Gifts for grieving friend

[Ilovethatforyou]

My friend’s dad passed away after a short, brutal illness. I want to put a little package together for her to let her know I’m thinking of her - eg a small candle to light and remember him, maybe a book (any good suggestions welcome). Any ideas of things you’ve done for a friend, or things people have given to you that meant a lot?

Do you know she wants a candle? I would have wanted to throw a candle at the wall, especially if someone had suggested I light it to remember him.

Most appreciated by me were friends who sent food (whole meals and easier nourishing picky food) or who came to hug me or walk with me or babysit so i could do admin or just do nothing, or keep me company doing something that maintained a sense of normality.

I wouldnt have wanted any "stuff".
If she has time to read then something light and humourous, even poetry, might be good.

I agree with PP. People think buying something discharges their duty as a friend, when what you really need is someone to be "there".

Not someone who send a how are you message every once in a while, but someone who shows up.

Tbh a card is great. You don't have to do a lot. Do what you think she would appriciate.
The only fail is not doing anything.

Nope. I would find it very intrusive. People send flowers (that you scarcely notice because you’re in a fug of shock and admin). They check in by message or phone to ask how you are - that’s ok. Then they show up to the funeral and say nice things about your parent.

That’s all. Don’t want candles. Have my own books. Don’t insert yourself into this period of your friend’s life - it’s not necessary and they don’t have the energy for it.

I’m the opposite of pps. When my parent died lots of people showed up with flowers which I personally hate and can’t have out anyway because I have pets who like to eat them. I would have loved a candle and a book. I do agree with others though, it’s the friends who check in regularly, even just to say hi, how are you doing today, and those that offer a walk and a chat or a coffee. They’re the ones you remember afterwards.

I'd send a card with a letter which recalls any happy memories you have of him, even if you didn't know him that well. Maybe a potted shrub for the garden or patio, if she has one, to remember him by. Flowers die. But a hardy shrub is a lovely constant.

And in the card, followed up by a phone call, I'd offer to take on some of the difficult work, if it has landed on her, or to support her through it. Offer to be with her if she needs someone to accompany her to the solicitors, or to go through his things and dispose of them. Turn up to do trips to the charity shop and the tip etc. That's the hideous, gruelling, relentless task post-death.

If she is organising the funeral and wake, that is a heavy job while dealing with bereavement. You could offer to ring up some pubs or hotels and get prices for menus. or if it is low key, offer to bake lots of sausage rolls or make loads of sandwiches. Or get her to send you some photos of him that you can take to Happy Snaps to be blown up to poster size. That sort of thing all takes time. When my dad died I was left to deal with nearly all of this and it almost broke me.

I would say staying in touch. In similar circumstances I found anything else just one more thing I had to do. Flowers meant I had to get a vase out etc. also I would look at whatever had been sent and think “how can that make me feel better?”. I didn’t feel anything negative to the people who sent stuff - I just couldn’t understand how flowers or anything like that could make a dent in how awful I felt.

I loved all the people who tried - but it was the people who picked up the phone or came to see me that actually helped.

Flowers are always appreciated

I would offer time and a listening ear, not items.

I recently lost my dad and I really didn't like all the flowers I received.

Whenever I looked around my lounge, it looked like a funeral home and was just a constant reminder.

Obviously I thanked people for them but they actually made me feel worse (if that was possible).

When ds died I specifically said no cards or flowers. To be honest i didn't want anything. Food was welcomed but I didn't want gifts.

I think the answers so far highlight that whatever you do might be wrong. So don't go overboard one way or another. Maybe a little of each, something thoughtful and something practical like food/meals.

It’s a nice thought, but I actively didn’t want anything when my father died. Cards were ok, but there was already so much to sort out that I just didn’t want any more stuff, or anything that meant I would have needed to spend mental energy on acknowledging the gift. And definitely no books - just wouldn’t have had the headspace.

The thing I most appreciated was a good friend turning up with food and no expectations. But that only works if you are a very close friend, not someone that you have to put a brave face on for.

I love flowers but I wouldn’t like it then. I only have 1 vase so it would be another thing to be stressed about.

They're really not. It's just another job to do and then you watch them die and make a mess.

A card is a nice thought but the best thing to do is be present, especially down the line when everyone drifts off

I hated cards personally when my mum died. I do like and appreciated flowers. I am a candle lover but getting one to light for my mum wiuld have only have been appreciated from specific people. A hug and some food would have been appreciated too.

I think perhaps my original post was misconstrued by some in that I was planning on sticking a candle in a bag and leaving it on her doorstep and that would be that. During the period of her dad being ill, I’ve offered a listening ear and said her children can stay with me anytime if she and DH needed to suddenly go off to her dad. We have coffees/dog walks and will continue to do so. We are not super close, but our daughters are good friends and we live nearby. I’ve taken on board the advice, so thanks for the replies.

Yes that how I felt about flowers. When DH died, I started putting them straight in the compost I had so many. I appreciated the thought, but the flowers were a job I didn’t need.

The best friends were the ones who called and invited me out somewhere. Lunch/coffee/a walk/a run.

I think you’re right. I will just plan on “being there”.

I think practical help like that was worth a million pounds when my dad died.

There was so much to do and my car was out of action, so anyone offering lifts to the funeral home/Town Hall to register his death/anywhere else etc was so appreciated.

Also, my friend asked me to send her the photos we wanted to dot around the room at the wake, and she framed them all and made a beautiful collage too.

I'm sure if you sent a card and offered to help with the practical stuff she'd be very happy.

But ultimately you know your friend and we don't.

Just keep up with the dog walks and invite her round for tea and a chat.

The gift would be well-meaning but unlikely to be appreciated.

I'd offer something practical like a meal that can be frozen, or better, practical help with something.
e.g. 'Would you like me to pick up Freya and Arthur and give them lunch on Saturday so you can spend time with your brother and sister?' not 'Let me know if you need anything'

I agree with those PPs who found gifts unhelpful. I know that the friend who arrived with some expensive hand cream just wanted to be thoughtful but my child had died .. my overwhelming feeling was how was hand cream going to help? Similarly books of poems to "comfort" me. All well meant I do realise and of course I was polite but just an extra stress as others have said.
One very close friend came round and cleaned my house while I was out and others brought food. That was appreciated. As was meeting to do normal things like a coffee or a walk, although nothing felt the least bit normal at the time. And only good friends were welcome; well-meaning neighbours and people I wasn't close to .. they should have sent a card and stayed away. There's just no energy for dealing with acquaintances. Especially the ones who want to know all the details. I'm still angry about their intrusion as you can probably tell.
And there's a special place in hell for the woman who kept sending me quotations from the bible by text ..
You sound like a really nice person OP. Offering to look after her children/go for a coffee/dog walk etc is all good - I'm sure you'll get it right.

'I know that the friend who arrived with some expensive hand cream just wanted to be thoughtful...'

The hand cream or candle becomes associated with the grief.

Sorry for your loss @highlandcoo .

I so agree. The person who told me ds is in a better place got short shift and I never spoke to them again.