Mother died this morning what am I meant to feel.

[LostTooManyScrews]

My mother died this morning. Im not sure what im meant to feel. I don't feel emotional at all. My sister rang me and I didn't know what to say. I just added if she was ok. Stupid question really.

There's now talk about a family meal. Which im not good around food. Also scattering of ashes

Also I didn't have a relationship with my mother for many years . So I guess im not feeling what my sister is. But I feel like n coming across very cold.

I do have another thread about visiting my mother. Which may explain better .

I don't know why I have posted really maybe to say it out loud.

Hugs. However you feel is ok. There isn’t a right or wrong way. My father died last week and I still don’t know how I feel. I suspect I won’t for some time. I also had a complicated and difficult relationship with him. It’s going to take time to process and you may never feel the same way your sister does. That’s ok. Hope you have support as you work through it. Take care

You feel how you feel. No one can tell you how you should feel. And it also depends on the circumstances of her death, expected or not, a tragedy or a relief. Sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry OP. I’ve not read your other thread but if you haven’t had a relationship with her in years then I imagine there is some backstory?

You are allowed to feel however you feel. And if that means not feeling anything, then that is OK too.

I spent years beating myself up for not reacting how I “should” have around losing my Mum. It’s only now that I look back and take our backstory into account that it makes sense.

Be kind to yourself.

Sympathy at this time.
There is no right way to feel. You might find all sorts of things bubble up.
My much loved DF died a while ago. I still don't know how I feel about it.

You are allowed to feel what you feel, or don't.

But, if you want to avoid being judged for not having the correct feelings, just tell people you feel totally numb and in shock. That will 'explain' your lack of open grief. Not that you should have to, but it might be easier for you.

Sorry you are going through this difficult time.

You'll be in emotional shock OP, no matter what your relationship with your mother was like. And it will also throw up all sorts of emotions you might not be expecting.

Look after yourself OP, you aren't "meant" to feel anything.

However you feel is okay @LostTooManyScrews . My ex mum died in similar circumstances a few years ago. I found out by accident the following day - not by trying to. I just felt shocked in quite a physical way. It was confusing. I don't think there's any right or wrong and you don't have to go to any event unless you want to 💐

Do you have a link to your other thread?

I felt absolutely nothing when my mum died. And nearly two years later I still feel nothing.
I made duty visits every two or three weeks when she was alive, but that was really just to support my sibling.

So yes, if your relationship with your mother was complex, your reaction might be anything from feeling nothing, to feeling distraught at the 'if onlys'. There are no rules about it and you don't need to feel any guilt

I felt numb when my Father died and it's not really changed from that feeling. l have had to care for my Mum for 7 years since he died and l think it's because l have had to put the grieving for him off, to look after her . I think it's quite a common feeling at first, shock, disbelief , denial . I am so sorry you have lost your Mum whatever your relationship was she was still your Mum 💐

I actually felt relief. I knew my dad was Ill and it was an end to it. I dont think I shed a tear until after the funeral. You don't have to feel anything at all there is no right way to grieve. You are also in shock and "doing" mode

My mum’s been dead six years this year, and I still don’t know how I feel.

Hugs to you. There’s no right or wrong way.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5485362-would-it-be-bad-if-i-dont-see-my-mum?reply=150311493

Its this one.

I guess that makes sense. I think maybe I come across as cold towards the people she did have a relationship with and they might find it odd and uncaring.

Deep breaths OP. There's nothing you "should" be feeling except what comes naturally.

If you're worried how you come across to others you could always pretend a little bit, just to remove any fear of being judged.

If you're worried that you yourself are being cold and uncaring, then I promise you're not.

I felt nothing but slight relief when my father died recently, and my whole body relaxed when I saw his coffin. I worried a little bit "am I cold and uncaring?" but I'd done enough healing to know I'm not.

Proof if need be: I was beside myself with worry when our hamster escaped recently! (he was rescused)

There’s no rule book for grief. What I’ve learned on MN over the years is that grieving the loss of a parent who wasn’t someone you were close to, can be as hard if not harder than grieving a wonderful parent you loved spending time with and miss immensely . All sorts of unresolved issues.

