Parents not interested in my dc

[Bluegowndance]

Dp have always expressed their desire for dgc, they said they hoped they would be very involved DGPs and would like to do childcare weekly if not daily. I now have 2DDs. 95% of the time they show very little interest in learning anything about them or spending any time with them. 5% of the time they gush over how incredible they are and how much they are apparently obsessed with DDs

I think the reality is they simply can’t be arsed, actually being involved grandparents is a lot harder than saying you are involved grandparents. That is up to them and I do not want to change them, nor do I want someone in my DCs lives that doesn’t really want to be there. I am also not looking for childcare (if anyone accuses me of only caring about that!) However I’m having trouble reconciling the things they have said and continue to say, with how they act
I am surprised, I never expected this and I also feel a bit gaslit. They tell me they love and are obsessed with DDs and love to see them, yet imo they do not act it. I don’t know how to get over it and not feel hurt or anger.

I do know gps don’t owe us anything but I still find it hurtful. Perhaps if I’d expected this it wouldn’t be such a shock

It is hard op. Mine werent overly interested. They wouldnt be that close to her now she 80s. I dont blame you being hurt about it.

My husband’s family are similar. They are simply not interested. It can be very hurtful. Looking after little kids is tiring both physically and emotionally. Some people just don’t enjoy it, even their own grandchildren and that makes me wonder if they enjoyed being parents themselves.

How old are your parents OP? I'm early 60s, work full time, run parkrun etc yet I know I don't have the mental resources to look after toddlers for long.

People in their 60s get tired much faster so don't be too hurt. Maybe they just don't have the resilience.

They’re early 60s but retired and in decent health. I understand what you’re saying but I don’t want them to do childcare and I’ve never asked them to take any responsibility at all of dc except once or twice I took a shower whilst my mum held dd1 as a newborn. I just thought they’d visit more though, or fancy joining us on days out sometimes.

💐it’s ok to feel sad about it, I wish there was an easy fix or advice I could give but am sending solidarity

Mine are like that. But the weren't hands on parents so I'm not sure o can expect any different. They come over take some pictures of them to show their pal then go on their phones or read the paper!

They do help in other ways though. Helped us with some child care costs.

The thing is some people just are t wired that way. My mother in law is the opposite. Shes have the kids move in with her!

It is sad OP. Their loss.

Thanks all, I find it really hard that what they say and do are different. I don’t like them pretending they’re really involved, but I don’t know why I find it so confusing.
They were quite active parents. It’s really been a shock.
MIL is similar but it was expected there.

I could have written your post word for word. I'm my parent's only child and 15 months ago we had a baby after IVF. Following parental statements my whole life about how 'important' family is, there's no sign of my parents. They have yet to meet their 1 and only grandchild. There will never be another, a biological certainty. They live 350 miles away yes, but dad plays golf 5 times a week, drives hundreds of miles a month to tournaments and can't 'let people down' (mum tells me this a lot) at the club.

We've discussed meeting half way, but it's come to nothing as dad is busy, both of them won't get on a train, and so on. Mum won't do anything without him and frankly he can't be bothered. He views the journey as either a duty or a hassle.

Today, I've given up. They asked for videos before xmas to show to their friends at the golf club, wrote cards to their friends with references about all the toys their only grandchild has (pretending they've met the child). They are physically nowhere. No interest, no care, nothing. All they've seen of the now toddler are my WhatsApp videos with toys presumably in the background.

I've stopped caring. They both retired aged 50, 20+ years ago. It's been golf since then. Thousands, maybe 4000 rounds detailed in a diary... That's it. A nice life. But no family left who genuinely care about them now... Either dead, hundreds of miles away or estranged. Sad.

I was deeply embarrassed to begin with and made excuses to my partners parents why they hadn't met the baby. I mentioned health, busyness, bad weather (we had a hot, dry summer last year), other family issues and so on (often fictionalised). I lied. It started sounding idiotic really after a while. Now I just tell the truth: they aren't bothered. They say they are, but they really aren't.

