Loneliness of being a stay at home mum

[tinedfish]

I’m a stay-at-home mum to a 1.5-year-old and trying for another baby. This is what I always wanted, and financially it makes sense because my husband earns much more and has an unpredictable, self-employed schedule. I also have some residual income and a pension.

Being a stay-at-home mum is still amazing but it feels different now. Most of my mum friends have gone back to work, so no one is free during the week, and I’m finding it hard to make new mum friends at baby groups. It’s starting to feel quite lonely. Baby goes to nursery twice a week but those days are to cram in anything I can’t do with a feral 1 year old. I’m on peanut and doing lots of baby classes. I’ve also just started going back to the gym when I can. Has anyone else found ways of making sure they don’t get lost In the life of being a stay at home mum. I’m considering a hobby or class. Financially me going back to work isn’t what I want and would work for our family unless I could find child care options for husband’s unpredictable schedule. I also don’t have any family that help or our close by so it’s just me and the baby all day every day unless I go out which I do nearly every day.

Maybe a hobby. Op my friend childminds says it lonely if she not seeing anyone in her week. So a hobby or volunteering good

What she says, repeatedly, is that she doesn’t want to go back to work.

*me going back to work isn’t what I want - *in the bit you quoted.

I’m honestly not wanting to sound unnecessarily argumentative or belligerent here but this happens time and again on here. Someone is struggling adjusting from life as a child free person to life as a mum and time and again they are told the answer is work, go back to work, work more, see your child less.

As well as being questionable in terms of what’s best for the child - contentious I know but as much as I believe a good childcare setting has many benefits, I don’t believe full time childcare is in the best interests of children - it also largely misses the point. More often than not, when you work full time yes your child is cared for elsewhere during the working day but you still have to manage to juggle the other stuff. And it doesn’t magically cure stress and loneliness either; in fact, it can often be a contributory factor.

I’m a SAHM, in very similar circumstances by the sounds of it. I do literally everything for the kids and around the house a lot of the time due to DHs demanding work schedule (albeit I do outsource some where I can!) and altho I could put the kids in childcare and work, I absolutely don’t want to. One because I like being there every day with them but two because I would still have the same responsibilities at home but I’d then also be working as well. Even less time for me!
As it stands, I’m in the thick of it, as you are. My two are 4 and nearly 1, and while I truly love being a SAHM, it can be tough not really having anything for me. Your identity very quickly becomes primarily and almost solely ‘mum’. I unfortunately don’t have much in the way of practical familial support but I think once the youngest has started preschool in a year or so, I can get back to my pre baby hobbies. Until then, I go to a lot of baby groups and classes and make lots of effort to see friends when I can. I tend to go out every day, or I start to feel a bit stir crazy but I was like that before kids too!

You just described how I feel. I also stay at home with my 1.5 year old. Being a SAHM did feel amazing and I used to feel so grateful getting to spend all of this time with her, but now I’m so conflicted. I knew before she was even born that I wasn’t going to go back to work, partly because I hated my job but also because I didn’t want her to go to nursery so young.

I made a few mum friends in the earlier months who are also now back at work, so we spend most of our days on our own. I still go to playgroups (i also have to get out every day as it’s so much harder to entertain an energetic/easily bored toddler at home) so there’s a bit of mum chat here and there but nothing where i feel like I’ve actually socialised. The days are long and I feel like I’m at the point where putting the TV on for her for brief periods helps to get through, which I feel so guilty for and didn’t think I’d be like that. But I am exhausted!

I know many would just say, get a job and put her in nursery but I also really want to enjoy this time with her as much as I can, whilst I can. Some days are obviously better than others but I just wish I didn’t feel like this!