If you have a relationship with your sister - focus on that side of things. Perhaps be gently truthful about how you feel (even if it is numb/ not sure what you feel). And let your sister share her own feelings without you wondering if you are “supposed to feel the same.”

My db has ASD and he grieved my parents’ deaths very differently to me. I truly believe he loved them, and I don’t resent his different path through bereavement. He did not attend the wake of my mum; I found that hard - but still I understood.

I hope your dsis will understand - perhaps you might learn something about each other, and support each other, in ways that provides strength and direction for you both.

You're not required to feel anything. When you don't have an ongoing positive relationship with a parent, whether that's absolutely no contact or regular negative and misery-inducing contact or anything in between, it's going to be a mixed bag of feelings when they die and if your subconscious is protecting you from feeling that yet because you aren't ready to process it, then that's ok. To some extent you have already done your grieving for the lack of that positive relationship. You may need some counselling to help you process the rest.

The remaining living family members may well have inherited or learned behavioural traits that are linked to the reasons why you and your mum didn't have a positive relationship. It is ok to maintain firm boundaries.

For a start, given your food related issues it would be best to have a meetup that didn't include food, and it's ok to say that you aren't up for a family meal because of the stress it will cause but suggest something else that will allow you to get together.

I've read your other thread. I think it's normal to feel how you feel. You've not had her as a motherly figure for a very long time or had her in your life, through her fault, not your own. Nothing will really change with your life, so I can't imagine you'd feel a sense of loss in the normal sense. The only thing I'd maybe prepare for is possibly feeling sadness coming out the blue that things were the way they were and won't be resolved now, or a sadness about not having had her mother you the way she did with your sister for whatever reason.

I cared for my mum every day of the last three months of her life. On the day she died, I didn't cry. I got myself together and drove home from the hospice. The next morning I allowed myself to lounge in bed for a couple of hours then I got up, dusted myself off and got on with organising her funeral, I never even cried at it. I have in the last two years found myself cry occasionally, completely out of the blue. I'm just not a huge crier in general.

However you feel is okay, it was a complex relationship and grief is different for everyone, there's no right or wrong. I'm sorry for how you were treated by her.

Almost exactly the same here, dad died and my sister and I cared for mum for nearly 3 years. She died a couple of weeks ago and I still feel numb about both of them. I guess my overall feeling is vulnerability, which I can't really explain.
Op death hits us all differently, there's no right or wrong way to feel xx

It's ok, whatever you feel or don't feel is the right thing for you.

I had a very close and loving relationship with my Mum but after she died, Dad and I went shopping for a tumble dryer. We were in complete shock.

You feel how you feel OP. Nothing about how you feel is "wrong".

It’s okay to feel however you feel.
I was and still am devastated by losing my Mum but I wouldn’t presume to know how my brothers feel as they had a different relationship with her.
You might even grieve for a mother you wished you’d had, not many will understand and some may judge through rose tinted glasses for their own Mum.
Sending hugs x

When mine died I felt nothing but relief that it was all over. I'd spent years grieving the lack of a loving mother or a positive relationship. All her death did was cement the possibility of it ever happening, and cease the constant abuse and dealing with her personality disorder and alcoholism. I still feel aggrieved - it just wasn't fair - but that was more over her life than her death.

Take your time.

I didn’t like or love my father. When he died I didn’t feel any grief at all, but everyone else in the family did. It was strange and I decided not to tell them about my lack of grief. I ended up being their counsellor in effect which was quite hard. Several years on I still feel the same. I have no idea if my family have figured it out?

I feel a bit like that i don't hate her. But I also dont have an emotional connection with her. I did think that when it actually happened maybe I would be different.but no. I have told my children. The oldest kind of remembers her but not much at all . My 2nd child doesnt remember her he was only maybe 3 or 4 when he saw her he doesn't remember. My other kids have never met her. I did tell them incase it comes up in conversation. I haven't told my youngest 2 they have no idea it wouldn't really mean anything.

Interestingly maybe my kids, who were all grown up, might have an inkling. But my brother and mum probably don’t know. Are your kids quite young? I found talking to close friends very helpful, they didn’t judge, and that helped.