Nightmare teenager situation

[Fatoldtiredboring]

Posted on Parenting but hoping for some more input.

My daugter (14) was severely disturbed by her father leaving us very abruptly (3 years ago) to go live overseas with his girlfriend (we were married but he had had the girlfriend throughout our marriage, unbeknownst to me). He pays nothing towards her or her 2 brothers and sees them once a year for a couple of hours. She idolises him. She complains that I hate her, she wants to go live with him, etc. a lot. I've done my very best as a single mum. Worked as much as I could. Taken them for meals out. Paid for school trips. Expensive hobbies. Music lessons of their choice. Taxied. All the usual parent stuff you'd expect. And I've reassured them they are all very much loved, and I would never leave them.
Tonight, I've emailed school as my daughter struggles with a particular subject. Within minutes she came crashing downstairs, screaming at me to delete the email. I've no idea how she read it, but suspect her dad has access to my email (he's hacked me before and was given a non-molestation order for this and other domestic abuse which I discovered once he'd left - putting trackers on my devices, car, etc.). Cue a huge meltdown, during which time I prised her phone from her hands as she needed to calm down urgently. She then berated me for a good 30 mins. at which point I just gave her the phone back. I was sick of the upset. 30 mins. later, Police arrive with a report of assault on a child. She had reported me (possibly with her dad's input). Police were great. Spoke to her alone and told her I was simply parenting and that she hadn't been assaulted. SS now involved as I'm struggling with her volatile emotions. I feel awful, can't sleep and have no idea how to approach things in the morning. I daren't leave my bedroom. Please help.

This.
I would say "yes of course you can go and live with your dad. He will have to arrange a new school, a room in his house, a new phone contract and everything else you will need.
You will need to do lots of research on the country, the transport and education system, but he will have to organise it all. Let me know when it is all sorted."
He won't.
.

Send her to her Dad, your life is too short for this shite. She’ll be back when he realises how hard work she is.

Just read that it’s a dangerous country. Oh well she better toughen up a bit then hadn’t she? He’s still alive and managing to hack you so it can’t be that bad. You’re going to have years of misery if you don’t do something drastic OP. She isn’t going to suddenly realise that you’ve done everything for her. I used to think my ex having my kids was the worst thing that could happen, I was basically Mary Poppins but that generation grew up with everyone talking to them if generational trauma blah blah. They’re hugely entitled. I seriously would send her there. You’re a human being that deserves to not have police at their door. She must absolutely detest you to do that sorry and what happens if the believe her next time? You could go to prison and not be able to gain employment. You need to show her that you are not a doormat. Let her see a hard country and a hard life and tell her you’ll buy her return a return ticket any time she likes.

So would I! In know she’s a child but come on calling the police on your Mum? It’s properly low behaviour.

Right, first thing first change the password on your email account and turn on multi factor authentication so that you need access to your phone in order to complete login.

check your sent items to see if any of your emails are being forwarded to another account, check your deleted items and your ‘recover deleted items’ folder and check settings and remove any authorised devices that you don’t recognise.

Could she maybe (if she would actually go) access some free counselling through school or the local authority?

It might give her some perspective and someone to talk to who is impartial/away from the situation. You might want some support as well, OP, it's very hard.

This was my first thought too. Perhaps get yourself an iPad that only you can access with a PIN code and send emails through that.

I know you have said she can't live with him, or even visit him, because it's unsafe but I would be tempted to call his bluff (you absolutely know he will be telling her he would love to see her but you are blocking them being together). She won't be at risk because he won't step up. Lean into SS involvement. And set up a new email account.

On a certain level she knows you are her only dependable parent. Her father has made her feel so unloved and unlovable that she has to keep testing if you will abandon her too.

OP, this all sounds absolutely dreadful. Your poor daughter is obviously massively insecure which is not your fault and so very hard to deal with. Re your ex's hacking of your electronics; first off, no sharing whatsoever with your daughter. Secondly everything you own needs to go to a good tech person for stripping down and reinstalling. Everything needs biometric security, face and fingerprint at minimum. Consider a Protonmail email address for added security.
I am so sorry this is happening, you must be worn to a frazzle, I experienced a lesser version of this with my DD2 from when she was quite small and it was HORRIBLE so goodness knows how you are coping. The good news? Things got much better once she got to her late teens, our relationship now is almost unrecognisable. I will be hoping for the same for you.

I'm not sure I'd be telling her that she's welcome to go and live with her dad, although I agree with pp that this won't happen if he is the one who has to sort it all out. Remember you are the safe person who she can rail against and know that you won't leave her. Maybe she is trying to push you as hard as she can to test if you'll still stay. It must have broken her heart when her dad left and no doubt it doesn't feel safe to her to be angry with him, so you'll get it all.

I really wish you luck, OP. It sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

If he lives in another country how can he hack your PC? is your passwords too easy to guess? It really isn't that easy to hack someone's PC when your 100's of miles away and you have no physical access.

