Nightmare teenager situation

[Fatoldtiredboring]

Posted on Parenting but hoping for some more input.

My daugter (14) was severely disturbed by her father leaving us very abruptly (3 years ago) to go live overseas with his girlfriend (we were married but he had had the girlfriend throughout our marriage, unbeknownst to me). He pays nothing towards her or her 2 brothers and sees them once a year for a couple of hours. She idolises him. She complains that I hate her, she wants to go live with him, etc. a lot. I've done my very best as a single mum. Worked as much as I could. Taken them for meals out. Paid for school trips. Expensive hobbies. Music lessons of their choice. Taxied. All the usual parent stuff you'd expect. And I've reassured them they are all very much loved, and I would never leave them.
Tonight, I've emailed school as my daughter struggles with a particular subject. Within minutes she came crashing downstairs, screaming at me to delete the email. I've no idea how she read it, but suspect her dad has access to my email (he's hacked me before and was given a non-molestation order for this and other domestic abuse which I discovered once he'd left - putting trackers on my devices, car, etc.). Cue a huge meltdown, during which time I prised her phone from her hands as she needed to calm down urgently. She then berated me for a good 30 mins. at which point I just gave her the phone back. I was sick of the upset. 30 mins. later, Police arrive with a report of assault on a child. She had reported me (possibly with her dad's input). Police were great. Spoke to her alone and told her I was simply parenting and that she hadn't been assaulted. SS now involved as I'm struggling with her volatile emotions. I feel awful, can't sleep and have no idea how to approach things in the morning. I daren't leave my bedroom. Please help.

I have no useful advice but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. Can you get a professional to check your devices and then change all your passwords?
Would school offer her some counselling?

@porridgecake She has previously refused CAMHS involvement and ED team involvement. Dad has convinced her she has food allergies (she's been tested. None.) Thank you for being kind. That's just what I need today.

Didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry but not sure I have any useful advise but we're in a similar situation, where she loves the deadbeat dad, hates me, pretty much abusive (just constant cruelness when she is emotional dysregulated or bored) even though I'm doing my best to give her everything (structure, stability, boundaries and but also I'm giving her her own way and material things a lot to try and create happy memories and moments of joy that she'll remember)

If I'm honest I've come down on the side of I can't parent her the way I'd like to because of her dad's intervention so I do bend over backwards to make her happy because honestly I think she'd hate me and walk out the door and never look back once she turns 18 if I didn't. Her hatred of me at times seems to run so deep that I genuinely think this is a possibility.

Do your best, pick your battles and keep reiterating that you're trying to do what you can to make her happy but also a well rounded adult.

Is he telling her that he would love to have her to live with him but you won't allow it? He sounds very manipulative. Why is she so fixated on going to live with him?

@Jigsawlady1 Sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. It is almost pointless trying to compete with an idol. My ex-H is an alcoholic, a liar, deceitful, controlling and spiteful (he has made malicious, unfounded reports to SS with my daughter's help - getting her to take photos of patches of mould, reporting me to my housing provider). I sometimes feel so sad that, when I'm dead, she might realise she's been his victim too, but it'll be too late.

@porridgecake He lives in a dangerous country. One you would only visit to go to designated resorts, but where you don't stray from the resort at all. I'd rather die than let my kids go there. He hasn't worked for well over a decade (found a new @Fatoldtiredboring to fund his lifestyle), has no income, etc. He comes over once a year, if that, and has them for maximum 2 hours. My sons are fully aware of what he's like, but maintain a polite front. I think he's just her perfect daddy (he was, for her formative years) and she's addicted to the idea.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I’d make it a priority to set up a new email address as it is quite worrying if he or she can access it. My daughter also hates me emailing school so maybe lay off that. I wonder whether she needs to see him MORE. I know he isn’t a great role model but it sounds like your daughter is idolising him because he barely ever sees him. Could you organise a 2 week trip for her to see him in return for better behaviour at home? Good luck.

I'm so sorry OP. You know she doesn't hate you don't you? Hold on to that please. She's so hurt by what he has done and is confused, angry and deeply unhappy. She is too young to rationalize it so unfortunately she is taking all these overwhelming feelings out on you.
More posters will be along soon with much better advice on how to navigate this/how to access help for you.
Remember although it feels like she hates you she's just an unhappy little girl taking it out on you because she doesn't know what else to do.
I'm so sorry.

@Marylou62 Thank you. I need kindness today.

