How can I work?

[littlemousebigcheese]

Not sure what I’m after here, just need a rant. My daughter is autistic and has significant needs. She can’t use breakfast or after school club so my working hours are limited. In addition, anything like swimming lessons through school requires me to support. 6 or 7 afternoons a term so not huge but something that needs to be considered because if it’s not swimming, it’s something else where I’m expected to be at the school to help. I’ve also been called to collect her several times when she’s not able to continue the day or had to keep her home. I’m not complaining about HER, I love her to death and although it’s exhausting and hard I wouldn’t change her. BUT.
i would love a job or career. Im qualified to Masters level but i just do not see how i can get a job? Or what job i can even do. My husband is very supportive and does more than his fair share but is a higher earner so works 9-6 mon - Fri so that also hinders a bit as I have to do school runs morning and afternoon. I basically need a job that lets me dip in and out if needed, 9.30 - 3 max? It seems like it should be easy as there should be positions available to parents who have children with needs but no. I just want to cry really as I want something for me, I want to feel purposeful and useful and more than I currently am but it’s so hard!

If it’s just to get out the house and do something useful then perhaps explore volunteering opportunities. You can do really important and invaluable work for a charity that would give you good experience for future employment opportunities once your daughter is older and less dependent on you. As a volunteer you have freedom as they’ll be grateful for whatever you can offer.

Can dd go to a specialist school who can cater for all her needs during school hours? Then you could look for a local job or wfh. Me and many SEN mums from ds school work some of us full time. Happy to PM pointers if it helps?

As other previous posters have said, you could set up your own business - e.g. helping the elderly with driving to appts, meals or a cleaning business, or a catering business you could eventually employ other people.

@2x4greenbrickyes she has seen an OT, she wears ear defenders and has staggered lunch to avoid noisy hall. She is in a quiet room during transition periods and enters and exits through reception to avoid noisy pathways and chaotic bits! She doesn’t have SALT but does have social skills interventions and her EHCP does focus on emotional regulation

@Helplessandheartbrokeno, for several reasons she can’t go to a specialist setting x

We are a fully remote charity and have an SEN mum who does reduced hours and just makes it work, she did a stretch as a TA then wanted out, we're education focused which bridged her skills somewhat. Not sure if it's an option.

I have an adult autistic DS and when he was at school I knew a lot of mums with other autistic dcs. It was common for one parent to not work - those who did often worked in the public/charity sector which tends to be more flexible. A few worked for the council, some in education, one worked for her DH's company.

Personally I was quite content not to work in the school years as I didn't want to juggle another role and I liked having the school hours to myself. With autistic dc you don't really get a break once they're home from school so can't fit in exercise, appointments for yourself, hobbies etc if you fill all the school hours with work and I saw a lot of parents burnt out by it. I was able to keep my mind active with studying and gained financial security by learning how to invest so that worked for me.

i agree with discussing this in the review. She clearly needs to be 2:1 at times for safeguarding

what is your specialism? Consider 1:1 tuition with home educators either in your home or in their home. Get your own DBS check and look on your city’s home ed Facebook group. There will be some children who cannot access education because of anxiety or health. When people enquire you could explain that your DD has SEN so will likely need to help out at times. Flexibility can work both ways however.

Also contact your local hospital education team and ask if you can volunteer with some flexibility

@littlemousebigcheese community manager. Often can be remote and flexible. Or developer relations if you're technical (even a little bit).

It's fine to not want a nanny.

Unless you have a simply enormous mortgage/other debts though, you can afford one. You net off what they cost against what you earn. I employed one part time through Koru a while back (they had quite a few with SEN experience). Our disposable income is much lower than yours. Friends who are doctors x 2 and financial services x 2 have employed them. A pair of corporate lawyers who are son/DIL of a friend employ two in shifts!. Even a beautician acquaintance employed one (the kind of beauty people pay heaps for in Chelsea, admittedly).

But you have to "replace yourself" to an extent if you want to work or even concentrate on e.g. writing a book or doing a Masters or whatever.

Bit random but if you want to feel useful in the world, what about school careers work? There's a qualification you can do. I know a few people who do it and it's hard work but they all find helping young people in that way super rewarding.

However I also agreed with the poster who said to use the daytimes to take care of yourself.

It could also be handy as your DD moves to secondary stage to gain insight into more inclusive aettings and pathways. What are your thoughts about that?

