Loneliness of being a stay at home mum

[tinedfish]

I’m a stay-at-home mum to a 1.5-year-old and trying for another baby. This is what I always wanted, and financially it makes sense because my husband earns much more and has an unpredictable, self-employed schedule. I also have some residual income and a pension.

Being a stay-at-home mum is still amazing but it feels different now. Most of my mum friends have gone back to work, so no one is free during the week, and I’m finding it hard to make new mum friends at baby groups. It’s starting to feel quite lonely. Baby goes to nursery twice a week but those days are to cram in anything I can’t do with a feral 1 year old. I’m on peanut and doing lots of baby classes. I’ve also just started going back to the gym when I can. Has anyone else found ways of making sure they don’t get lost In the life of being a stay at home mum. I’m considering a hobby or class. Financially me going back to work isn’t what I want and would work for our family unless I could find child care options for husband’s unpredictable schedule. I also don’t have any family that help or our close by so it’s just me and the baby all day every day unless I go out which I do nearly every day.

Because it's clear that being a SAHM isn't working for her, even if it is what she thought she wanted. She's asking for things she can do to make it less isolating and miserable, when the obvious solution is to stop doing the thing that's making her bored and isolated. No one was designed to stay at home with a baby.

What are you cramming in when your child goes to nursery? If it's cleaning - get a cleaner. Make space for some time during those 2 days to do something for you - daytime class, volunteer, exercise - there's loads out there depending on your interests

Also when mine was that age I found a local park that did parkfit on a Friday morning and buggies / babies were welcome (I still go years later but obvs no baby with me now!). Is there something like that near you?

this is an excellent suggestion

I met mums who I got to know well enough to chat to at groups although I wouldn’t say they were friends. Other than that I saw my friends evenings, weekends or when they had time off work. My partner and I made sure I had time for myself. This gave me a good balance and I really loved that time of my life. I’ve still not gone back to work as I don’t need/want to even though our kids are adults/teens. One of my friends was a SAHM for a while once mine were older and she volunteered one day a week which she enjoyed.

I'm not a SAHM but the best mum friends I made after mat leave were the ones from DS' nursery. It took a while, and a lot of effort putting myself out there at drop off and pickup to say hi to people or strike up convo while we waited for the door to open.

There was also a parent's whatsapp group, so any names DS mentioned I would try to find out who the parents were and whatsapped them, it had mixed results, some people are keen to make friends, some people are less so.

You could also try to find out which kids do the same pattern of days at nursery as yours, so then you have an idea who might also be off work on the same days as you, and invite them over for a playdate.

I have just checked and your kid is only 18m so maybe not talking about other kids too much yet, but mine really started mentioning other people from around 2, so not far off.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I'm surrounded by mothers at home with their children, its wonderful. Don't diss something because it doesnt fit your world view.

I only coped as a SAHM due to several friends and a good routine. It's ok to change your plans if this isn't working out for you OP.

It's only 'wonderful' if it works for you. It's not working for the OP, just as it doesn't work for a lot of people. Do you struggle with theory of mind?

Maybe if you're surrounded by 'mothers at home with their children', you're living in a bit of an echo chamber?

Agreed, I didn't find it at all wonderful!

What are you cramming in when your child goes to nursery? If it's cleaning - get a cleaner. Make space for some time during those 2 days to do something for you - daytime class, volunteer, exercise - there's loads out there depending on your interests

I agree with this. Use the gift of time to benefit yourself. What kind of things do you enjoy? Is there anything you think sounds good but haven't tried before? Traditional adult education classes are hard to come by now but I bet there will be arty/writing/crafty/hobby groups in your area. Do you have a community centre nearby? They could tell you what's available.

It often happens on here for some reason - work isn’t a perfect antidote for loneliness! Depends on your job.

I am not a SAHM but very part time. It does get lonely, especially as DH is often not around in the week. We get out and about a lot but it can be hard. It gets better though, especially at 3/4 when they can have a little chat with you!

Work isn't a 'perfect antidote to loneliness', no, but it means you're not spending all day with a baby, and seeing few other adults, most of whom are at work. And parenting a non-verbal baby is much more fun when it's not 24/7.

I'm glad you've said this. I'm so sick of people thinking that all SAHM aren't financially secure. I have over £250k in savings and investments, my partner has similar. I have a regular income by way of dividends and interest payments. I don't work because I don't have to. I'm not financially vulnerable and so sick of the assumptions made by others.

Not sure why you can’t work - if you want to an if a 9/5 job pay for childcare 8-6 or whatever travel time

as long as it covers your hours then then don’t need to worry about dh as you be there

I don’t want to work right now my husbands hours I currently do all the house stuff on my days off or when baby is in bed and he’s working if I had a job I wouldn’t have any time to myself or time to do home things it also dosnt make financial sense I’d have to pay for nursery and a dog walker. I was thinking of a hobby or maybe volunteering something I can fit in around our family

She doesn’t want to.

I agree I’m very fortunate to be in this position otherwise I would be working with my son in nursery and 30 free hours of child care

Try Meetup loads or events to meet new people with loads of different activities available.

Totally understand you @tinedfishbecoming a SAHM or having a long period of maternity leave is such a huge shift in identity and often means that you lose your social network, sense of self and fulfilment through career. You are you, as well as being a mum. I would recommend some nursery time, allowing you to do some things, perhaps a hobby, a book club or a course.

😂😂😂😂 you're making me laugh out loud 😂😂

Unless she found childcare - that’s what I replied the way I did

Financially me going back to work isn’t what I want and would work for our family unless I could find child care options for husband’s unpredictable schedule

But she doesn't want to!

Again going by what op wrote

unless I could find childcare options etc

if she didn’t want to work why say the above