Loneliness of being a stay at home mum

[tinedfish]

I’m a stay-at-home mum to a 1.5-year-old and trying for another baby. This is what I always wanted, and financially it makes sense because my husband earns much more and has an unpredictable, self-employed schedule. I also have some residual income and a pension.

Being a stay-at-home mum is still amazing but it feels different now. Most of my mum friends have gone back to work, so no one is free during the week, and I’m finding it hard to make new mum friends at baby groups. It’s starting to feel quite lonely. Baby goes to nursery twice a week but those days are to cram in anything I can’t do with a feral 1 year old. I’m on peanut and doing lots of baby classes. I’ve also just started going back to the gym when I can. Has anyone else found ways of making sure they don’t get lost In the life of being a stay at home mum. I’m considering a hobby or class. Financially me going back to work isn’t what I want and would work for our family unless I could find child care options for husband’s unpredictable schedule. I also don’t have any family that help or our close by so it’s just me and the baby all day every day unless I go out which I do nearly every day.

Well, I think you’ve just described why being a SAHP suits so few people. Find a way to get back to your working life, part-time if not full-time.

Go back to work and pay for childcare. You are very vulnerable with no income and a self employed husband who could easily hide income on divorce. He also needs to not see you as the default parent.
Do you have full access to all your joint money and other assets?
Is he paying into a pension for you?

This
I had a year off with my first child plus all my annual leave so nearly 15 months and I was more than ready to go back as I was the same - intially it was nice meeting up with people, having lunch etc but nobody else I met took anywhere near as long off as me, and it got a bit boring going to groups on my own and with people going with their friends. It became rather tedious and it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with the baby I needed adult company too.

If it was me - I would get a part time job and book nursery for those days - round your hours not the other half. Funding is better now and also even if you pay out for it and don’t earn much after you’ve done so, it will get you out and seeing other people and be much better for your mental health.

We had a weekly rhythm of activities and didn't really have any spare time where I felt lonely. If I had free time, I'd have slept!

Weekdays we met with friends or went out to some group, activity, museum, library etc before nap, then out to the park or for a walk and shopping after naps. I met likeminded mum friends at groups like babywearing groups. Playing, reading, arts and crafts, messy play etc after dinner. Weekends we saw family before nap, and community events or relaxing at home after nap. After bedtime I cleaned, crafted, caught up with my friends who moved abroad, watched TV and read.

Those were the best years of my life and I don't regret it for a moment.

Also very good points made here x

I agree with @WryNecked . If working isn’t about the finances then you can take up any part time or even zero hours job and actually enjoy it because it comes with less drudgery than a full time job. If you work predicable hours/ad hoc to suit nursery drop off and pick up it doesn’t matter what your husband works.

I’m on maternity leave currently but work part since having my DD. I don’t love my job but being part time the annoying things about it that I hated when I was full time wash over me. Plus I get a few days a week to be Groundhogday2025, not just “mummy, can I have….” That time is so important for my mental health and I really feel like I have the best of both worlds.

Being a SAHM is hard, but it’s also changed as most women do now go back to work in some capacity, so it’s also lonely too as you are finding out. Just because you always thought it’s what you wanted doesn’t mean you can’t just say “hey! This isn’t what I thought, I want to reevaluate”. There’s no shame in changing your mind.

I’m not vulnerable I have my own finances own property prenup pension etc and residual income every month and more residual income about to happen this year I also really don’t want to go back to work I want to find away to stay at home and not loose myself as a mother and husband. I have full access to all my money and all of our money he earns goes directly into a joint account he has some savings which I could access as I know all his log ins etc. we both pay into pension from joint account I also help do his business accounts occasionally so get to see what he earns. I’m very financially savvy and refused to be a stay at home mum with any other set up we both came into this relationship with our own money savings property etc and made sure if I was a stay at home mum I wouldn’t be worse off than him and would be protected. I’ve also had legal advice when having my prenup drawn up that my assets and trust pre marriage would be protected. He dosnt see me as the default parent when he’s around he more hands on that me but him being around more at the moment isn’t financially worth it he’s planning to take a step back in the next couple of years and work less hours

