DNA results: lied to about origins by both parents

[Greenwitchart]

I did a DNA test with ancestry because I suspected as an adult that both my parents had not been honest about their family background.

I already knew my mother had hidden the fact that she was an illegitimate child as my grand father was married and had another family when she was born. She always told me with a straight face that the reason she did not have her father surname was a mistake at the registry office...

Then the DNA test confirmed the man who my father claimed was his father was not. It also revealed that alongside my Italian, English, Scottish and German DNA I also have a 23% DNA from a Maghreb country so that confirms as well the fact that he is a product of an affair my grand mother had.

This means I have a random surname and relatives on both sides I have never met and a different heritage/ethnic background I was never made aware of and could not enjoy or learn about.

It confirms my suspicion but I am also angry. My father is dead and I have no contact with my mother so there won't be any big showdown. But it still leaves me with some turmoil.

I wonder if anyone else has gone through similar and how you coped with this.

The closest family you are missing out on will be cousins and maybe aunts and uncles.

I'm not sure how I would react if someone came and told me we shared a grandfather. I certainly wouldn’t see them as family but would be friendly

What test did you do? Parentage DNA needs parental DNA to test as well as yours?

My grandmother was conceived out of wedlock and her mother rhad a shotgun marriage. She was very ashamed of this and became very upset when my father started to do ancestry work. It was a very different time with very different social mores.

Nobody has lied to you - your mother is still your mother and your father is still your father. The fact that you’ve potentially unearthed some previously unknown information about THEIR parents is completely irrelevant. You appear to have absolutely no empathy for how they must have felt growing up (if they did know the truth about their parentage) and this speaks volumes. Instead of thinking ‘ooh I’ve discovered something interesting about my grandparents’, you’re thinking ‘oh poor me, no one told me who my real grandparents were’.
It makes not a blind bit of difference to who you are!

Reframe it... you have the opportunity to look into a culture, your culture. You have the opportunity to look for families members - if you wish.
You could also choose a new surname or find out a family surname... if you choose.

Or you can find peace with things that happened in a very different time and move on.

Be careful about taking the DNA ethnicity results as gospel. Connections to blood relatives? Yes. Ethnicity? Not necessarily. With ethnicity they just compare you to a panel in those countries. Five years ago, my DNA results said I was 5% Greek (the rest was British and Scandinavian). In the updates the following year, it changed to Italian. Now it's gone completely.

Your small percentages could come from a marriage 200 years ago.

The only way you're going to shed light on this is to build a family tree ( try Ancestry) and find birth certificates etc. You can also search birth records on the FreeBMD index and find mothers' maiden names, etc. Good luck!

Yes the ethnicity results when its something like 10% or 4% or something, are often a load of rubbish

Enjoy finding out about your 'new' family and heritage, it will be fun following up on all the new relationships. I don't necessarily mean contacting people, although you could, but just tracing your family history.

I found a few complications in my family and some people who remain rather mysterious that I cannot trace. I found my GF had a half brother, his father obviously had at least one child out of wedlock and my GFs mother is illusive as well.

Don't take it personally all families have their skeletons. Parents do what they think is best at the time, there may have been good reason not to tell you everything when you were young and then it's very difficult to correct things later.

OP, is this about being angry with your parents about your upbringing and wanting to have more ammunition to be angry with? Your parents didn't choose their parents any more than you chose yours, and sooner or later you have to let go of the anger.

Your dad is dead and you are NC with your mum. That's all you can do. Don't let the anger go back another generation. Live your best life.

Why are you angry at your parents? They are not to blame for their parents behaviour, dont forget that its not too many years ago that bearing children out of wedlock was shameful. Thankfully that is no longer the case in most quarters.
I would imagine there are many people around the world who have had a shock when they have done a DNA test and secrets from the past are uncovered x

You were looking for proof of something.

You now know that 2 generations ago relationships were complicated.
The stories you were told don't match the facts.
Even if there was someone to confront, all they could say would be 'Things were different then.'
Take some comfort that someone was trying to protect the younger more innocent you @Greenwitchart
Just because you find out something about someone, it doesn't change who they were. All that has changed is how you view them.

I do understand your reaction is one of shock, my grandmother who I loved had affairs out of wedlock and my grandfather was certainly not my dad’s father.
This only came out after my parents divorced and my mother told me, otherwise I would never have been told.

My father has never told me although it does explain the terrible relationship between him and his mother, he was one of nine children.

