Life is so frigging lonely. Not sure there’s any solutions, just a bit of a pity party

[greenturquoiseblue]

I have a five year old and a two year old.

I work two days a week. I’m a teacher. I go to work and teach, teach, break (for one of those days I am on break duty so no break) teach, teach, lunch (for one of those days I am on lunch duty so no lunch) then teach.

So the ‘socialising’ at work is basically one thirty five minute lunch and one fifteen minute break a week.

The rest of the time I’m home with my two year old. Obviously we aren’t at home all the time and we do get out and about but while I speak to people in passing it’s very much superficial, which is fine and nice but no lasting friendships.

Most other mums I know either work full time or different days to me.

I have three days with toddler on the trot and by day 3 I am generally feeling a bit down. DH is away in the week so I don’t even get to speak to an adult in the evening, it’s just get children to bed and often go to bed myself.

You may not have mentioned a crèche; others did. To be honest though that’s a really expensive way of going about things - joining a gym I can’t use to use their cafe? And the gyms with cafes and a play area are generally fairly expensive ones and the closest one is a good half an hour away!

You can swim with your kids - seek the positives

Thank you. But in practice I probably wouldn’t make good enough use ot it to justify the cost and you know - when someone says they can’t afford something, it’s best if posters could accept that. A membership at my nearest gym with a cafe and crèche is £72 a month. I don’t have that!

Teacher here. When my kids were that age and part time I found a local book group to join and I did couch to 5k with a running club. If dh couldn't look after the kids because he was out too we used nursery staff. Not sure what your childcare is like for work?

We also built up a network of couple friends by inviting lot of kids and parents when we hosted birthday parties and both spending time talking to other parents and then when we found people we clicked we'd invite them over for a brunch / playdate or bbq or something.

You do not have to do a lunch duty. No teachers have to. I did lunch duties for 5 years because I was told I 'had to'. Then I spoke to my union and they confirmed that no teacher can be required to do a lunch duty. So I put my foot down (which took a lot of courage) and now I don't do any lunch duties!

Sorry you're feeling lonely, you deserve some friends! I also feel lonely amongst the local parents, who all seem to have great networks (I won't call them cliques as no one is intentionally trying to exclude!). It's hard as it's such a densely populated urban area and I'm always seeing people I know by sight but am never going to get to know. I've really tried with people but it's just circumstance and people not thinking outside their circle. DC is an only child so I only meet one set of parents through school, I don't have a preschooler so can't hang out with people in the week, I seem to have chosen the less 'social' school whereas the other one in our area seems very friendly...
Have just muted and archived a local mums' book club chat as I'd go along and just listen to the others talk about the stuff they were doing together outside of it :/
Perhaps the Peanut app would work for meeting other parents with young kids. A friend had good results with it a few years ago. It might feel weird and cringy at first but it's worth persevering.
Also Bumble for Friends just for you, I've met a couple of people I really click with and it's very freeing to be able to meet up with someone completely unconnected to the unsatisfying bubble I live in.

We do unfortunately. Academy trust. I could probably argue it with the union but it would be a long battle and I’d be unlikely to win the war.

I guess like with a lot of lonely threads it’s not so much things to do as a feeling that builds up during the week. Doing anything in the evenings is out: DH isn’t here.

Maybe you need to explore the idea that your DH finds another job where he doesn’t work away all week. There are lots of jobs available. If your mental health is at stake maybe he needs to make a change to support you. If that leads to a drop in income you could get an evening job in a bar or pub - kill two birds with one stone then. Bring in some money while also being social

It's a kind of loneliness which is not much talked about, and I have felt the same. Thank you for writing about it.

Mums are not meant to be on their own like this, and you have no "community", even your work is not providing it.

The only immediate thing I can suggest is making plans at the weekend to at least refil your social cup. And/or join one of the chatty threads on here. Honestly a particular small online community was so important for me when DDs were small.

Longer term it would mean both of you changing your jobs and working patterns. Longer term still it may be less of an issue when the kids are older, but that can feel an awfully long time away.

I don’t think my mental health is at stake: I’m not seriously depressed or suicidal. And to be honest by the time DH has found another job (and it’s not as simple as that) DD will be at school anyway.

Thanks @DeftGoldHedgehog . I think it’s hard as most of the ‘mum friends’ I have from ds … their lives have moved on while I’m still at the toddler group stage!

This is quite a frustrating thread to read OP as you have been given a number of helpful suggestions and have dismissed them. If you want this situation to change, then something has to change, you must acknowledge that.

The phone call thing is very interesting to me. Not so long ago, calling a friend for chat would be a completely normal routine thing to do, whereas sadly now it has become weird. That’s a real shame and not good for people imo. There is absolutely no reason you couldn’t do it other than you feeling a bit uncomfortable about it at first but that is going to be the case for all of these things if you want a change to occur. As a PP said if you are bored and lonely on an evening, why do you assume everyone else is too busy to chat? You have a job and children too but think that everyone else is busier than you.

I can understand these early years can be lonely, life feels like a hamster wheel most days!
If it helps at all, I have grown up children, and they are good friends to me, as are their partners, as my little kids turned into adults I gained these amazing friends that I share so much history and love with, not to mention their great sense of humours.
So you have that to look forward to down the line at least xx

There's surely mums near you who would like a friend. It'll take the weight off.