I stayed at home until the first year of primary for mine and it was fine as long as you keep busy. You can split the days into segments and do different things eg morning for craft, lunch then afternoon walk or being in town. I found if I did that I would usually think of something to use up in an activity or something we could drive to see - duck pond, castle etc etc. I would say it was very hard to get back into the workplace and there are often many days when no one else is around. My main advice is to keep up reading, because I somehow dropped it (tired I think) and it has taken me a while to feel OK with taking the time to read again. You show kids reading is fun and also get them doing something quiet, which increases empathy, so it is a win-win.

Getting out is so important even a short walk every day just to feel connected to outside. At that age podcasts are great to listen to, over lunch for example. It gets harder when they start talking and you can't do that. Building a bank of memories at weekends, holiday times can be sustaining too. Hate that all the posts are just telling you to go back to work. Its a precious time and you can enjoy it 🙂

I couldn't deal with the lack of intellectual challenge. I went back when ds was 2y2m.
The first summer (maternity leave) wasn't too bad. I did a lot of hiking with him in a sling. Then winter at home was ok but the second spring was too isolating, I spent the summer interviewing and went back in the autumn.

I lasted four and five months before going back pt each time. It saved my sanity. 23 years on and never a single regret.

I think it’s because you have 1 dc at the moment. I became sahm when we had 2 and now we have 3 children I am never bored!!! I do a nursery and school drop off, then come home and shower and have breakfast for myself!! The baby naps on the drive and has a bottle when we get home.
Then cleaning, tidying, admin, lunch, playing and back out again to collect kids. Maybe an after school club for the eldest. Make tea and repeat. It’s mad busy!

It doesn’t matter if you think it’s ’precious time’. The OP doesn’t think it’s precious at all — she’s bored and lonely. Being a SAHP doesn’t suit her, just as it doesn’t suit many people. Finding baby groups and making an effort to leave the house is just moving deckchairs on the Titanic.

She's literally just said she doesnt want to go back to work and its all anyone is telling her to do.

Also, my opinion does matter as does everyone else's, there's no need to be so rude and putting my kind words in inverted commas.

It's so hard isn't it! I was very lonely during the SAHM years. It was a dark time and I'm so glad it's over. I used to chat to random strangers in the supermarket (!), just to have some human contact during the day.

It does get better. You say your DC is at nursery - can you organise playdates with other parents? I used to go early to drop-off and hang around waiting for the others to arrive so I could say hello and get to know them, like some kind of freakish chat vampire.

I'm a sahm and I don't think it suits everyone. When I had one dc at that age I took her to classes daily and other activities like museums amd parks. I think it helped that we are in London so we have access to children's activities in places that are also stimulating for adults (eg British Museum, LSO orchestra, V&A, Tate).
I've never found much need to socialise much with other mums beyond a quick chat at classes and I was kept busy enough focusing on dd and enjoying a book and doing a workout during her naps.

Most of the wealthier mums I know who work, run their own business which gives them some social validation and contact, although they don't need the money. It's usually something creative where they don't need to be every day, they can take long breaks for holidays and a lot of their clients are social contacts that they know already. Something like that may suit as you could choose your clients and hours.

I've never been a SAHM but there are lots at DCs school. I think they have to work very hard at putting themselves out there and meeting other SAHMs but I'd imagine it will get easier when youreldest starts school and your introduced to lots more people. I find often at short classes people are there to spend time with their baby or socialise in established groups. You may have more luck at play groups, soft play or the play park at 3.30.

I hated being at home too. I think it’s absolutely fine to change your mind. You don’t need to go back to your old job, you could find something else you’d like to do instead. I also found being with a baby all day draining and pretty boring. It’s not for everyone. I didnt enjoy classes, did a lot of walks/museums/art galleries but as they start to want to move it makes things a lot harder until they walk properly without a pushchair and you don’t have to hover over them making sure they don’t break things! I also had no family near and friends were at work. It’s tough with no adult conversation during the day.

