HELP! What to wear to a funeral

[DilemmaDelilah]

Context:

I am 65. The funeral is for the 85 year old husband of a rarely seen in recent years cousin of my mother's.

Altogether I think I met him 2 or 3 times...but I was invited (and went) to the ceilidh they had for their wedding reception (they were a very mature couple).

I have a smart black outfit, but I'm not sure if that would be too much, given that I didn't know him that well. I would be going to show my love and respect for my cousin, rather than out of overwhelming grief.

If I don't wear the black outfit I do have a pair of smart grey trousers and a darker grey top I could wear. My husband will be taking me as I'm not allowed to drive, and he has a very smart black suit he will be wearing.

Do I wear the black outfit? Or do I wear grey?

Black outfit

Black

I have a black funeral dress and take a couple of scarves with me if I’m unsure of the ‘dress code’ - a muted one to finish off my outfit and a brighter one in case I get there and feel overly formal.

Always black for a funeral unless it has been communicated that there is a specific theme (eg football shirts, all wear pink, etc) or you don’t have anything black to wear, can’t borrow anything and can’t afford to buy something. As you have black outfit already, problem solved.

I think it’s easy to forget, when we are trying to decide what to wear for a funeral, or any event really, that actually no one will be in the least bit concerned what you wear! People just aren’t focused on that, I mean unless you wear something absolutely outrageous like a shocking pink tutu or something… No one will mind which outfit you choose, so just choose which ever you feel most comfortable in. You are not going there to make an impression you are just paying your respects and either of your outfits sound absolutely fine.

Grey is fine in this day and age if that is what you are more comfortable in

I say this as someone with a funeral for a parent this week. Very few of the close family will be in all black/black suit.

People angst far too much about dress for funerals. Any conservative colour or outfit is acceptable nowadays. It doesnt have to be black or dark. Most people go for muted colours that do not attract attention unless there is a particular theme. Either your black or grey outfit would be fine. If you decide to wear the black you could take a colourful scarf and add that if it feels too formal when you get there. Unless you wear something outrageous no one is going to notice or care

I think black or grey are both fine. Remember that the people who were close to the deceased will be concentrating on getting through a difficult day and won't care a jot what you are wearing - they will just be grateful that you are there to support them and pay your respects.

I wore navy to a funeral recently and felt respectful. People were in all shades of darker colours to be honest.

Either will be totally fine. No need to overthink it. Wear whichever you are more comfortable in.

Funerals really aren't as dress code based and prescriptive as people think they are.

I think either is fine. The funerals I’ve been to recently, not everyone wore black, just darker smart stuff like grey or navy.

Either is fine.

Agree!

Update: I have now been told that people have been requested to wear colours. That brings a whole new level of angst! I don't feel that bright red would be suitable and I don't have much in the way of smart day clothes, since I retired last October and had been working from home for the 5 years before that.

I'm about to go and rummage in my wardrobe...

Why angst? If you've been asked to wear "colours" you can wear literally anything you own. This is not a stressful issue. Red would be fine. Or you can stick in the grey if you are more comfortable in that.

This. You’re massively overthinking this op, unless there’s some info you aren’t telling us as to why it matters what you wear?

Wear the smart trousers and the grey top if you dont have a smartish coloured or light coloured top. Borrow a large bright shawl or scarf to wear on top.

Red jacket and grey trousers? Maybe a grey top and scarf so that the jacket is the only colour. Or grey outfit with a bright scarf. Either will be fine given the dress code is colour. DH will be fine in his dark suit with a bright tie.

Wear the grey and add a colourful scarf? We asked for people to wear colours at my husband's funeral. The only outfits I remember where the dog rescue t shirts our friends wore - very suitable as my husband would have appreciated it! (We were involved in raising funds for the rescue).

I think you are concerned to be respectful and appropriate which is perfectly sweet.

I would have noticed someone wearing gaudy colours or a tracksuit to funerals I have been to where the dress code was not specified. It's basic politeness.

For those suggesting that I'm over-thinking... I'm autistic and very bad in social situations, so I overthink EVERTHING!

To those of you that have come back with helpful suggestions - thank you very much. I wouldn't have asked the question if I wasn't worried about it.

Ijust wear something broadly smart. Maybe the grey outfit you were planning with a coloured jacket or scarf.

I too find it difficult when people request bright colours for funerals.

Don't over think it - as someone uothread said, nobody will notice what you wear.

My dad's funeral was last week, and afterwards I could have only described the outfits of myself, my mom and daughter (because I helped them choose) and my half brother's daughter (because I particularly liked the dress she wore, and noticed it when we spoke at the drinks afterwards.)

Anybody else, I honestly wouldn't have had a clue - and I am quite interested in clothes usually!

As long as you don't go in ripped jeans or a bright pink Spandex mini dress, nobody will notice! (And I mean that in a good way).

It is nice that you are trying to be respectful by taking the decision seriously, though.

People are trying to help, by reassuring you that it doesn't matter too much. I don't think anyone is trying to be unkind.

@Ilovelurchers you are right, of course. It's just that it really doesn't help to be told by several people that I am over-thinking, when I'm already worried about attending and don't have much self confidence, so this just knocks me down that little bit further....

Wearing colours usually means the family doesn’t want to turn up and see a sea of black. Wear something smartish that you feel comfortable in, that is not all black. Then you should fit in absolutely fine.