I'm so sorry you're in such an awful situation.

It sounds like you are being a brilliant parent. Teenagers are incredibly challenging and you are parenting alone with all these nightmare ex issues in addition.

I think you need to just keep going. Try and maintain your boundaries and rules as calmly as you can. She will hopefully come out of this at some stage and recognise what's really going on and you will have a good relationship.

Can you put parental controls on her phone/other devices do you can just switch off remotely rather than physically wrestling stuff off her?

As PPs have said you definitely need some tech help to ensure your safety and privacy.

Do you have RL support? Any other mums of teens you can go for a drink with and moan/compare notes?

Look after yourself with kindness during this tricky time, take breaks and do some things for yourself.

This sounds so hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Can you focus first on stopping your ex having access to your emails? Do you have two factor authentication (2FA) already? If not, you should definitely enable it - preferably on all your accounts that allow it. If you’re concerned about access try to charge your password regularly. It won’t help if he’s managed to install another key logger but there are lots of things you can do to prevent him getting access again when your devices are clean. Definitely never open any attachments or click any links he sends you. There are lots of good online resources on cyber security if this isn’t an area you’re already familiar with (although I’m guessing you will be given what a nightmare he’s put you through).

Your daughter must be finding this so hard, especially with her dad as manipulative as he is. It’s awful that he’s manipulating her against you, and if there’s any way possible to get her to recognise his behaviour then the earlier the better. It’s really hard to undo one parent’s criticisms of another parent later in life, even if the child realises they were being used.

It might be time to push for proper help, either through school or the GP. She might not want to engage but she needs to be able to talk to someone who’s not involved. I’d also, when the time is right, consider being honest with her about all he’s done. She won’t want to give up the picture she has of her wonderful dad, and it’ll be very hard, but hopefully it’ll help her see him for what he is.

Good luck OP.

I bet its the type of country where you'd have problems getting your child out if Dad refused.
I feel so sorry for you. What's her relationship with her brothers like? Can they sow the seed of what an utter cunt he is in her mind?
And get your devices scanned again, doubt a non mol will bother him much.

Is it possible he has taught her to hack your devices?

My kids are younger but one thing which has helped the “dad is amazing” blinkers come off has been lots of chats about how they would parent if they had kids.

This is completely seperate to any conversation about their dad. But if, for example, we see a toddler having a meltdown because the parent won’t give them a second ice cream in the car later I might say something like “if you’d been the mum what would you have done?” Interestingly when posed in that context they would always decide “two ice creams aren’t healthy, I wouldn’t give in” and it’s gradually made them come to realise “dad giving us unlimited ice cream isn’t a good choice”.

Sorry you are going through this. I'm in a similar position to you. Challenging teenagers and nightmare ex husband! Totally know how you feel.
Please know you arent on your own.

really good advice ❤️

Thanks, everyone. It's a long story but my ex-H is a bit of an IT whizz. He could easily get my daughter to install software and she would do anything for him. She's quite naive in that sense. I'm the enemy to her because I do all the parenting. He literally has them for a few hours once every 18 months or so. To be quite honest, I feel sick today. I just want to go to bed and cry. I've worked so hard over the years for the children.

In terms of the country, he's in a place very similar to Brazil.

Have you considered talking to the police about the cyber stalking, OP? Especially since your ex is grooming and abusing your daughter by those means. I would be taking it extremely seriously. And I would be limiting her phone use or removing her internet access altogether.

I'd be sticking her on a flight tomorrow. You've done what you can & it's not working, time to change it up.
I think you are being unkind to your other children by allowing her to dominate your life & their lives in this way.
You & your other children deserve to live without her chaos.

New email address
get something like proton mail and keep it on your phone only.

I’d suggest saying to her that it would be good to connect with both her parents and giving her permission to arrange to see her dad during the summer holidays.

many teenagers hate their parents. I went through similar with one of mine. It is very, very hard. The best way for her to learn is to see that dad does not care. If she starts in at him at wanting to spend weeks with him he’s likely to back off significantly.
if he doesn’t then brutally she is unlikely to enjoy her time with him and it’ll tone the whinging down

New (secure) home router as well.

I think you should involve the police with regard to the cyber crimes your ex is committing. Then arrange for your daughter to go and stay with her dad for a prolonged visit over the summer, and watch her blinkers fall off.

Could you get a second laptop and mobile that your DD doesn't know about and get a VPN set up. Change all your passwords.

If you sent her out to visit her dad would he keep her safe? I'm thinking like a PP that perhaps it's about time she gets a harsh dose of reality although I can completely understand your reluctance to go down that route.

Do her brothers ever try and talk sense into her?

Surprise, surprise. It was my ex-H, parenting from afar, who reported the incident. All because she had her phone taken from her. Apparently, that's abuse. I'm done. Absolutely sick to my stomach.