We did shared parental leave, so I wasn’t even on my own for the full amount of time before I went back to work, but the times I was I hated. I’m probably more on the social/extroverted side, so being in my own company day in day out did not suit me.

I was a sahm when mine were small. I managed the boredom by having plans with friends practically every day. But I suppose I was very lucky to have some amazing sahm friends. I wasn’t in the Uk, but a country with terrible maternity leave and part time provision and no free childcare (US) so the friends I made at baby group hardly ever did go back to work, at least not for the preschool years.

You need a structure to your week. Essentially every day we went out in the morning, home for lunch and nap and then the afternoons were more chilled. If you have money but fewer friends then you need to spend it doing paid activities in order to try and meet some new friends. For me having adults to talk to was the only way to keep myself sane.

We did pay for some childcare from age 2. 2 mornings a week. That also really helped break up the week. I also agree that more children naturally keep you more busy.

I went to a lot of stay and play type set ups. It was much easier to chat with other mums there than at classes. These were also great when no. 2 arrived as DS could go off and play and other mums kept an eye on him while I sat a fed the newborn - and people made you drinks!

Had a group of antenatal-group friends and we met up every so often.

I also tried to get out for a walk every day - again with 2 it was a good way of wearing out the toddler while baby slept in the buggy.

The older one went to pre school a couple of mornings once he turned 3 so I used those mornings for shopping.

I found that becoming a volunteer helped. They were all things to do with my kids, like running a mums and toddlers group, joining the local playgroup committee, etc. I met more people and it gave me purpose without taking up too much of my time.

It's great that you're financially secure - my heart sank when I saw your husband is self-employed, as two of my friends have recently divorced self-employed men who have hidden their income to prevent them getting their fair share and child maintenance. It's ridiculous how easy it is for them to do.

If you don't want to go back to work, could you start some kind of training? Professionalise a hobby, or just do courses that interest you, to meet like-minded people?

There are a few SAHMs at my son's school, but they almost all seem to have some kind of business that they do in a low key way to fit within school hours - hairdressing, nails, life coach (!), that kind of thing. I also have one SAHM friend who has her mum, sister and SIL all living very close by, and they seem to spend all their time together - must be lovely to have that ready-made community. But she also has a child with SEN, which is why she didn't go back to work and his appointments etc take up a lot of time.

I found mat leave quite boring tbh - the days I met up with friends or family were lovely, but days on my own with a teething baby were depressing. I became a bit obsessive about cleaning, I think because my brain needed something else to do. Realistically, we are not solitary animals and people didn't used to spend all day alone - you would be in a small tribe with all the babies and children looked after together. It's actually thought that it was the older women (grandmothers) and young girls (pre-teen/young teen) who looked after the children, while the strong, able-bodied women of child-bearing age would have been busy looking for food or doing other jobs. They wouldn't have been sitting in their hut alone with a baby.

Could you host NCT new mum/postnatal groups at your house? SAHMs did a lot of that where I used to live. Not paid as far as I know.
You could maybe try a WFH business even, Avon or something, if that is still a thing?
Or study something, surely you'll want a job eventually? Join the WI, they meet in the day in some areas? There are lots of things you can do if you don't want to work, but work would be the easiest solution really.

I was the same as you OP. I was a stay at home Mum for 6 years. One DC at school and a baby/toddler when I left ft work. I found it isolating at first and knew I needed ‘more’ but wanted to be at home for the DCs - DH had super stressful job and traveled away a lot so it would’ve been very difficult for me to work around childcare for baby/toddler and 5 year old.

I took baby to all the toddler groups locally and ended up running one with another Mum. Got really involved did loads of fund raising for the group and some local children’s charities. I volunteered one day a week for a charity when youngest DC was at nursery and eldest at school. I also studied with OU for a degree which kick started a new career for me once youngest was 6 and I went back to work ft.

There’s loads you can do. You don’t have to feel isolated. Good luck!