My partner and I laugh at times now... My Mil enquired if she could buy my parents some travel tickets so they could 'afford' to visit (it was her last justification as to why they hadn't visited... Poverty!).. I told her dad bought a brand new car last Autumn :).. That ended that last thought process from my mil.

Remember, you aren't alone.

oh Im so sorry to the people who feel similar
@Diamond7272 that is so awful I’m sorry they’re acting like that.
my parents have at least met dc but they only live 20 miles away so there’s not much excuse. They see them for an hour every 6-8 weeks. If you listen to them talk they’re so involved, but like your parents it’s just things they’re guessing from photos and videos I send.

I feel a bit insulted too, and protective of DC. They’re so incredible and I can’t believe their dgp wouldn’t completely see that and want to be around them. I’m angry on dcs behalf and that makes mine and my parents relationship even more strained, though on the surface we’re all pretending everything is great. I struggle with the pretending vs the truth. But I also can’t be bothered with a row over it because there’s no point.

Yes admittedly when DDs were each born they bought us a pram and a car seat . And they always buy loads of Christmas and birthday gifts for dc. So I know I’m lucky to have that financial help. But to be honest I’d rather they just spend an extra hour with dc sometimes really, or ask about the things they’re learning or like to do…or god forbid, ask how I’m doing.

I’ve been in this exact position. My parents were never overly interested in my 2 DD’s. It’s a real shame and I never imagined it like this.
ive come to terms with it now and we haven’t spoken for the last 18 months. The fact they show no interest in their grandchildren amongst other selfish behaviours

My PILs weren’t that interested. Live close. See DC a few times a year for a very limited amount of time - we stay elsewhere and may visit for an hour. Or they come over very late, which is a mess with bedtimes. There is a SIL who lives with them (middle aged, MH issues) and I wonder how much influence she has.

I’m very sorry for all of you with such experiences of GPs…..it’s very sad….I have 3 GDs …..I’m 60 now …the girls are 10, 8 and 7 ….I see my DDs girls 5 times a week and my DSs child once a week for tea and a sleepover once a month….I would love to see her more but my DS and her Mum are separated so I take what I can….my other 2 sleepover at least once a week ….we do school drops offs and pick ups ( when we can)….and we have the older 2 for a few nights a couple of times a year when my DD goes away with her DP….I work 2 or 3 days a week….but my DDs girls live close ( 10 min walk)

This is so depressing. I’m in my mid 70s and have done a minimum of two/three days a week child care for assorted DGC for the past 12 years. I have no intention of stopping any time soon. Generalisations about people in the 60s is ageist nonsense.

You sound quite remarkable.

You're 12-14 years younger than my parents but sound like you come from a different universe in comparison.

Buy yourself a huge chocolate cake - you flipping well deserve it.

Just reading this thread, I'm sure age and health do come into it.

Time has run away from my parents for sure. Retiring at 50 was amazing for them, but now in their early to mid 70s they are mentally older than their time. The friends they made 20yrs ago were also retirees, but they were 15, 20yrs older than mum and dad. Now their friends are all in the 80s and it has really aged my parents in terms of their view of the world and their own capabilities.

None of my parents friends have grandchildren younger than 18, so having a 1yr old grandchild is something they can't relate to. It's the 1st baby in the family on my mums side since me, 40yrs ago. On my dad's side it's the 1st baby in a decade, and that one is on the other side of the planet. They've met him twice for maybe 4hrs total.

Ultimately though, my parents stopped trying... With me, with my partner, really with any family, since the start of covid in 2020.

To the original OP, I 'get it'... Everything has gone through my mind... What did I do? What can I do? Ultimately, mum and dad stopped talking to me 6mths ago after I said they should 'make an effort'. I got told how they always 'did their best for me'...

But nothing changes. Nothing will change. A bit like the alzheimers or elderly parents thread, until there's a crisis and they need me, nothing will happen bar golf, daily routine, and living in a world of the past, the players now long gone. If a baby can't snap them out of it, a 1st grandchild, nothing will.

@Diamond7272 yes, I’m always told how involved how they’re doing their best and they’re always there, but they’re not. it’s just so weirdly intense for one hour, as though we all see each other regularly and have a great relationship, and then nothing for weeks.

