HELP! What to wear to a funeral

[DilemmaDelilah]

Context:

I am 65. The funeral is for the 85 year old husband of a rarely seen in recent years cousin of my mother's.

Altogether I think I met him 2 or 3 times...but I was invited (and went) to the ceilidh they had for their wedding reception (they were a very mature couple).

I have a smart black outfit, but I'm not sure if that would be too much, given that I didn't know him that well. I would be going to show my love and respect for my cousin, rather than out of overwhelming grief.

If I don't wear the black outfit I do have a pair of smart grey trousers and a darker grey top I could wear. My husband will be taking me as I'm not allowed to drive, and he has a very smart black suit he will be wearing.

Do I wear the black outfit? Or do I wear grey?

Yes - I was saying it to mean “don’t worry, it’s all fine, you don’t need to panic”.

I wouldn’t wear all black. I have to visit a crematorium as part of my job. It’s quite unusual now to see a sea of black clothes on the funeral attendees. Muted colours yes, head to toe black - unnecessary.

Edit - missed your update re colour. I’d just add a brighter scarf to your grey outfit.

OK, I didn't mean to do that. I'm saying you can't get this wrong as there is no right or wrong. So honestly wear anything you're comfortable in and try not to give it any more headspace.

This is the first time I have ever heard that the outfit changes re your relationship to the deceased. You dress respectfully and in dark colours - black, navy, charcoal, dark green. I am sure your outfit will be perfect. Don't worry.

OP has a good point here. Decades ago everybody knew what the dress code was for funerals. Men wore a good suit in as dark a colour as possible, their best white shirt, clean and pressed, and a black or very dark tie, with polished black shoes and a respectable coat. Women wore a black dress or possibly a white shirt and black skirt, again with black shoes and coat or jacket. No thinking required and probably no fresh purchases either because people would already have had those things and most people wouldn't have been able to afford to buy new at short notice.

Nowadays it feels as if almost anything goes, and that makes it difficult, because the rules vary from one occasion to the next. For the OP and others who struggle with what to do and say on social occasions, especially highly charged ones like funerals, that creates a whole new source of anxiety.

Having said that, I don't think you can really go wrong by turning up looking reasonably smart and formal (i.e. not casual). If the family want colour and your nicest outfit is red, I'd go with that. I wore a beautiful red skirt I really liked to my grandmother's funeral because she had left instructions she wanted people to wear bright colours. I didn't do that for my Dad's because he'd left no instructions about clothes and my Mum was so out of it with shock and grief she just didn't care, so I erred on the side of caution and wore my smartest dark dress and jacket.

Good luck, OP. I'm sure whatever you wear will be absolutely fine. I hope it goes as well as can be expected.

Whatever you feel comfortable in, so just dark colours. Not everyone wears black but it's the safest bet. Xxx

Black.

Your grey outfit with a bright coloured scarf would be fine, perhaps a jacket with some colour in it to go with it, if you have one?

I've already stated I'm happy for a splash of colour if someone feels comfortable with that. If you were coming to my funeral, I really wouldn't mind if you wore red or anything else that's colourful.

From what you've said the grey sounds ok, unless you have something else in a fairly muted colour you'd like to wear. Maybe not something too bright.

Grey with a colourful scarf/hat/cardi

I’m not a fan of black for funerals. For both my parents our dress code was colour and sparkles. However if the family hadn’t specified colour I would always default to black or a very dark muted shade.

Have you read the OP's update?

I'd wear something smart and not casual - taking time to choose something appropriately put together shows respect - and also follow the suggestion of colour. Smart trousers, shoes and jacket/coat with a bright scarf and top would be fine.

Wear the grey with a cheerful scarf or shawl.

In my family if you didn’t wear black, they would be talking about it for years! I wore black shoes with a discreet burgundy trim to a funeral about 15 years ago, and they still bring it up - “Not wearing your red shoes this time then?” But my family is old school East End.

No, obviously not; so ignore.

I went to a funeral last week. Most people were wearing dark colours, not necessarily black. Except for the widow, who wore a glorious red coat, she shone through her tears. It was very touching, I think he had told her to wear it!

Op if they have asked for colours I would wear black trousers,skirt or dress.Black vest or long sleeve plain top. Colourful cardigan, jumper or jacket.I only say this as I went to a funeral with a 'wear colours' dress code and most people were wearing black with a colourful scarf or knit.No one will care though.

So not the case anymore and hasn't been for years, navy or grey are absolutely fine

I feel for you, OP. It's not easy to know what's appropriate when the goalposts seem to keep shifting over the years. It's not as though we go to loads of funerals all the time and keep track of the trends (hopefully!).

Personally, I find it harder when people ask you to "wear colours" than when you can just wear black or dark grey etc. Pretty much everyone has some kind of formal black or dark clothing. But not everyone has formal colourful clothing that they feel sure is suitable for a funeral. There's the weather to take into account, as well. It all adds up to too much thinking, at a time when a lot of people might already be struggling with grieving (although luckily this is not the case for you at the moment). I appreciate that it's very important to honour the wishes of the deceased for a colourful funeral, but I can't help thinking it was a bit simpler when everyone knew what they were going to wear and just wore it to all the funerals!

I have a giant wine-red pashmina which comes out for "colourful" funerals. It goes over my dark clothes, hides a large area of them, and makes the outfit colourful enough. It could also be carried in a bag or left in a car instead, if I turn up and see that I've somehow got the wrong end of the stick and everyone's in dark clothing after all! (This has never happened, but it's one of my unreasonable fears!)

It doesn't matter what you wear, but do make sure it is warm as you'll probably be standing around outside the church/crematorium. Comfortable footwear and layers!

Not at any funeral I’ve been to. And I’ve been to a lot sadly. It’s always a sea of black unless the information given by the family says otherwise.

The point is though you cannot go wrong with black if no other instructions given - you cannot guarantee that with any other colour. So if in doubt, you go with black.

Where are you in the world? I've also been to many funerals. At least 30 over the years and not seen a sea of black in decades. Loads of dark greens and blues and burgundy type colours. Quite a lot of black too but absolutely not uniform.

And not with any messaging going out either.

My parents used to be very involved with their local church. As part of my Dad's voluntary role at one point he had the keys and used to go along and open and lock up for weddings and funerals. My Mum often went with him for company and to help with tidying up, so saw what people were wearing. She surprised me many years ago by saying that nowadays people didn't wear all black for funerals. As she had been to far more than I had, I took her word for it. Now I'm older and attending more, I'd say she's right. It's very mixed.

I think black, grey, navy, brown, dark beige are all fine for funerals these days. Unless bright colours or something else is specified. Wear what you feel most comfortable in, the important thing is that you are there to show support.