Why do some men do this!?

[beanzzz]

I’m currently waiting for a train on the platform and sitting on a small bench - it can fit two people max. The bench next to me is empty - someone has put their very small bag in the corner but no one is sitting there and there’s plenty of room. So why, why, WHY does a random man decide he needs to sit next to me instead of on the empty bench!?

I had something similar happen in a train a few months ago. I was sitting on a two-seater and had my big bags on the seat next to me - I’d never do this on a full train, but all the two-seaters around me were also only occupied by one person, so I didn’t see any need to. At the next stop, a man got on, and instead of sitting down next to any one of the several men who had an empty seat next to them - and no luggage - he decided to ask me to move my bags and sit next to me instead.

Why!?

Possible reasons:

He's a dick
That's his usual seat and he has a strict routine
The other bench has bird poo on
The bag on the other bench is full of wet fish
He fancies you
Your bench is closer to the train carriage he needs to be on.
The bench you are sitting on is the bench he got as a memorial to his late wife.
Your bench has a better view.

I mean, of course there could be a million reasons. But what I simply don’t understand - more with regards to the second case to be fair - is why you’d purposely inconvenience someone for an outcome that is ultimately exactly the same for you if you didn’t inconvenience anyone. You get an aisle seat either way.

There's a tendency in some men to enjoy women's discomfort. You see it a lot. They'd probably do it to other men too if it was safe

It's weird that anyone sitting next to you on a public seat made for two, would cause you any kind of discomfort.

I don't expect it would enter anyone's head whether they're a man, woman or child.

@SallyD00lally someone has walked past the empty seats to sit by OP. That is odd behaviour. The seat with someone in it is more attractive to that man the the emptier seat. That generally means he wants something from her.

@beanzzz I hope you got up and moved benches. I tend to in that situation.

@MylipstickiscalledHugMe that’s also my instinct

@SallyD00lally I disagree. Sitting down next to someone when there’s an empty bench available definitely breaks the social contract, which is exactly why it feels uncomfortable. Not to mention that he was manspreading like hell so I had to angle my body away from him so we weren’t touching!

@PrizedPickledPopcorn thank you! I did eventually after a bit of stewing…

Wants what?

What did the OP say he asked her for?

Maybe he's the sort of passenger who gets angry at people using empty seats to store their bags?

Not everyone is 'out to get' everyone else.

Well you should have mentioned the manspreading?!

And more importantly, mentioned it to him.

I've lost count of the amount of men on public transport to whom I've had to say, "Excuse me, can you close you're legs please, they're encroaching on my space".

It's never once caused a row - in fact I've never had to ask the same man twice.

when this has happened to me (usually on the train when someone sits next to me despite other free seats) I will get up and move so I have space. I usually give them as strange look as I do it.

and yes it always is men.

@SallyD00lallyI would also classify making someone move their bags on a train with plenty of other free seats as weird behaviour. I always use the luggage rack if the train is full, and I’ve asked others to move their bags when there’s no space left. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to keep your belongings next to you if it isn’t depriving anyone of a seat. That said, I had a suitcase stolen from the luggage rack about 15 years ago so maybe that’s affecting my judgment.

@Chickenwing2 so disappointing that this is a “thing”

Ooh, I can answer this one. A rare time on Mumsnet where "Man here!" is actually useful.

It's because men are more threatening than women. That reason that you don't want a man sat next to you? It's also why we don't want to sit next to another man. Obviously we don't have the risk of sexual assault that you do. But if we choose to sit next to someone on the train, and they take offence to us for some reason, then they're far less likely to kick off and we're far less likely to get punched in the face if the person we've chosen to sit next to is a woman.

And because we're know we're not one of the bad ones, we don't contemplate that by sitting next to a woman, we're causing her exactly the same anxiety that we're trying to avoid.

In short, we're idiots.

Yeah I wouldn't bother asking them to move their bags if there were other seats available.

But some MNetters get outraged by it, and go out of their way to sit next to someone who uses the seat next to them for their bags.

They want something, otherwise they would sit in the unoccupied space. Sometimes what they want is to feel physically close to a woman, or to make her uncomfortable. Sometimes they want to chat because they are lonely. Sometimes they want to chat you up. Obviously they don’t say ‘excuse me, can I just sit here so I feel less lonely, and know I can have a chat if I want one?’. They just assume.

On occasion women do this too, but they usually say, ‘Sorry, I hope you don’t mind, but it feels a bit creepy round here. Safety in numbers!’.

Generally speaking, women are not a resource for random men to enjoy.

In short, we're idiots.

You may be an idiot (I have no idea really), but some men won't be thinking of anything other than what they're going to have for dinner, or what time the football kicks off.

Not everyone thinks every tiny thing inside out.

Some people just hop on the train they've paid to be on and sit down.

This wouldn’t bother me. They are allowed to sit there if they want.

Your last paragraphs pleased me, as I was starting to get irritated 🤣.

Next up, can someone explain why cars need to park right up close against mine in an otherwise empty carpark?

Are they huddling together for warmth?

Sometimes if people see a bag placed on a chair they will try and sit there out of principle. To try and make you move the bag. The bag was just unattended?

Jesus, your mind! 😲

Seriously odd.

It annoys me OP when clearly entitled individuals put their bags on the seat next to them and expect other passengers to sit elsewhere- and yes, some people look entitled to do this, others do not (and typically look harried and tired instead). The former, I will typically ask to shift their bags so I can sit down even if there are a few other aisle seats free. As the former are often younger passengers, and often female, frankly they are better seat mates than the sweaty bloke two seats down who’s just cycled to the station. As a female commuter I generally prefer a female seat mate!

Oh I don't think it's even a conscious thought for most men. We get on the train, and sit down somewhere and never even think about why we sat where we sat.

It only really crossed my mind because I was on a coach back from the airport many years ago and saw a thread very like this, either on here or maybe on Reddit. And it made me think about why I was sat next to the older lady next to me. And then it crossed my mind the next time I got on a train and headed towards a seat with a woman in it.

So I stopped doing it, and was surprised at how difficult it was to ignore that first instinct.

It's like checking the exits when you walk into a crowded place, or knowing that the driver in front of you is a bad driver without having consciously clocked why yet, just constant risk assessment that you don't even know you're doing.

@SurferRona I think I know what you mean, I sometimes roll my eyes when people place a small handbag or scarf or whatever on the seat next to them just to block anyone else from sitting there. Especially when you get on the train and every single person has put some token item down just to occupy both seats.

But that day I was traveling with two big duffels (which were a total pain in the ass to move when he asked) and I do feel that this is a different scenario - I wasn't purposely spreading out to take both seats, I just happened to have a lot of bulky stuff and wanted to keep it close to me. Either way, I was definitely harried and tired after lugging them across London (and multiple tube lines) to get to the station, and I actually distinctly remember being annoyed that I hadn't had time to take a shower that day... serves him right 😂