And you’re so right. I could’ve really used their support the last few years with two young dc, ppd, a full time job and dh who works long hours, but they weren’t really there. And then when something happens for them and they need care, I will be expected to drop everything

to the pp who are involved grandparents that is so lovely your dc are lucky to have your support. But for you too, it must be so lovely to have those relationships. I know I’m a long way off but I can’t imagine not wanting to make an effort with my dcs dc.

@Bluegowndance I know what you mean. I don't know about you but I think parenthood makes you reflect a lot on the way you were brought up. If I only saw my child and grandkids once every 6 weeks or so I'd want to squeeze as much in as possible. I accept them as they are but I don't understand it. I actually went to stay with them over the summer as my husband had a job away for a bit. I was working remotely in the mornings. I thought they might engage with the kids while I worked. But they literally plugged them into the tv for the entire morning. They were hyper by lunch! Then I had to dress, entertain them, bathe, feed them, put them to bed. They just felt no need or desire to help me out At all. I never ask for help as an adult,and I'm pretty sure its because they never help !

Our amazing little boy could bring so much joy to their lives, especially my mums. She is lonely. She doesn't play golf and time is slipping by. All she talks about is missing her parents - who lived to their mid 90s and didn't care much for her, bar leaving money in their will.

But mum and dad, mum, lives in the past. I've accepted it now. It hurts.

Dad's life... Endless golf, nothing else, feels vacuous. His health has minor wobbles, but he wants another 25yrs of retirement, golf, lunches, golf, golf, golf. He wants nothing to change, the world to be 1998 forever more. Fighting that just leads to anger, excuses, but no real hope for the future. Care responsibilities??? Well, neither of my parents did much for my grandparents. That 350 mile gap was there throughout, as was a similar ability to shut them out bar a vague phone call weekly and sentimental statements on the phone.

Meantime, the clock keeps ticking. He's taking his first steps, first words. He's an utterly darling little boy, full of giggles. Loves toast.

But, dad will be playing golf tomorrow.

Thanks! ..l.But I’m really not…I live inthe NW ….people tend to start families much earlier….house prices are cheaper so many buy houses in their early 20s….people tend to stay put so family are on hand.,,,most of my friends, relatives and colleagues were grannies late 40s or early 50s….and all those I know personally are the same as me in terms of time with GC ..,,some do far more than me

It’s very sad OP and they are missing out, both on the relationships with their GC, but on the potential extra dimension in their relationship with you.

@Diamond7272 I find your posts some of the saddest I’ve ever read on here. The idea of having a 15 month old grandson and never having met him is beyond my understanding. I have no illusions about my likely annoyingness as a future MIL and nana but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I will do better than that. They sound extremely limited people.

I've nothing against grandparents not wanting to do free childcare but I always think it's poor when they get over excited at the first notice of a pregnancy and make a load of promises that they don't keep.

Met a fellow 50 something mum with her GC yesterday. She was great when we were in the thick of it with our own kids and she was just full of love and energy with her GC.
Really cheered me up because my own parents were mostly performative and it niggles that i might be the same.
I won't, we were great, hands on parents and we have big enough hearts to do it again.
Have the PIL coming on a state visit soon. My kids see through them and don't bother rearranging their own lives. There's a lot of people with small hearts, I ignore the performance photos produced, it's when they glow like my friend, very rare.

My mum was like this too. Lots of gushing on facebook, if her friends or family were around she’d be picking them up for cuddles and showing them off, but when it was just us with no audience she wasn’t bothered.

I did call her out on it during a huge argument and she said “well at least I know what you think of me now!” - what sort of answer is that?! 😅We’re no contact for many other reasons but she continued to post photos of them on her Facebook (stolen from my page at the time!) with gushing comments about her beautiful grandchildren for a good while.

Like a PP said, I’m all for grandparents living their own lives and understand not everyone wants to repeat the years of childcare they’ve already been through but when they’re presenting themselves as grandparents of the year in public there’s something very off with them. Using your children as props when it suits them is messed up.