School kitchen? Most will start and finish after and before school ends. If you need the holidays off the school work might be your only option

@littlemousebigcheese Just here for a solidarity fist bump. I am in exactly the same situation. It is so frustrating. So far I have done a PhD part time which actually worked pretty well as hours are very flexible and you can get a loan and the stipend doesn't count as earnings so if you are lab based you can still claim carers allowance. Just finishing this and I am planning to do freelance painting and decorating next or maybe those energy efficiency assessments that people need when they move house. I think a self employed well paid thing would probably work best but that is obviously easier said than done. Would any of the building trade typed stuff suit you?

I can’t comment from experience of having a SEN child but at various points at home with young children I needed to either work or exercise my brain… I worked evenings (so DH home) 6-11pm, trained and then facilitated antenatal classes (again evenings and some weekends, so no childcare required). Maybe look at becoming a Trustee as well - a bit of something to stimulate the brain but not an overcommitment at this point. Or you could study something? OU? Things will ebb and change as your DD gets older and then other options may appear in terms of work…

@littlemousebigcheese We can’t afford a nanny

Putting all the issues of your dad's additional needs aside (which is hard to separate, but you said this is two issues really) -

Your DH earns £180000 a year. You're not paying for private school. Your working could contribute £40-50k on top. On a gross income of £230k of course you can afford a nanny. Not saying that finding a good one will be cheap, or easy, but your joint income would be almost 10 times mine.

What an appalling suggestion!!!!
She can afford to stay home -she already does but she wants to find a purposeful job -and good on her for that!!! Thankfully not everyone is looking for a reason not to work.

I am in the same situation, my DS is in mainstream primary, has a 1:1 and EHCP. We are unable to use breakfast or after school clubs and have no family help. I’m also asked to go on school trips to provide support to him and free his 1:1 up to help the other children. I work in the Civil Service 09:30-14:30 every day and with flexible working, flexi leave and annual leave, it works out okay. For the summer holidays, we aren’t able to use holiday clubs and have found taking fixed days per week, rather than whole weeks covers them better. For example, I take every Tuesday and Wednesday off and DH every Thursday and Friday. Doing that and some working at home has worked for us.

Doing a PhD could be a great option. Lots of flexibility, interesting, and it will give you increased prospects to look forward to.

Its very challenging.
I dont know your background but woukd charity governance work? A lot only want part time, you can do much of it from home and then meetings tend to be in the evening when you DH would be home.

We also employed a nanny/housekeeper for a while which was brilliant so that might be worth considering. She did cleaning, cooked dinner and did the school run two days a week so I could do normal length days at work. The council part funded it for the hours when I was at work (although it was only about £3.50 an hour). Having a pa for your child is another similar option.

Hi, OP - I went through similar with my ASD DS's primary school about 20 years ago. Because I was a SAHM, they expected me to drop everything and dash in to "support" him whenever anything went wrong, even though he had a one-to-one LSA.

The crunch came in Year 5 when they announced they couldn't possibly take him on the class trip to London by coach because he'd be "unsettled" (i.e. travel-sick) and would need one-to-one support...y'know, which they already employed an LSA to give. I pushed back and after a consultation with the head (who was a micro-managing arse) the SENCo wrote to me and said that as a very special dispensation, they'd take him along provided I accompanied and supported him.

I wrote back saying I'd be delighted to do that, and my hourly fee would be 2 x whatever the National Minimum Wage was at that point.

It was an all-day trip and estimated to cover 8 hours. All of a sudden, a TA was available after all to give him one-to-one support.

Really?! She’s going to find a job 4 hours a day not including the holidays and will be understanding if she needs the day off because school need her to come in and also when the child is sick?! She is the main carer as her husband is the bread winner. All people including rich people can claim for disability and carers allowance! It might enable her to find a babysitter one day over the weekend to go and do something for herself like study, join a hobby group or volunteer somewhere.

You could look at civil service options.. i manage staff that work term time and have carers passports in place which afford them the flexibility to dip in and out as required. Core hours are 10 - 3, you can take up to 2 hours for lunch within that and work the rest of your hours in a way that works for you. I also know of very senior managers who do this also, albeit there is less flexibility with some roles. Some really interesting jobs around.

I know he’s the higher earner, but him not helping is preventing any possibility of you being the higher earner one day.
Your DH should take on some of the load, regardless of how much he earns. Has he requested flexible working, or working a condensed week/fortnight for example. And if not, why not?

I would recommend finding something self employed if at all possible. Universal credit will top up your income if your child's needs are high and you are in receipt of dla if you cannot earn much one week but when things are less rocky then you will be able to earn more. Sorry just edited, I see you have a partner who is high earner. So UC probably not relevant. I still recommend self employment but alongside that get your partner to do his share.