How do I get my daughter to stop swearing at me?

[cheeseonitsown]

She is 8 and swears at me all day, tells me to shut up, fuck off, calls me a stupid bitch, idiot, twat.
I do not swear and don’t want this language in my home let alone from a child.
When I tell her not to do something she will ignore means do it anyway or say one of the above phrases, even if I repeatedly tell her to stop doing something she will carry on.
I remove one privilege after another until there’s nothing left and she’s still telling me to fuck off, hit me or kick me and she doesn’t care what I say or try to do.
How do I make her stop?
She’s worn me down so much, I am quiet and softly spoken by nature and have anxiety so I try to be firm and assertive but she’s loud and confident and just walks over me it’s destroying our relationship and being called names and talked to like dirt all day really affects my confidence and I feel so overwhelmed with her right now.

How do you engage with her when she’s being good? I’ve found with my 8 year old that it’s important to override my own feelings and welcome her ‘back’ when she starts to cooperate. For example, if you are repeatedly asking a child to come to the table, and then when they come, you say ‘Finally’ in an annoyed voice, you don’t reward the eventual good behaviour and put up a barrier to getting back on the ‘good’ path. I would also engage with her warmly before she starts with this behaviour.
Perhaps she isn’t old enough to have things like a Switch?
I wouldn’t read anything in to her knowing the words. All you need is one classmate with an older sibling and everyone knows them.

She’s 8. It’s a power play. DC need boundaries and parents. She’s testing you. Ugh, but they do.

Deep down DD is terrified cos you’re letting her win.

Put her in her room. Yep, simply transfer the body. Ignore for some time - repeat ‘I don’t hear a nasty mouth’ and do something else.

Disengagement is the key, so put your back into it. It will be awful - she’ll get the fireworks out to attract you, you’ll be busy reading a book or similar. Withdraw. Be calm (fake it, you won’t be remotely chilled). Refuse everything except food.

Fake your calm, but don’t ignore your feelings - they’re spot on.

My parents sat me down and told me what all the swear words actually meant when I started using them at the end of primary.

I was so embarrassed and shocked that I really didn't use them again. Especially the word bugger I found very uncomfortable to listen to its real meaning.

Have you tried explaining what the words mean when things are calm?

Maybe give her alternative words to use when she's feeling cross and angry.

The feelings themselves are another issue - it takes time to learn how to better handle rage and disappointment. However, it's the words being used which seem to be the most offensive to you here.

It’s not really the swearing as such that’s the issue (although obviously not ideal). It’s the anger and attitude towards you, that needs to be gotten to the bottom of and dealt with.
have you tried talking when both happy and calm about how much you love her and what you like about her. Talk about how her anger and nastiness towards you makes you feel. And ask her why she feels angry towards you and what you can both do together to sort that out.

This is good advice. I've got an AuDHD child (also PDA but this tends to come out when she is dysregulated for various reasons) and we had the swearing issue but mainly triggered by the transition to secondary school. It is perhaps unusual at 8 and I would wonder what company she's keeping. DD was kind of thrilled, as many are, to encounter all these new rude words at 11, having not been really aware of them previously.

DH and I had some success with a swear box. DD is very financially motivated and smart enough to realise that she'd be putting a lot more money in than the two of us! So we never actually had to do it - but if you do institute a swear box then you have to agree what counts as a swear, so that would trigger the kind of matter of fact discussion @snowwaysnowhow suggests.

DD certainly has control of it as she wishes. My elderly mum would probably spontaneously combust or something if she even heard even a very mild swear from DD, and DD is quite capable of entirely clean language for whole days at her GPs.