Parents not interested in my dc

[Bluegowndance]

Dp have always expressed their desire for dgc, they said they hoped they would be very involved DGPs and would like to do childcare weekly if not daily. I now have 2DDs. 95% of the time they show very little interest in learning anything about them or spending any time with them. 5% of the time they gush over how incredible they are and how much they are apparently obsessed with DDs

I think the reality is they simply can’t be arsed, actually being involved grandparents is a lot harder than saying you are involved grandparents. That is up to them and I do not want to change them, nor do I want someone in my DCs lives that doesn’t really want to be there. I am also not looking for childcare (if anyone accuses me of only caring about that!) However I’m having trouble reconciling the things they have said and continue to say, with how they act
I am surprised, I never expected this and I also feel a bit gaslit. They tell me they love and are obsessed with DDs and love to see them, yet imo they do not act it. I don’t know how to get over it and not feel hurt or anger.

I do know gps don’t owe us anything but I still find it hurtful. Perhaps if I’d expected this it wouldn’t be such a shock

Yes, exactly. I’m mid sixties and do a lot of childcare for assorted grandchildren.
My own Mum did the same for me until her mid seventies, maybe that makes a difference, I’m not sure.
I personally really enjoy looking after babies and young children, tiring though it can be. I think this is key, I really want to do it, though would help to a lesser extent, even if I didn’t.
I feel bad for OP and other parents who feel disappointed by lack of grandparents’ involvement. If they contribute financially that is positive though, as while I can give on hands support, the financial help I can offer is very limited.

Yeah I just can’t believe they’re so uninterested. It’s definitely damaged our relationship. Interestingly my dad did recently call me to tell me my mum is upset that it feels like I’m not very close to them and she’s been meaning to talk to me about it since my second was born. I’m not sure why she’s not done anything to change it or spoken to me about it herself sooner. I suspect because she wants me to feel like it’s my fault and my job to fix.
I call or text my mum a couple of times a week and send her photos and videos of dc. I ask how she is and ask about her life, her friends, her health, her hobbies and anything else happening for her. She rarely asks how I am, she hasn’t asked a question about my life in years, a few months ago I stopped offering information up and we’ve drifted further apart. I’m at a complete loss as to why someone would be upset that we are not close, but never think to ask me about myself or dc.
I asked them if they’d like to come over for the day the following week and spend time with us and we could talk about it, but they said they’re busy and didn’t offer up any alternatives.

If she isn’t interested that’s up to her, but it doesn’t feel fair to be both uninterested in doing any of the work for a relationship but also upset at not having a relationship.

Yes it's the disinterest that baffles me.

On the one hand on the phone I was told they'd 'love to know' all about their grandchild, but physically meeting him is not on their agenda at all. No effort to look at train timetables, work out a journey, somewhere nice to stay, things they would like doing with the little boy here... Nothing. No interest.

But mum is upset that we aren't getting on... Dad is bemused why there's a problem at all??? (after all, the little boy won't remember their visit, so what's the hurry?). Why can't I just appease my mother and everything go back to being 'lovely'.

I hate golf. I really hate it. Mum and dad have lived in a bubble for decades now... Their health is on the edge of showing problems, but they truly believe the golf club friends will meet their needs in the future... They cling to that feeling rather than the reality of the world today. Dad loves being called "sir" at the club, being respected as a long term member, after dinner speaker, and so on - something he never had in his job - but in his family life, he's fast running out of anyone who cares about him at all...

This sounds like my FIL. He played the doting grandad to our and SIL's children until MIL died and then he just wasn't interested. He never wanted to see them and was openly hostile to our nephew, his eldest grandchild. He remarried and his new wife's gc were the apple of his eye. It was very hurtful to DH and his sister because they were genuinely nice and easy children.
When he got ill and old and his new family lost interest, his own gc didn't want to visit him as they hardly knew him.

That’s really shit OP. Do you have siblings who you are close to or family on your husbands side? If so, I would try to focus on the people close to your children who want to be involved and who want to love them and be there for them, not just parade photographs and talk a good game. I’ve seen this happen so many times unfortunately. What were your parents like when you were growing up?

