How do I get my daughter to stop swearing at me?

[cheeseonitsown]

She is 8 and swears at me all day, tells me to shut up, fuck off, calls me a stupid bitch, idiot, twat.
I do not swear and don’t want this language in my home let alone from a child.
When I tell her not to do something she will ignore means do it anyway or say one of the above phrases, even if I repeatedly tell her to stop doing something she will carry on.
I remove one privilege after another until there’s nothing left and she’s still telling me to fuck off, hit me or kick me and she doesn’t care what I say or try to do.
How do I make her stop?
She’s worn me down so much, I am quiet and softly spoken by nature and have anxiety so I try to be firm and assertive but she’s loud and confident and just walks over me it’s destroying our relationship and being called names and talked to like dirt all day really affects my confidence and I feel so overwhelmed with her right now.

How is she at school? Does she display similar behaviour?

That sounds awful OP.

Where does she learn these words from? Within the house or school? Try to find the route as most 8 year olds don’t speak like this thankfully.

what consequences do you put in place when she does so as she knows you don’t like it

Is her dad in the picture?

No she doesn’t, she’s fine at school.

I would calmly shut her down every time. Do not engage in an argument but clearly tell her consequences of unacceptable behaviour.

Are there times when you are able to have peaceful interactions with her? If so I would outline during a calm moment that her language is upsetting and unacceptable and if it persists the punishment will be whatever it is. I have always made it clear to my children that if they want me to do nice things for them I expect them to be respectful.

What is she like with other adults? What is your set up at home. I think modelling is really important, the adults need to set the tone and model good relationships.

How awful for you. Sadly they pick this language up at school and from there mates, no excuse that’s for sure!!
sadly we are not allowed to discipline our kids like I was by mine……

She doesn’t learn it from me or her dad and I have tried all the consequences I can think off, taking her switch, taking her toys, withholding pocket money, not going to places she wanted, not having a friend round, no tv, nothing works she carries on until I’ve exhausted all ideas and then still carries on when there’s nothing left so I’m saying that’s another day without your switch and she’ll say fuck off so it’s another day and 10 mins she’s still saying it and I don’t have anything else to use as a consequence.

Just ignore and walk away. If she follows you still ignore.

How does she speak to her dad and how does he react if she is defiant and swears?

Can you make punishments smaller scale? So iPad taken away for one hour for example? I said to dd she could have it taken away for one hour and a walk with me in that time or two hours with no walk. Made sure she talked to me. 😬🤣

Has she autism?? Masking and being good all day in school then letting it all out when she gets home?

Have you tried the broken record approach. Just say the same phrase “I won’t listen to you when you talk to me like that” and tjen walking away from her.

Have you tried the broken record approach. Just say the same phrase “I won’t listen to you when you talk to me like that” and tjen walking away from her.

Sorry to hear.
my autistic fine at school child swears at us and is abusive to us. absolutely not modelling behaviour from us!

its horrendous, watching for any tips. Full time job enforcing boundaries and consequences as they would just add up and up.

other dc has never sworn in front of us.

That’s quite extreme for an 8YO. But what about flipping it round where she can earn the Switch in the evening, or a friend round of Friday for good behaviour? And if she starts with the awful language then just walk away and don’t engage.

I had this problem with one of mine when they were 12 and then the younger sibling started copying. We tried all sorts of things to no avail, but in the end a simple sending to their room for 10 minutes every time they did it stopped them eventually, it worked better than bigger punishments tried because we could be consistent with it and didn't have to think of a punishment every time. Thankfully they did go up to their room every time even if it took a lot of persuasion at first, they soon learned just to go and get it over with, but I suppose if they had refused to go I would have turned off the WiFi/removed TV remote and made them stay in the room they were in on their own for 10 minutes instead.

@cheeseonitsown we have been there with one of our sons when he was around 9, and it is soul destroying. We tried everything you have to no avail. Then one day, my husband said, our dogs are well behaved because as pups , if they were jumping or play biting, we turned our backs on them. I was totally horrified that he was comparing our son to our DOGS!! but you know what, it worked. Every time he swore at one of us, we would turn our back and walk away , not give him the attention that he wanted from us, if he followed us we ignored. When he did something like getting a good test result, picking up his mess, just being nice, he was hugged and told how proud we were of him. I am not going to lie, it took MONTHS but gradually the sweet boy came back. I hope you also find your way thru it. He is in his thirties now and a lovely man.

It’s only a matter of time before she says it to the wrong person.

I didn’t want to mention that because I don’t know, we are waiting for an assessment so she could have but I can’t say for sure yet, in the meantime we have completely lost control of her and I think she knows this but she’s so strong willed I’m struggling to find the energy for her constant power struggles.

Is she an only child? ( if not find time away from your others) If so sit her down and use shock tactics when she’s calm. Write down all the swear words and nasty comments and ask which she thinks are OK to use either at home or school. You could add others in ( not offensive or some compliments)
Explain that it’s OK to get cross or angry but not OK to ever use those words.
Suggest other strategies e.g.counting to 10 in her head, clenching and unclenching fists, deep breathing.
I’d write the words on a chart or in a note book and each time she uses one just don’t react but calmly put a tick against it. Make sure she’s aware of consequences and have a strategy in place and stick to it e.g. 5 minutes off screen time or tv for each time.
This way you can monitor any improvement/ reduction in negative words towards you.
Alongside this you could have some positive reward system in place.
It’s possible she could be masking or just be tired and stressed after school. You could try speaking to the senco as they may be able to work on managing anger/ emotional regulation in school.

Could she be neuro diverse? I ask because I know a kid just like this. Fine at school but as soon as gets out to a safe space ie home with you her picking family then it all has to come out.

That’s a good idea, I will try that. I will try anything right now. I should have thought of that before because she does it to me but I think it would just be a game for her of me saying that and her saying shut up and fuck off, until she’s has enough and hits me.

Carrot is better than stick. So give things she really likes for behaving as you want her to, rather than taking away. Also don't forget the power of no response. The more you plead, explain, get cross or whatever, the less power you have. Simply ignore or walk away or say the same thing on repeat (e.g I can't talk to you unless you're polite to me. )

It also sounds like she needs some support around her emotional regulation. I would ask for a meeting with her teacher and the SENCO to see if they can help in her school with it. There is also a workbook called my hidden chimp which is good. If she is getting on better with her Dad then it would be better for him to do it with her.

I really wish something like this would work but I’ve tried it and she would refuse point blank to go to her room and not back down.