Couples were married for life then. Divorce was not a choice. Contraception was unavailable and scandal could get you kicked out of the house with no social security safety net.

I don’t think we can relate to a different era, the rules are different now.

Hi OP, if you want to talk to people who have similar experiences and understand what you’ve been through, I recommend heading over to Facebook and requesting to join “NPE Network”.

This has been set up for people who have a “Not Parent Expected” result from a DNA test. Everything you are feeling, including anger is a natural reaction and these groups can help you process it. Best wishes,

I feel for you OP, as i was lied to by my parents about the identity of my real father and by the time i found out and processed it my biological father had passed and I have had to deal with mourning the missed opportunity. Although who knows how that would have turned out had i got the chance? There is no guarantee you would have been welcomed in by a ‘new family’.

The important thing is looking forward. Understand that your parents made decisions that were of their time (mine: catholics covering up infidelity instead of facing the shame of divorce in a community where it was considered unacceptable ) and do what you can for yourself to get to know your heritage and background.
Sit down and write a letter to your parents expressing how you feel. You dont have to send it but it will help. Carrying around the anger will not serve you well.

To add to my post OP, i do intend to tell my DC about my parentage and ultimately their background, but i will wait until they are old enough to processthis and understand the wider context. I may also wait until my (now elderly) mother has passed as my DC have a very loving relationship with her and i wouldnt want that to change. She made mistakes but we have all moved on. Its never a straight forward set of circumstances.

The dna ancestry stuff is notoriously unreliable. 23 percent...suggests a grandparent right enough. But who knows. Could be a mix of 10 from here and 5 and 8 from somewhere else and be the result of ancestry from years ago.

You're 80 percent European right? so what's all this 'my ethnic heritage' bs? Lol.

I thought you were going to say you found out that you were adopted, or that your father was not your biological father.
It seems both of those were not the case.
This is just about your grandparents.
In which case, there is nothing for you to be concerned about. Not your business.

I second those who have said you should go for counselling - there is something else going on with you.

What makes you think your parents knew all this? They didn't have DNA tests years ago. They had to assume what their own parents led them to believe was correct and is they suspected otherwise things like illegimacy were a real stigma in times gone by so unsurprising they didn't want to broadcast it.

Family is so much more than DNA. It's the people who brought you up and gave grown up with you and then raised your own children with you.

You're making this about you when these stories belong far more to your respective parents as they concern their parents. I obviously have no idea how old you are, but as others have pointed out, the past is a foreign country and they really did do things differently there. I was born illegitimate (the word doesn't bother me) in the early 60s and although my mother kept me, even in the age of the Beatles there was still a lot of judgement of anything deviating from the 'norm' in some circles.

I'd advise proceeding with extreme caution in tracking down any missing relatives, for your own sake. I'm not saying don't, but there are no guarantees that approaches from you will be well received and I'm talking from personal experience.

Frankly Op you sound judgemental about things beyond your parents' control.

Something slightly similar happened in my family. About a decade ago my grandad was doing his family history when he discovered that his mother, who at that point was long dead, was actually illegitimate and the person she always said was her father was actually her stepfather. She was actually born in a mother and baby home to an unwed teenage mother. Perhaps more devastatingly, he also discovered that the person he thought was his aunt was actually his much older sister who his mother had when she was a teenager herself, and her own mother decided to pretend that the baby was hers. I understand this sort of thing was very common back in the day when there was such a stigma about unmarried mothers having babies.

My point is it is no use blaming your parents as there is a good chance they didn't have the full picture. They are also innocent in this scenario and had no control over the circumstances of their conception.

I would suggest you seek counselling to try and process these feelings that you're having about this.

The irony!

I found out similar about my grandmother. I don't think that it was that unusual but it was shameful to illegitimate. In my lifetime, so 60 years that has changed 100%.
I think you need to look at it through the lens of how interesting DNA is rather than anything else

I think YABU

Not sure what you wanted from the test result.

But it's not either of your parents fault who their parents were. And they may not even have been aware of it.

100 years ago this wouldnt have been an issue.

It's only an issue because you did the test. Which isn't even 100% accurate.

I would take the percentages with a pinch of salt.

Not sure what closure you were expecting but if all you wanted was the truth, they you have it. You just need to come to terms with it.

Maybe turn it around and try and look at things positively - this gives you an insight into your parents and why they may have been the way there were. Perhaps if you can approach it with empathy it may help you forgive