DNA results: lied to about origins by both parents

[Greenwitchart]

I did a DNA test with ancestry because I suspected as an adult that both my parents had not been honest about their family background.

I already knew my mother had hidden the fact that she was an illegitimate child as my grand father was married and had another family when she was born. She always told me with a straight face that the reason she did not have her father surname was a mistake at the registry office...

Then the DNA test confirmed the man who my father claimed was his father was not. It also revealed that alongside my Italian, English, Scottish and German DNA I also have a 23% DNA from a Maghreb country so that confirms as well the fact that he is a product of an affair my grand mother had.

This means I have a random surname and relatives on both sides I have never met and a different heritage/ethnic background I was never made aware of and could not enjoy or learn about.

It confirms my suspicion but I am also angry. My father is dead and I have no contact with my mother so there won't be any big showdown. But it still leaves me with some turmoil.

I wonder if anyone else has gone through similar and how you coped with this.

You aren't allowing for the social ramifications of admitting to an affair or illegitimacy two generations ago. Nor do I understand why you are so angry.

You don't know you were lied to. You don't know who knew. DNA has been trackable for such a short time, even the individuals concerned won't have known their heritage for sure.

I didn't know until after she died that my DM was half Jewish. Given that she was born in the 1920s in Europe, the fact that her mother hid the fact probably saved their lives.

Judging your relatives by today's standards isn't sensible or fair. I'd spend time learning about the various cultures but try to understand that they almost certainly avoided disclosure (if they knew) for the best of reasons.

Finally, I'm not sure how reliable Ancestry really is.

My paternal Grandfather never knew who his father was (no father listed on the birth certificate) and his mother never formally acknowledged him as her son (he was raised by her older sisters). She did however acknowledge my dad and his sibling as grandchildren. My "maiden" name was her family name.

I imagine she made the best choices she could as a girl in that time period.

I don’t think anyone anticipated the level of skeletons from closets with these DNA tests. My poor friend found out through Ancestry testing that she was donor conceived. She’d never been told

I do think we have all fallen within the generation of dishonesty from people who had affairs, babies out of wedlock and used dodgy methods to conceive a child. I feel like I know so many people who think/thought their stepfather was their real dad well into adulthood.

I think things have changed as stigmas have changed.

But dishonesty about parentage is far and wide reaching. YANBU OP. I hope you find peace and answers in your journey

YABVU, so I assume there’s a lot more to this? Why did you suspect for a long time, do you have visible maghrebi traits and were bullied over it?

I did an Ancestry test as well as I know very little about my family (grandma was an orphan, grandpa was illegitimate), but to hold it against your family is odd - they may not have known and even if they did, they may have just tried to shield you. Who knows?

Youre still on time to learn about cultures, but it’s just %, is it that life defining? I turned out to only be 35% my country of origin! The rest was all over the place.

How do you know your parents lied ? I think you love having a reason to blame them. When in actual fact you do not know what they were told about their parentage. Your Parents did not have access to dna or ancestry.com.
I wonder if you didn't have a North African heritage to "enjoy" but just a European heritage would you be so angry towards your parents.

What DNA test was this? performed by whom?

sorry - edited - as I was wrong! Apologies for quoting you.

We must share a sister ! My sister done the same thing and lied to her children. Only problem was there is one single photograph of my Nephew at the wedding, not an official photo but a snap that was taken by a relative.

I think your anger is misplaced and unreasonable.

My paternal grandmother was raped during the war, so my uncle has a different father to his siblings. It was never discussed and only came to light when my sister got heavily into researching the family tree and genealogy.

My maternal grandfather was the product of his mother who was in service, and the Lord of the Manor where he worked. He was brought up from birth by his two “maiden aunts “ and didn’t find out the truth until adulthood.

I explain this only to show how common this kind of scenario was. No point in getting all riled up by things you have zero control over.

How is it really affecting you? Can you elaborate?

I did one of these tests once. Both my great grandfather and great grandmother were German, born and bred. I am absolutely the double of my father, who was the double of his, so no doubt there. DNA came back mostly English and Scottish, a bit of Italian and a bit Finnish. Not even a tiny percent German in me according to the test.

I have lots of DNA matches of surnames I have never heard of.

Maybe they didn't know, but I wouldn't take these tests as gospel either.

@Greenwitchart I'm sorry you are so upset at the results of your DNA test, but, if you've understood them correctly, then your parents are still your parents and they may not have even known that things were not as they were told when they were growing up and if they did, having a baby when not married was an absolute stigma which people didn't broadcast, because of the very real shame and judgement imposed on them - AND the baby from the relationship. Times have indeed changed, relatively recently in real time terms

But are you absolutely sure that you have interpreted the results correctly? For one thing, any results are only as good as the number of your relatives have also done a DNA test on the same Site.

