protection or much bigger issues at play. I agree with others who have said you might benefit from talking this through if it is bothering you a lot.