Yes, well written. People do 'lose interest'... Dad has lots of golf friends, all borne of rounds in beautiful places, nice lunches and lots of beers. But, he repeatedly bemoaned in the past how his elderly mates who got sick in their 80s were 'abandoned' by the other golfers, with just a handful of family plugging the gaps before they died. Dad spoke at a lot of funerals, likely because the old men who died had v few family left, or family who knew v little of the deceased.

But dad is facing the same scenario. He has 1 child. 1 grandson and a wife who is rapidly tiring of him. But by ignoring the grandson, making no effort, he will just be down to his wife... The little boy won't know him or care about him at all. There will be no nice memories, no family memories, nothing. Just speeches about great rounds, winning some trophy in 2008, a hole in one in 2017, him being a great mate.

Yep. Sad. That's where we are.

Anyway, what do I care??? Our little boy took his first steps today and walked across the living room 10 feet... It was amazing!!!!! X

It's hard. My mum is interested but lives far away. The in laws live within 20 miles but beyond money for birthdays and Christmas and asking how they are, they don't care about them.
They were worn out though in fairness to them, our kids were the last grandchildren, the previous five (much older) got the attention.

I didn't really realise until primary school sports day - some kids had 6 grandparents and two parents watching the sack race, mine just had me (DH at work)!

My parents are 'worn out' in their eyes, through 20 years of golf, afternoon teas and walking around national trust properties. Dad hasn't done a days work, paid or voluntary since his 50th birthday, mum did a bit of voluntary til she was maybe 54...

It doesn't make me want to do all the running and drive tens of hours so they can have the opportunity to forge any kind of bond with their only grandchild. They just aren't bothered.

I wonder if you need to be a bit more honest OP. I'd be tempted to gently point out that they never ask after you or your DC and don't seem that interested when you suggest plans. That you aren't sure what you can do to make this better.

Some parents are just self-interested.
I stopped speaking to my father after he forgot my eldest’s 18th birthday, after years of ignoring all him and his siblings. To his credit dad showed interest in the few years before he died, but he largely killed his relationship with his grandchildren because he couldn’t be arsed when he had the chance. I see it as a lesson how not to behave.

When I was growing up they told me all the time how much they loved me and I was their number one priority in the world and I could always come to them for anything. I haven’t felt like that was true since I was a teenager though. I’ve never felt like I could relax or be myself or ask them for help. I’ve tried to limit the time I’m around them to keep things short and sweet. I’ve always felt guilty that my feelings didn’t seem to match theirs and felt like I must be a bad person and I’ve always tried to act more loving to them than I felt to counter that. But the older I get I do wonder if that’s because what they said and what they did didn’t always match up and I found that confusing or if I’m just blaming them because I am not a very nice person!

I worry that my children will feel the same about me.

FIL is similar. Looking back, DH can see that he was a fairly disengaged father as well (MIL was a very hands-on mum but sadly she passed away before DS was born). I think people who didn’t enjoy being parents don’t tend to be very involved GPs unfortunately.

Exactly tha same!

Well, you might be a brilliant grandmother Cat1504, in fact it sounds like you probably are, so I am struggling to understand why someone who can presumably be so kind to their own family members, is rubbing the OP's nose in it, by declaring how lucky your own DD is to have you as her DM?

I'm sure that the OP would love her DM to be more like you, although some parents of young children might think that you were slightly too involved, but as long as you and your DD communicate well, then hopefully that isn't an issue with you two.

I think a lot of people have children and love them but hadn’t realised how much they don’t particularly enjoy being around kids tbh. Kids are draining in a whole special way,I really hate playing, hate it. I love my DD to bits but don’t actually enjoy the company of other small children very much. Obviously I’m fully aware of this and would definitely make an effort with my own grandkids (if I have any) but it will most likely be a conscious effort.