Ancestry doesn't tell you for sure that someone with whom you share DNA is a specific relation - it suggests matches, rather. The closest one that came up for me was 15% - but Ancestry says this person could be a 1st cousin or half aunt and could be related on both/either my paternal and maternal sides. According to Google '23% of shared DNA can indicate typically indicates a close familial relationship, most commonly a half-sibling, grandparent, grandchild, aunt/uncle, or niece/nephew. This means you share about a quarter of your autosomal DNA, inherited from a recent common ancestor'.

When it comes to the ethnicity - 23% of the ethnicity could have been from at a minimum several generations ago and via different people

123&Me produces results in a different manner so it will show you connections with other people who have also taken a DNA test and where they sit on an actual Family Tree - but lots of blank spaces if DNA test hasn't been done

I don't understand therefore, how you are so sure that your Grandfather is not your bio-Grandfather? And I do think it is much too big a leap to assume your Grandmother had an affair even if you are correct in your assumption

Why?

I must say I am staggered by some of the responses.

Anger is a perfectly valid feeling.

Both my parents absolutely knew and there was no dramatic instance of rape. My grand parent divorced and my supposed "grandfather" was never in my life.

My mother was an inveterate but bad liar and she ended up getting herself in knots anout the various stories she had told me and Let the truth slip out.

I am also angry because my father was a right-wing voter all his life who expressed appalling views about non whites including people who share his real father's race (I was always told his family came from the South of France as he had skin that tanned easily).

I was bullied at school for being extremely pale with freckles and light hair but also having features that were "exotic" and hated myself for not looking like the other girls.

At least I am pleased that I know more about myself and I can finally connect the dots.

I am baffled as well as to why people don't understand why I would want to know more about one of the country of my ancestors. That is just odd to me....

How old are you?

Nothing you have found out changes any of that - it just explains some of it. You should still consider getting therapy to deal with your anger towards your parents and childhood.

Wanting to know more about your heritage is one thing, being angry at your parents for not sharing the way they came into the world -something they have no choice over - is something else entirely.

My great auntie married her husband, only to discover he was impotent on their wedding night. She desperately wanted children but back then there was no help for men and their wives just had to deal with it. She had two children though and they both kept it a secret how the children were conceived.
When her husband passed away she confided in my mum that the now adult children had a father they’d never met, who by that time had also passed away.

There were a lot of secrets and lies back then but grieving the life you didn’t have isn’t going to make you have the life you didn’t have. Don’t let this ruin you.

I think some of the replies have been a bit harsh. I think that the popularity of genealogy sites and DNA testing as well as shows like Who Do You Think You Are, Long Lost Family etc show that a lot of people do have quite a deep seated need to know about their origins. Finding out that your origins are not what you thought they were can be distressing to some people.
OP, I can see why this information could be upsetting and confusing but I suspect your parents either didn't know the truth or kept it from you for complex reasons. Certainly there was a lot less tolerance of extra marital relationships and relationships between people of different ethnicities in then not too distant past. I've uncovered a few things in my family history, such as pregnancies before marriage and admissions to psychiatric hospitals which I don't think anyone would bat an eyelid over nowadays but would have been scandalous at the time and which were definitely kept secret from subsequent generations. Equally I found things like girls of 15/16 marrying widowers twice their age which would be seen (quite rightly in my opinion) as child abuse now, but were probably viewed as a good marriage for the girls then. What's the saying - the past is a different country, they do things differently there.
For many of us, turning up unexpected things in our family history is no more than a curiosity but if you come across something that shakes a fundamental belief about yourself it can be very upsetting. It sounds like you maybe had difficult relationships with your parents anyway and this has compounded it. I think it's understandable that you are upset, even if there are good reasons why you weren't told. I wonder if talking to someone neutral like a counsellor might help?

Well, you yourself are judging.

I thought ancestry tests were notoriously inaccurate when it came to ethnicity so that information is probably wrong anyway.

True 😬

Did your parents love you?
Did they provide for you?
Did they feed and clothe you
sorry you feel let down and deceived but you come over as an educated and articulate lady whose parents have done their parents proud.
Please. Forgive them and do not hold this against them x

There's nothing to stop you learning more about your heritage now.

You do seem very angry about events that happened a generation ago in different times.

Would you really have benefited as a child to know your grandparents had affairs? Surely the ones this most affected were your parents and grandparents. It was up to them how they dealt with this information and I would suggest they chose to protect you from the truth because you didn't really need to know. Your parents were your biological parents.

If you go back through the generations I'm sure most families have some hidden truths from times when affairs, divorce, abortion and birth control were not options.

Yes.

OP hasn't answered what DNA test was performed or by whom and has gone off insisting her parents were liars without expert knowledge or advice.

Wanting to know more is fine, being angry about it isn’t.

Frankly it just sounds like you and your parents don’t have the best relationship (which is fine) and you’re just looking for reasons to justify that.

This is why I wouldn't do any ancestry blood tests. I'd rather family secrets stayed that way!!