Life is so frigging lonely. Not sure there’s any solutions, just a bit of a pity party

[greenturquoiseblue]

I have a five year old and a two year old.

I work two days a week. I’m a teacher. I go to work and teach, teach, break (for one of those days I am on break duty so no break) teach, teach, lunch (for one of those days I am on lunch duty so no lunch) then teach.

So the ‘socialising’ at work is basically one thirty five minute lunch and one fifteen minute break a week.

The rest of the time I’m home with my two year old. Obviously we aren’t at home all the time and we do get out and about but while I speak to people in passing it’s very much superficial, which is fine and nice but no lasting friendships.

Most other mums I know either work full time or different days to me.

I have three days with toddler on the trot and by day 3 I am generally feeling a bit down. DH is away in the week so I don’t even get to speak to an adult in the evening, it’s just get children to bed and often go to bed myself.

Have you got friends you could chat to in the evening? A phone call is much better than a series of WhatsApp messages at making you feel connected.

Honestly no which sounds really sad …. I do have friends but not really anyone I would actually call unless it was an emergency alert or situation.

I get where you’re at.
I’m in a completely different time of life - kids grown up, single, no close siblings, parents dead and a few ‘friends’ but not ones I could chat to in the evening. (What would I chat about anyway?!)
You’ll get lots of advice about ‘give it time for friendships to develop’ or ‘join some clubs’, but you know that those are not the answers.

Do you have family you can reach out to OP? Or how about reaching out to a single mums' network? You might find women in that situation more aligned with you.

Failing that, could you increase your hours at work?

why wouldn’t you call them? If it’s just because you never have then why not start?

I found those years lonely too. I don’t think increasing your hours at work would help. Maybe find some toddler groups you can go to so you can chat to other mums and your little one can play.

I’m not a single mum - I don’t think I’d go down very well!

I don’t have any family. As for not calling n friends … it’s just not really what we do. Maybe that sounds a bit weak but I think if I rang round my friends those who answered would probably do so thinking something was wrong. Most people have work and relationships, children. They don’t have time to be chatting with me and yes … what would I chat about anyway!

Yes we do go to groups thanks. It’s very superficial though. And it’s not always the same people every week.

Increasing hours at work probably wouldn’t help to be honest. And there would be no one to pick up my five year old.

Sorry you are in this situation @greenturquoiseblue I tend to agree with @MagpiePi I was a teacher and a single parent for many years so I understand how you feel. I wasn’t able to socialise with colleagues outside of work very much due to getting childcare. I know you said your husband is away a lot of the time but could you join in with socialising with colleagues after work? I guess that will also depend on the type of school you work in as well. Some have more social gatherings than others. There are a lot of kind people on here who would be happy to chat via MN as well I am sure.

When mine were small like this I joined a David Lloyd type club that has kids classes, a swimming pool, adult classes (although I played tennis)

My dh worked away a lot, the evenings are tough especially in the winter. Even now he works away and I find something on tv that has sunshine in it to get me through the dark months.

We don’t really socialise out of work @MagpiePi apart from Christmas and sometimes an end of year bash in summer.

David Lloyd and other gyms with crèches are good but so expensive.

I think joining some local group things is the solution. Some things where you do something fun together, so: choir, pickle ball, wild swimming, hill walking, tennis, dance whatever appeals to you. Over time, if you choose things you love, you will find good company, and possibly real friendship. You will also have a good laugh. You will need to get regular childcare - but you are worth it.

If one of your DC is 5, then can you start up convos at school pick up, then maybe suggest coming back to yours for coffee and a play date?

I don’t have anyone to have the children @ChikinLikin . I did try to do an exercise class once but I couldn’t because DH just wasn’t around enough.

I’ve tentatively reached out to a few people at the school gates but a lot of them either don’t have a toddler or if they do their workings days don’t align with mine!

If you’re hosting then it doesn’t matter if they don’t have a toddler. I’ve got 3 DC: 5, 3 +1, all my kids are present when I host a play date.

Yeah it is. Life is actually lonely as a parent! I’ve got two teens and it’s lonely but in a different way. Don’t have answers, just have to find a way to cope I think and each new stage will bring different challenges. Life isn’t meant to be easy I don’t think.

What's your eldest interested in? I felt similarly to you although I WFH and am nowhere near the office so can't even socialise for work. I ended up volunteering to help out setting up a Squirrel Scout Unit. It meant my 4 year old was guaranteed a place. Your 2 year old would have to be counted km the ratio numbers but most units are crying out for volunteers, you'd be welcomed for sure. I have great fun in ours and socialise with the adults who are all like minded.

This is going to sound harsh but,

A) why would these people be busier than you? If you’re not busy on a midweek evening then why would they all be?

B) No one calls anyone out of the blue unless some is dead or dying but you can text for a call ahead of time.

C) What do you mean you have nothing to talk about!? I don’t believe that for a second and you should not say such a mean thing about yourself! Everyone is interesting. You teach, you have children, there are two things I know about you and they both sound like interesting topics.

I am not lonely as a parent and I wouldn’t say I have that many close friends but I am always, always looking out for the next play date or call or park trip. I treat it like dating and people say no that’s fine you’ve just got to keep asking.

As you have a 5yo I would say class parties are great as people are always looking for mum friends to chat to and you are likely to see them again and again over this year.

You can do this!

Yes and no.

If you take the kids there after school, have a quick swim with them
then let them play in the climbing frame while you have a coffee
the mums of the kid they are playing with will chat to you.

In time you and the other mums will take turns watching while each of you get to swim / gym
In the summer the kids play in the toddler pool while the mums swim lanes and natter

If you use a DLL more than three days a week it works out cheaper than many other places.

If you are a member you can sign your DH in for supper sometimes.

Ok based on this I want to rejoin DL. That sounds lovely!

We used David Lloyd loads at that age , it’s very sociable and you can sign in friends for free if you’re just having coffee I think

@WannabeMathematician
DLL is expensive. There is no getting away from that
BUT
It comes down to pounds per hour used.

When my kids were small we could go swimming. If they had a hissy fit and we left after ten minutes, so what?
It cost no more to come back the next day.

In holidays they mimiced the Aqua class - with their school friends.
Every club has a lounge area to eat or just chill

when my finances were nadgered for a while it was the LAST thing I gave up

@WannabeMathematician - preparing for work next day, tidying, eating dinner, talking to their partners / husbands? I do realise you’re trying to help but I promise, it would be seen as a bit odd and clingy if I suddenly started calling people just to chat. The last thing I want is to have people retreat in alarm!

I do appreciate the DL/ gym advice, financially it really isn’t an option at the moment and logistically it’s difficult; the nearest gyms with a crèche are the best part of half an hour away, the crèche is open 10-2 as well which is tricky timing wise.

@greenturquoiseblue
I did not mention a creche.
Re read what I said.
Its about chilling in the cafe area of ANY gym and letting your kids play with others and making friends that way.

That’s life unfortunately 🤷🏻‍♀️, things will change when children get older obliviously