Parents not interested in my dc

[Bluegowndance]

Dp have always expressed their desire for dgc, they said they hoped they would be very involved DGPs and would like to do childcare weekly if not daily. I now have 2DDs. 95% of the time they show very little interest in learning anything about them or spending any time with them. 5% of the time they gush over how incredible they are and how much they are apparently obsessed with DDs

I think the reality is they simply can’t be arsed, actually being involved grandparents is a lot harder than saying you are involved grandparents. That is up to them and I do not want to change them, nor do I want someone in my DCs lives that doesn’t really want to be there. I am also not looking for childcare (if anyone accuses me of only caring about that!) However I’m having trouble reconciling the things they have said and continue to say, with how they act
I am surprised, I never expected this and I also feel a bit gaslit. They tell me they love and are obsessed with DDs and love to see them, yet imo they do not act it. I don’t know how to get over it and not feel hurt or anger.

I do know gps don’t owe us anything but I still find it hurtful. Perhaps if I’d expected this it wouldn’t be such a shock

@Cat1504 both my dm and mil are northern grannies and neither help us out at all. Interestingly mil has 3 sisters and dm has one, all of them are more like you. Both mil and and dm make comments about how their sisters get to see gc more than they do, but they see this as our failing. They don’t recognise that their sisters are doing childcare and not turning down offers to spend (non childcare time) visiting their dc and dgc.

We were early 60s when we became GPs. DH was still working. The older DG live a couple of hours away, I often took the train to see them, or DS & DDIL would bring them, sometimes stopping over. DDIL is great, always included me if they were in concerts etc.

The youngest lives a bit closer, I had her a day a week until she started school, sometimes she'd stay over, and we’d have days out. They’re all teens now, we don’t see them often, but the relationships are there. Sometimes it was hard work, but seeing them flourish is enough reward. Sad some GPs don’t seem to want it.

My MIL is the same. It's the performative grandmothering that's the irritating part - going on about how her life is all about grandmothering on Facebook when she hasn't seen the kids for a few years now, calling herself Grandma rather than her name when talking to other people about subjects that don't even include the grandchildren! I get that she's not interested and can accept it, if I didn't have to witness her telling everyone else what an involved and loving grandmother she is!

Ultimately in her case it's part of a pattern of behaviour that means she will end up a very, very lonely old woman. I can't bring myself to feel sad about it because it's entirely self-inflicted. She's the one losing out here.

But I am not asking them to do childcare
I am inviting them on days out or round to visit and they say no. Yes they deserve time for hobbies but are you saying they really only have one hour every 6-8 weeks free for gc? Will they appreciate it if when they are old and need care I only have that much time free for them? I’m certain they will expect me to find more time.
one of my dc or me or dh has a cold at all times October - March, so will they not see us then for 5 months. Can they not ask for a video calls or phone calls, or just ask about dc even if they haven’t got time to see them? I think your response mimics how I’ve felt myself the last few months. I was wondering if it was miscommunication, or if I needed to be doing more. But more recently I’ve realised I have two young dc, I work and so does dh, we are busy and tired. Dp are retired, it’s not fair that all the responsibility is on me to arrange everything and facilitate everything when they aren’t making any effort themselves. It’s ok if they’ve changed their minds but addressing it or offering emotional support instead would be better than just largely ignoring us now.

What are their reasons when they say no OP? I’d be tempted to say oh that’s a shame, how comes

They’re busy, they’re tired, they don’t want to drive, they don’t want to be around dc if they have a cold (they do not tell us when they have illnesses though), they don’t like the activity we’re doing, they don’t want to travel in rush hour, it could be a million things. And they’re all reasonable! But it’s just all the time. They don’t want to see us really unless we go to them. I do go to them regularly but their house i s completely unchildproofed and they have nothing for dc so I have to take a couple of bags of stuff which is obviously a pain.

I'm sorry you are having so many excuses. It's so confusing! We have had every excuse under the sun, but above all else, we've had endless stalling... "oh, we'd love to visit, but..."

The latest one has been school holidays. Any school holiday is 'too busy' on the roads. Winter is 'too dark' and wet, and the trains, are 'too congested and unreliable'... We are literally down to September these days, the 3 weeks after schools go back. But there's always another excuse then too.

The stalling just annoys me now. We both know nothing will happen, my parents won't make any affort to visit our child, so I listen to endless "I'm looking forward to meeting him... And won't it be lovely?', but I feel every painful second tick away knowing it's just words. Words so they can tell their friends they' intend' to visit ASAP.

The care argument with my mum and dad is dangerous. What they feel in terms of effort they've made over the past decade is v different to the reality. They have literally been nowhere, but cling to memories of better days.. A long time ago. If I say I'll help them as much as they've helped me they'd be delighted... They'd be shocked and in tears if I explained that amounted to virtually nothing...

It's all weird.

@Diamond7272 yes they would definitely say they do more, I don’t think they’re lying either I do think they believe it.
well done to your boy on his steps!

I think I’d be tempted to have one last ditch attempt by being really direct. If they say they’re busy, put it back on them and say ok no probs, when are you free? If they don’t like the activity you’ve invited them to, say that’s a shame, what would you like to do?

That’s a bit harsh?

Running after kids in your 30s and 40s is surely very different from running after kids in your 60s and 70s.

It’s not about running after the kids. They’re simply not interested in spending time with them and i mean in our / the parents’ presence when we do the running after..

Yes dp don’t do any running after kids at all. They sit in their seat and ask the children to come to them with toys. They will offer adults a cup of tea but will not even offer dc drinks or snacks. Maybe the chaos of children is mentally exhausting, but they certainly do not do any running

@helpagal i have asked what they’d like to do, they’d like us to visit them, and they’d like to go to restaurants with dc. They are toddlers and do not want to sit still for a long meal, and I can’t afford that regularly. We still do it sometimes to appease them, and we visit them most times that we do see them.

I'm sorry OP and other posters that you have GP who are not so interested

I count myself lucky as my DS has my DF 94 (did have my MIL too but she died approx 6yrs ago) - DF has various ailments but is always keen and has been since we adopted DS now 18 - he takes a keen interest in only grandchild, talks to him, when little played Batman & Robin with him endlessly and spoils him rotten - my only sadness is that DF wasnt younger and healthier and could then have come away on holiday with us etc but that said their relationship is really good

To be honest it is annoying but I’m not even that bothered what she tells other people, it’s her talking to me like they’re doting grandparents that I find most infuriating!

I actually think she believes it though.

The shock to me was finding out what my mum had written to her best friend at Xmas... "he's got lots of lovely toys, so much to play with, he's a v lucky boy"...

How she knows this is beyond me.

They haven't visited our new home once (been here 3.5yrs).

Havent met their 15mth old grandson once.

Haven't left their county in 2 yrs.

Last saw my partner and I for maybe 6hrs at a funeral in February 2024.

Goodness knows what she tells her friends at ladies lunch club. It must be utter fiction which could relate to any child. Beyond knowing he's got 2 legs and a head, she knows nothing about him.

I am bothered though... Because it's lies or sheer fiction. One day I'll have to meet these luncheon people, likely at a funeral, and I just don't have the heart to 'go along' with the fiction any more...

(my partner has just reminded me... After losing our jobs during covid, they now wouldn't be able to explain how we earn a living or what we do. But we are a 'close' family in their eyes). It's farcical.