Would you have baby on your own in my situation?

[Fancycrab]

I have an amazing 6 yo DD who I know I’m very lucky to have. However, I’ve always wanted a second child. My DD has two mums, her other mum, my exW left me when DD was 2 and we now have 50/50 custody. I hoped I’d meet someone and have another child but it just hasn’t happened yet. I’ve dated people since i separated from exW but no one I’ve liked enough to become long-term with. I’m now 42 and I realise time really is running out and i need to make a decision basically now if I want another child. I have leftover fully-formed, high-grade embryos from the IVF we did with DD. They are genetically mine. If I was to use one of those and they were to work it’d be DD’s full sibling. However, the idea of doing it alone terrifies me. Not the bringing the child up part (past age 2 at least!) more going through pregnancy, childbirth, and the first year alone. I also worry that it would completely destroy any chance I have of finding another partner, which is something that’s important to me in the long-term. The urge to have another child is so strong though. Even if biological clock wasn’t a factor (eg. If I used the embryos and they worked) I still wouldn’t want to have a baby older than 45, I just don’t think it’d be fair on the child. I have my own well-established business and financially I could do it and be able to take enough time off to care for a new baby but it’s the doing it alone part that’s putting me off. If you were in a similar position and you could afford to do it would you?

Nope.

No, in your situation, I wouldn't. It would feel like a selfish decision that wouldn't benefit my current child and actively negatively impact them in the sense of not being able to do activities they want to or go to places or revise in peace or have enough emotional support because of the age gap and you being exhausted.

Yes.

I would! I don’t think it would destroy the chance of you finding another partner either.

I'd do it. Contrary to the poster above, siblings are a gift and enrich the lives of their brothers and sisters. Do you hace a support network?

Do you have friends and/ or family that live near you and that you could lean on for support?

I might, but are you sure you would be allowed? When we had our children via IVF, we both had to sign consent forms and the embryos could only be used if we both consented, regardless of who was the biological mother.

No one should have more than one child in case it inconveniences the original child? Bizarre.

No, imagine seeing your eldest off to see her other parent and having your second ask why they can't go why doesn't sisters other mummy want her.

There's also the consideration of having severe birth complications and having to recover alone, also the possibility of death.

Just no.

Yes absolutely. You seem Incredibly capable and you have an embryo waiting. Yes childbirth alone isn’t ideal but sits also a means to an end x

Yes. One child.or two won't make any difference to finding a new partner.

I had a baby at 45, ex & I split when ds was 3 and I've raised him by myself. It hasn't been an issue at all. It's been a joy. He is a happy confident teen.

If you have the resources and the commitment, then yes.

No

go for it, but currently experiencing how hard the jump from 1 to 2 is, so I’d do my very best to get support around you, as it’s HARD!

This ^ is my opinion too. I’d just go for it. I don’t really understand the “big age gap” or “it’ll inconvenience your other child” 7 years isn’t a huge gap and a lot of people have 2 children.

You are 42 yes a bit older you do have the clock ticking that’s why I’d just go for it.

You seem incredibly capable, financially and emotionally.

It’ll be tough yes but, do you have family and friends to help?

Yes I would. Siblings are a gift to each other and you sound like a lovely mum. As a single mum with one or two kids you’d still be able to meet the right person… in time.

Agree with a PP, if you and your exW were married/in a CP when the embryos were created then they belong to both of you and you won't be able to use them without her consent.

How will you navigate the fact your DD has two, albeit separated, parents then their sibling will too but your exW only sees herself as a parent to DD.

your existing child will feel bad that she leaves you when the sibling gets to stay. and the new child will be jealous that their sibling gets two parents and she only has one.
Also - your ex would surely need to consent to you using these embryos alone too? If youre UK based at least that was on the documents you sign at the clinic when they're made.

Would your ex consider herself to be the other parent if all embryos were created at the same time? Would she help/want access especially as shared care now? They would be full siblings as you said. I would definitely and maybe even pay for some extra help at the start. 50/50 would mean you’d have some time with newborn anyway. You could still meet someone later - lots of my friends have in 50’s, especially the same sex relationships.

What is your support network like? Do you have family or close friends who would help in the early days? If not can you afford to hire help? I think these are huge factors in this decision. I've been a single parent since my youngest was 2 and have managed to date and find a partner so the dating this isn't an issue if you are ok possibly waiting a little while

My ex has legally signed the embryos over to me so that’s not an issue.

But the second issue is another thing that’s putting me off - how my DD would feel about her potential sibling having me as only her mum & my DD only being with me half the time. I really don’t know how she’d feel so yeah it’s another reason I’m very unsure. I have always wanted to give her a sibling though. The age gap may be big when they’re kids but when they’re grown up I think it’s such a benefit to have a sibling & that connection with someone that’s (often, not always) on a deeper level than it ever could be with friends. I guess I worry that she might feel a bit alone in the world with no siblings

I think the bigger risk is that the ex would be legally considered the other parent, as they were married at the time the embryos were conceived and both consented to be parents at the time. If she didn't want OP to use them I am not sure she'd even be able to. OP you would need to check all this before agonising over the decision.

Sounds like a recipe for childhood trauma for the potential baby.

I did it on my own. They’re 20 and 16 now. No regrets at all. I didn’t have time or energy to meet anyone else for a while, but I did meet someone 10 years ago, and we’ve been together ever since (we don’t live together) .

I'm 41 and 19 weeks pregnant; I'm also on my own; my DD is 8 and my female ex-partner is her biological mother. We did IUI for DD so we didn't have embryos to think about. I did think about using the same sperm donor as for DD, but it became clear it would have been logistically tricky, so I didn't.

A part of what decided it for me was that I've always felt bad DD doesn't have a sibling. After my ex had DD, she decided she didn't really want any more children (ie., she didn't want me to have a child), and thought I tried IUI twice unsuccessfully when DD was a baby, it gradually became obvious my ex wasn't onboard and wouldn't have been supportive, and I couldn't do that to a child. DD is delighted with her younger cousins and excited that I might have a baby brother or sister for her.

I am nervous about how it'll be on my own, but I think I will be ok.

I'm in a somewhat similar position and have decided not to. My reasons are:
-lots of issues around finance - I'm much poorer than my ex so my existing child would be much better off e.g. university, house deposit, inheritance
-would really struggle to manage a child with additional needs on my own. I'd take the chance if in a relationship or if I didn't have one already but not now
-Issues around managing older child having a whole additional family (not just parent, but grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) when new child wouldn't, including birthday/Christmas gifts
-my child is getting to the age where we can do more ambitious traveling and day trips which we love, with a baby/toddler in tow we would have to stop these