In a very similar situation! For us, DDs were the 7th and 9th grandchildren.....it is no excuse and shouldn't be the case, but think the novelty wore off.We haven't seen them in afew years although they send cards and gifts still to the kids (they were always more into spoiling with material things than giving time and attention)

I ‘communicate’ just fine with all my kids….so don’t you be worrying about that 😊
what’s ‘slightly too involved’ then where you come from?

i think people on MN must live on a different planet to me, because where I live in NW it’s the norm for GP to be ‘involved’ with GC ……I don’t consider my DD lucky and neither would she….it’s just how families are🤷‍♀️…..I am now going to leave to take my GC to school…..I will watch eldest in assembly….then go to work myself…my DP will collect the kids from school later and bring them home for tea……I will collect number 3 GD after work and bring her also for tea….I will make sure all 3 go home showered and in pjs and with uniforms washed…..I don’t do this because my DD works ( she doesn’t ) …I do it because the Gc ask to come and I love it ( I’m guessing they won’t be interested as teenagers so I make the very most of it now)…….but no I’m not a saint….I’m just a very normal northern granny…..this is us…..this is how we are……this is what we do….it’s really nothing special ….it really takes not much effort

Grandparents don't want to encroach on your family life, Op.

Invite your parents for specific occasions and ask them to help on certain dates. They need good warning and for the children and themselves to be in good health. An unexpected cold will mean a change of plans.

Grandparents, when young, do not know the pitfalls of getting old. How their body becomes weak and aches, how doctor's appointmants scatter their calendars. They also deserve to have time for hobbies and tours that they could not do when working.

Your parents were not telling you porkies, they were speaking from an ignorant place. They were dreaming; you can't expect that they should keep those promises.

Accept that they are doing their best. Help them to mark outings with your kids on their calendar. Visit them and invite them on outings.

Your kids won’t feel that way about you unless you wang on about how much you do for them and never do anything for them. I’d have to challenge it I think, I couldn’t sit there and listen to it - mum you keep saying how much you do for us but the reality is you cannot be bothered even seeing us for more than an hour every month or two and you only know anything about us because I tell you, if I waited for you to ask you might not know you had grandchildren.

Nah. There’s being tired and there’s I actually don’t give a shit. Tired grandparents may not do childcare or sleepovers but they still pick up the phone and ask about Dora’s football match.

This was very typical to mine. However it is important to remember that this is a huge rejection / my parents rejected me and my children -all of us. I refused to send them pictures and the one time they did meet my son - I have the picture my mother asked for it - and I fobbed her off. She wanted it to show her friends.
They haven’t spoken to my daughter since she was 12 yet apparently they were telling another family member how amazing she is and how well she is doing at university. They have had her mobile number for 8 years and not one text wishing her good luck or happy birthday or anything. Silence. Yet apparently she’s amazing. My SM and hers is locked down. We are NC now and I sure as hell won’t be doing any care for them.

I get the need for balance. While I wish my DCs grandparents were a bit more interested I wouldn't want them to be their only interest if that makes sense. I'm glad they also have hobbies and other friends. It must also be difficult if you want to do different things at the weekend but their grandparents expect to see them every weekend.

Accept that they are doing their best. Help them to mark outings with your kids on their calendar. Visit them and invite them on outings.

Er... OP is doing those things and they aren't interested! She also rings them, sends videos to them, asks them how they are and they dont even care enough to ask her about her life or reciprocate in any meaningful way. That's not "doing their best"- it's rubbish behaviour.

You can't force someone to spend time with you and constantly asking someone and being rejected is really soul crushing and hurtful after a while so you give up. Relationships should be reciprocal, not one person making the effort all the time 🙄

You may find it challenging when they are old and need care or help. Without being spiteful it can be very hard if there’s a level of expectation or any feelings of duty when the situation shifts.

I wonder if it's to do with them wanting to be the one who's looked after? I always feel like my mum is testing me. She NEVER phones me. I always have to phone her. I honestly think she's exepecting us to do all the organising etc as she wants us to be the one caring for her.

Neither of my parents like caring responsibilities. They didn't enjoy looking after me or my sibling. Now I think the have just thought stuff it. Let's not bother they can care for us now.