What's the most privileged/off the mark post/response you've read?

[waywardways]

I've name changed for this, just in case anyone does an AS and accuses me of getting DM fodder.

Me and the DC had to flee our home several years ago and we were moved into a tiny 2 bed flat temporarily. I made a thread at the time, saying me and 3dc had had a traumatic move and were very overcrowded and asked for advice on how to store our daily stuff in an efficient way.
Several posters replied helpfully, linking shelving units/freestanding storage, but one poster replied along the lines of:

"Your DH must be high up in the army and you have to rough it in officers housing until your 5 bed detached home is ready".

Another poster quoted the above with "This was my immediate thought too! It's so hard OP, but we've all been there".

I found this both amusing and perplexing because a) I would never have assumed the above and b) it was so far off the mark.

There was another thread very recently about food guidelines where the lack of awareness and privilege was quite frightening!

I had to get my tiny violin out for the people "struggling" on 100k a year usually accompanied in their OP is some sob story about not being able to afford private school fees and why won't the government think of them. Jesus wept.

That seems a strange way to measure wealth though. Somebody living in a mansion with a villa or two in Spain and their own private helipad might well have less in savings than you, but they are probably a bit richer!

The just downsize one always gets me. Cramming yourself and your family into a smaller property than the one that you already have a mortgage on to save £100 per month in rent, but not taking into account the £1000s needed to move, solicitor fees, stamp duty, decorating costs to make sure that the new place is in a livable condition and the extra money needed to still be able to get to work as you now live miles from anywhere with a bus every other Tuesday.

@Temporaryname158 I think anyone who thinks M&S is as cheap as Aldi has probably never been to one of them. I shop at Aldi, occasionally wander in to M&S and usually come out empty-handed and horrified at the prices.

@Temporaryname158 since supermarket pricing went all to cock a few years ago, I've found basics at m&s (and often Waitrose) are the same price as Aldi, sometimes cheaper, for stuff that's nicer (eg the butter and cheese is better quality in both, and fruit and veg is much much better than Aldi) - also much cheaper the "big four" and prices are more consistent.

Childhood friend who I met while we were both at a club after school, who said 'what do you mean? Everyone goes to university don't they?'. This was 35 years ago, when indeed, not everyone thought of uni. She genuinely had no idea, but her parents were posh and she herself was at a private all girls school.

@Womaninhouse17 really? I am very careful with what I spend and I don't find that at all. Of course you can get all manner of mad things in m&s like tiny packets of dip that cost £4.50 but like I say the basics are same price, for nicer. M&s deals are not as good as they used to be but Waitrose eg has a 3 for £12 deal that includes half a piri piri chicken, two steaks and two salmon fillets.

There was a woman years talking about her kid getting just 1 toy for Christmas on one of those how many gifts thread.

As the thread went on turned out that one present was nearly £1,000 item and they don't 'waste' money at Christmas because they would rather spend it on important things all year round like looking after and riding their horses and going on luxury holidays to spend time as family (presence not presents you know) and investing in their kid future by her being in private school.

I use to feel sorry for kids when I heard parents bragging about their kids only get 1 present, seemed like a race to the bottom because I could only think of it in term of what I knew. It really opened my eyes to how the other half live and the fact they just get constant stuff all year round at a much higher level than anyone I know could afford.

While it helped me learn it still seemed so out of touch... like no the reason we don't have a horse, private school and 2 week holiday in Dubai is not because my kid got 10 presents at Christmas (costing just £100).

In the most recent benefits thread, one poster suggested that "If people can get to a day centre, they can do a part-time cleaning job".

Another poster explained how reality differs from those assumptions.

Ahh, this is one of the few things I have ever argued with my otherwise very sensible husband about! When younger he genuinely believed he had some kind of deprived upbringing but he eventually grasped that being one of the least affluent in your private school does not make you "poor". I don't doubt that his parents did tighten their belts in order to privately educate him and his siblings but if you are able to do that and keep a roof over your heads and food on the table then you're still privileged compared to most. Even if my parents had given up eating completely they would never have been able to find that money, but they cared no less about my education that DH's did about his. And we were quite comfortably off compared to a lot of the other kids at my school, plenty of whom were in real poverty.

and then admitted they had no idea what a day centre was but still insisted that they could do a part time cleaning job.

Multiple threads on MN where the OP is devastated that they can no longer afford private school for their DC. Heart bleeds.

It cuts both ways though.

The imposition of VAT on school fees part way through an academic year threw a lot of families into genuine financial turmoil and caused great distress. I was one of those who voiced concerns because we live in a rural area where the state schools are pretty dire... and was told to a) move to a different area to access great state schools and b) shut up and pay up like everyone else.