What are your DHs working hours? He's not there in the daytime or in the evenings?
Why do you feel the toddler group friendships are superficial? I've made wonderful friends at the one I go to who have now formed part of my "village". We socialise together, or on a rainy day someone will offer a playdate and a cuppa at their house. We do bond over the struggles of parenting and opening up emotionally has helped.
This meant me making an effort, being friendly, asking if anyone wanted to meet up and not being upset when they said no (everyone is busy) but asking again. Even as far as saying in your case, I'm lonely. Some of them probably feel the same way.

Been in the same situation but without the work, so 5 days on the trot with the kids and no husband.

Some ideas, but I’ve only read your posts so maybe these have been said;

Most other mums I know either work full time or different days to me. - so you need to meet new people then.

Find a way to do something by yourself. Fri/sat/sun night. Sat morning. Sun morning. Whatever, when DH is home, think of something you would enjoy and is social and do it. From my lens, a choir is amazing for this - loads of socialising, splinter groups, travel etc BUT not for everyone and often not the right age range for a young mum so hopefully you can find something that you would enjoy doing for you that is social (eg not running). Very hard to think of let alone find, hence you’re in the situation you’re in!

Join/start a nursery WhatsApp to arrange play dates with the little one’s friends. Technically not allowed at our nursery but we have one anyway. Someone started it up by grabbing people at drop off/pick up (I never see anyone but somehow she got me one day) and it’s grown, so I’ve been able to get DD’s bestie round for a play and a park trip and her mum is really nice so potential social interaction there.

Similar, my friend created a neighbourhood mums WhatsApp - added a couple of people she did know, everyone was able to add people, and now there’s 100+ mums on a chat.
Sounds absolutely horrendous, yes, BUT your problem is that you’re lonely. This is proving a good way to hear about events, classes, meet ups that otherwise I somehow wouldn’t, and have general day to day chat with others. It’s like a mini mumsnet, lots of people asking parenting and life advice. And it’s not constant drivel. Takes the edge off the isolation.

Online clubs? I’ve joined an album club lately, so like a book club but for music. Again not great as not in person. Art club/course, book clubs…..

Main advice is to know that it’s a phase. When your youngest goes to school you’re gonna have 3 days to do whatever the hell you want (and so you should, make sure you don’t rush to increase your days. Even a year with that set up would be glorious!).

Also know that not everyone has to be an actual friend. Things can keep you ticking over socially for the time being.

Find some kind of activity to do with your 2 year old during the school day. I took mine to parent and child swimming at my local cheap pool. It wasn't run by anyone.as it was just when the pool was made available. I always went at the same time so got to know some of the other mums. It was a bit of an effort to go and swim, change and shower etc. plus the pool was quite grimey. Because it was a bit of an ordeal only about 2 or 3 other mums went, so it was quite easy to chat. Even when I didn't know anyone there, my child got some exercise and we both felt pretty good afterwards. You have to find something and stick to it.

You could get a regular babysitter . It’s a good thing to have anyway in case of emergencies.

I was a SAHM for five years, so lucky in that I was free every day for meet ups/NCT mums group. Other things I did that got us out were mother and toddler, music group and a physical activity for DD. Do you have any family to meet up with? If you've got the money, treat yourself to a coffee out, you won't make any friends but will get to know staff.

When DH is around, see if a friend or colleague wants to go out in the evening. If he's away, invite someone around.

Is your five year old at school. If so, get talking to other Mums on pick, give a note out to them all suggesting a group night out - I still have five Mum friends 19 years after DD started school through a group class night out.

Most churches near me run various parent and child groups. They're usually very cheap and when I went it was pretty much the same people each week. They can range from baby sign language and baby yoga to messy play and the more traditional mums and tots type groups. You don't have to go to church
Also check out your local libraries and community centres for cheap groups. DIL pays as little as £2 for some sessions. Most provide a drink too. She found some fantastic people, some far less so. You don't have to go back if it's not for you.

I don’t think it’s true that ‘most people have work, relationships and children’ only — I mean, so do you, and you want more. I have always worked FT and have a child, and I’ve still always had friends who were important to me, even when DS was small and DH was away for work a lot. I met friends last Saturday for drinks, a friend called by my house after work yesterday for coffee, im going to talk to a geographically distant friend on the phone later, and make plans for a weekend away, I’m going to a gig with a different friend on Sunday night, and a big bunch are coming over for brunch next weekend.

Get a babysitter. I had to do this any time I left the house at night when DH was away.

Can you create a WhatsApp group between friends? . That’s what we did, as we work different days, or have busy lives but it’s way of catching up, so even though we haven’t seen each other for a month maybe, we still keep up with each other this way. Sending the odd message, caching up, funny memes etc. we all dip in and out depending on how busy life is, but we all appreciate having that connection.
I know this doesn’t get you out, but it’s still nice to have.

And I know everyone’s lives are busy, but arrange some catch up with a friends. Be the person who arranges this. Even if it’s in a month’s time, It’s something to look forward to.

It’s difficult with small children, to actually get out and do stuff, I remember those years very well so do sympathise, but maybe your friendship group would love someone to organise something.

Do you have any local friends? Not "mum" friends you've met through kids but good friends of your own from life pre-kids?

I think an online course in the evening would be great for you. Maybe learn a new language or do something you’re interested in: art/history/psychology anything you like really. Something once a week when the children have gone to bed.
I think it’s so easy to think that an inadequate social life is the problem, but actually it just sounds like you’re stressed and not getting enough time to yourself. I started socialising with mum friends and it didn’t make me feel better at all really, I went on a course once a week and I felt like myself again.
As someone up thread has said your children will grow and become good company, so try and remind yourself that this stage is not forever.