@Holdonforsummer It's just not affordable for me (he has never paid a penny). And not a safe place at all. When he comes over, he can barely manage two hours with them. He promises to come over, then makes excuses why he can't.

You are her safe space. She might not be thinking rationally but subconsciously she is saying, "Dad didn't love me enough to stay, I bet Mum doesn't love me either".

So she is pushing all your buttons.

On the subject of tracking / having access to email, there is 1990 piece of legislation called 'Computer Misuse Act'. You don't need to be in the UK for it to apply so if he is putting trackers on, accessing your email etc there is something you can do about it.

@Fatoldtiredboring I'm so sorry you are in this horrible situation. I'm wondering though if you can turn the SS involvement into a positive? No comeback on you as DD was the initiator by calling the police, but if they agreed a Child in Need process it might put all of her father's behaviour on record and help her to see him for what he is. 14 is a really tricky age for girls, it can be a real endurance test. I do hope SS can offer you both some support.

Teenagers are tough going OP.
My mate reminds me that teenagers have no frontal lobe in their brain, this knowledge doesn’t make coping with their behaviour any easier though. His behaviour towards her is abusive and at the moment she can’t see it, he’s manipulating her. I’m not sure how you get her to identify what is really going on, the behaviour modelled by your sons is helpful. Who else is in her life that can model healthy relationships?

Set up a new email account - I’d be livid with this invasion of privacy.

I’m sure that deep down she knows that you’re the proper safe parent. I had a fairly useless Dad, left when I was 2, saw him regularly till about 12, then he backed off as his latest wife didn’t like kids. When I went through my vile teen rebellion years around 16, I turned to my Dad, claimed he was better than my Mum. My Dad undermined all my Mum’s attempts at being a good parent, and said all the right things in my teenage mind. I said I’d come and live with him, and then of course suddenly he wasn’t quite as supportive….

Anyway, I came out the other side, and now of course I can see that my Mum was the proper parent, and my Dad was just cashing in on an opportunity to cause difficulty for her.

Deep down your daughter knows you’re her real parent and that you’re doing what’s best for her. She’s just going through that horrible teen phase when they’ll swear that back is white.

Thank you all for your kind words. I feel very low. She is unrepentant this morning. I've asked school to call me. Not much they can do, really, but I can try.

@myfridgeiscool This is the 3rd time he's hacked me. He put a key logger on my PC twice.

Are you sure your daughter couldn't of read or accessed your emails?

Unsafe like Afghanistan or unsafe like generic global south poverty. Because people go back home to many places you wouldn’t necessarily go on holiday all the time.

or is that you think he wouldn’t keep her safe while she was there?

id look into part exchanging your laptop and getting some security software. But also don’t let her use it as she can’t be trusted

she’s old enough for a frank conversation about what she wants for herself, from life and in the next few year and agree some goals.

maybe agree she can visit him at 16 as compromise and a behaviour goal?

I wanted to share this in case any of the advice or helplines are helpful. Getting free of your ex (and daughter) spying on you digitally will help you feel safe.

womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/cover-your-tracks-online/

I’d be reporting the hacking to the police.
What a bastard.
Can you get a new device? Along with new email?

Could you daughter be helping him to do this?

feeling for you today OP! Hang on in there you’re doing an outstanding job with a twat of an XH and maybe difficult character DD.

if it were me as much as I could I’d let her go. Hoping that if you say that’s fine to go to your dad he can book the flights he just never will. Otherwise Nothing like a bit of a scary environment and hardship to make you realise the grass isn’t greener.

“Cue a huge meltdown, during which time I prised her phone from her hands as she needed to calm down urgently.”

i have done things like this with my young teen but it’s not good parenting and caused a huge escalation and damage to our relationship. You are blaming everything on your ex but here is an example of something you did which probably made things worse. My advice is to get professional help yourself to change your parenting approach as it isn’t working and you’d be amazed at the changes once you are able to be more attuned in the relationship. I recommend a private DDP family therapist who would work just with you to help you approach her differently. She lives with you, the breakdown in relationship is not all his fault. This is empowering information for you and not a criticism. Also have a look at CAPA first response as they have great as for repairing relationships

Obviously sort out your email privacy.

Just tell her she can go live with him if she wants. Obviously that won’t happen.

the ex husband thing is a bit of a red herring. You and your daughter are the ones with the problem and he’s just absent. Engage with school, doctor, CAHMS, social services, everything and just concentrate on parenting the child in front of you.