I get it, if it was a thread about failing local schools and I'd wafted on to say ' Why not send them to Eton- it's fabulous' that would be offensively tone-deaf. But how is it tone-deaf to post about the cost of private school, on a thread about private school? It's a fair assumption that others on the thread are dealing with the same issues, and those who aren't in that group will scroll on by. I don't have a father living but I don't object to other people posting about theirs. I've had breast cancer, but I don't hate the privilege displayed by women discussing bras. It isn't tone-deaf or insensitive, it's what is relevant to them. People's lives differ. Castigating other MNetters who have different lives can be equally nasty in either direction, especially when it smacks of revelling in the upset or distress of people perceived as privileged and getting their comeuppance.

So far on this thread we've been told that working, driving, having somewhere to live, cooking and eating, buying clothes, insurance, gardening, having a dog, going on holiday and even buying sanitary products are markers of privilege. At the extremes that may be so, but in and of themselves, they are not. It's good to be sensitive to other people's problems and it's pretty gross to brag about one's own good fortune if others are struggling. But people shouldn't be called tone deaf and out of touch for discussing normal things or genuine concerns.

I was absolutely berated once for saying I couldn’t drive! Completely derailed my thread about another subject entirely that I was really hoping for some advice on. It was absolutely unfathomable to some posters though.

Have loads of examples! One I remember is when school decided to mix up the club bookings because some kids weren’t getting any access to ones they would really benefit from. Our school has to make a kerfuffle out of everything but it was meant to make the whole system more equitable especially for pupil premium/care/adopted children. The WhatsApp group comments were ludicrous and such privilege, one example - ‘what about grandparents who pick up our kids, do we have to ask them to rearrange their schedule’. Jesus, you have grandparents to help and your biggest worry is communicating a slight change with after school pick up ffs!
For context there is after school provision every day so they have other options for childcare. These were enrichment like art, drama etc. And some kids had never had the opportunity in 5 years due to the same kids getting places.
Its the fact that they have no idea how lucky they are and what privileged lives they must lead to get so outraged about this.
Strangely most of the kids didn’t mind and understood the fairness angle, as ever it’s the goddamn parents!

One poster absolutely berated me for suggesting eggs from caged hens. Not ideal, granted, but they were there, they were cheap, and op was in a horrible position. Morals are great when you can afford them.

As Brecht said, "Grub first, morals later".

Great example for the thread!

I'm not in the UK, but having home insurance as a tenant is a condition of my rental contract. I haven't always been insured because I've made mistake, but it's something most people should get if they can.

I had to restrain myself when the "I long to return to lockdown" threads began to appear.

During lockdown, I was caring for my poorly husband and then organising his funeral on my own.

@ArtTheClownIsNotAMime there I was, thinking I was being rather even-handed. Which bit of tone deaf privilege resonated in particular? Was it just the school fees or something more?

It might be in your contract but it isn't enforceable. As the previous posters said.

The whining about financial turmoil.

I have given up drinking alcohol after becoming dependent on it and I’ve looked at a few support threads both current and past on mumsnet.

I have been inspired by lots of people who have posted positive stories and found it so helpful but I’ve also noticed lots of comments that I just can’t understand why anyone would think were appropriate or helpful.

Some examples were:

”I just don’t drink, I’d rather have a cup of tea. If you want to stop just stop”

”I didn’t notice any difference at all when I gave up, everyone went on and on about the benefits but I didn’t see any.
I don’t understand why you are making a big deal out of it, it’s not going to change your life”.

This was a common comment throughout multiple threads from people who hardly drank and just couldn’t get their head around people who had problems with alcohol because they hadn’t experienced it. It just didn’t seem possible for them to accept that giving up a bottle of vodka a night was very different to giving up a bottle of wine a week!

“I did dry January and it was so easy. I just decided I like drinking and I think it’s fine if you have control over it. Can you not just cut down or your life will be very boring”

”Alcoholics are just selfish and self obsessed. Why are you expecting people to praise something that you shouldn’t have allowed get that bad in the first place? People who drink make their loved ones lives a misery and then expect to be just forgiven and celebrated when they stop when actually if they really cared they should have just never started”

“100 days?! That’s just over 3 months. I’ve gone longer than that without drinking loads of times, I thought you were talking about years or something”

I have struggled with addiction and alcohol for as long as I can remember. My parents drank every night so it was normalised for me, they didn’t drink much (2/3 glasses of wine a night) but they lived to drink.
I’ve had a difficult life with so much unimaginable trauma and drinking was a way of coping and blotting out the pain, I think a lot of people who become alcoholics do for similar reasons.
I find it a very privileged attitude if you can’t imagine the reasons why some people might turn to alcohol and drugs if they are suffering and think that everyone has a straightforward life and if they don’t then it must be their fault.

I’m on my 28th day and determined to keep going, I have decided after reading comments online not to mention it to people in real life out of the risk they might say similar and that would really upset me, that’s sad but there has been some amazing support online when you focus on positive comments.

I live somewhere with quite good public transport so I laugh at all the parking threads.

@ArtTheClownIsNotAMime Yes, I understand that could be considered a first world problem. They say comparison is the thief of joy, perhaps it should be 'comparison is the death of empathy'.