How can I work?

[littlemousebigcheese]

Not sure what I’m after here, just need a rant. My daughter is autistic and has significant needs. She can’t use breakfast or after school club so my working hours are limited. In addition, anything like swimming lessons through school requires me to support. 6 or 7 afternoons a term so not huge but something that needs to be considered because if it’s not swimming, it’s something else where I’m expected to be at the school to help. I’ve also been called to collect her several times when she’s not able to continue the day or had to keep her home. I’m not complaining about HER, I love her to death and although it’s exhausting and hard I wouldn’t change her. BUT.
i would love a job or career. Im qualified to Masters level but i just do not see how i can get a job? Or what job i can even do. My husband is very supportive and does more than his fair share but is a higher earner so works 9-6 mon - Fri so that also hinders a bit as I have to do school runs morning and afternoon. I basically need a job that lets me dip in and out if needed, 9.30 - 3 max? It seems like it should be easy as there should be positions available to parents who have children with needs but no. I just want to cry really as I want something for me, I want to feel purposeful and useful and more than I currently am but it’s so hard!

A part time morning only job? volunteering if you do not need money but just want to feel its helping others? I totally understand as I also can not work, 2 kids with autism.

@fishtank12345thank you for understanding! It is relentless isn’t it? I’ve looked into volunteering but could try harder with it as I got a few ‘thank you but we’re not looking’ responses and gave up. I’m very fortunate that I don’t need money but would like to earn a bit if possible

Volunteer in your dds school? Often the way into ta roles( if there are any)

Excuse my ignorance, but why are you needed at swimming lessons? Is she at a special school. I would have thought if she is in the correct school, then the staff/support staff should be helping her and not relying on a parent each time? Again, apologies if this isn't the norm.

IF you get a job, would DH be able to support DD during school hours rather than it ALL falling on you? What was your masters in- or what area do you have experience in? Any hobbies you could do in your own time as a side line or potentially expand? MIL volunteers at a luncheon club for older people which is 2-3hrs during the day. Maybe a volunteering role to get you out and about more?

I really don’t want to be a TA. Think they are amazing and incredible but I was SLT before so it would be too hard.
with swimming lessons, I’m needed to support her to and from the class and I have to stay in case she needs me. It’s because she can be tricky on roads and get overwhelmed and be a danger to herself. She does have TA support and an EHCP but the school said I either helped or she couldn’t attend.

DH is brilliant, does so much to help especially in the mornings which can be challenging but ultimately he’s locked in 9 - 5. He can help in an emergency but couldn’t do school pick up for example or watch them after school.

Have you tried anything within the NHS? I currently work in admin doing 9-3 Monday - Friday with one of the days from home.

This needs to be addressed at your daughter's next Annual Review.

If school can't/won't support your dd at swimming lessons then they or you need to request provision be increased to cover the swimming lessons.

I waa in your situation and I now work as a self employed SEND advisor, I specialise in SENDIST.

I think you should ask for an early annual review and attempt to find a setting that can support her needs without resorting to dragging you in as free labour!.

In terms of work though, it'd have to be something freelance or something like evening work (tutoring, supermarket? My retired friend - an HR specialist - does a couple of evening shifts at Waitrose).

is she not entitled to a 121 op?

School shouldn't be calling you in or sending her home randomly (sounds like unlawful exclusion?)

I think they might find themselves on the wrong side of DDA legislation there! It definitely isn’t right to be calling you in to function as unpaid staff and threatening to prevent her taking part if you don’t.

Get that sorted, so you’ve got at least a clear school day.

Any education-allied jobs going at your local council offices?

I completely understand what you’re saying about the school but she is happy and settled and the SENCO is amazing and I’m happy to support her in these little ways if it makes everything easier all round. I’ve fought for more TA support and despite funding, there just aren’t enough TAs to go around as it is a need heavy school. In class she has a 1-1 but on trips and events taking place outside of the school such as swimming lessons, sports events etc I really don’t mind being there. They did try once without me and it was awful so I guess it’s mutual choice to have me support.

I feel this. My dd has severe physical and neuro disabilities. There is no one who could have her outside of school, no one who can help during school holidays and we have hospital appointments most weeks. I can't work, and I'd love to. My brain is turning to mush. Deep down inside me is an intelligent articulate woman who could contribute something. I love my dd, so so much. But I didn't imagine that 12 years after having her I would still be knee deep in sleepless nights and nappies.

Why does your dh job take priority?

It is a huge mental twist to make the lower earner a priority but assuming you would still have sufficient income, why not?

why are you the only one sacrificing your career?
Your husband can go down to part time, and you work part time. That way you both have the joy of work, and the responsibility of your DD.

My husband earns 180,000 a year plus bonuses, of course his job takes priority as we need it to pay the mortgage and bills. Even if I worked full time in a field I’m specialised in, best case would be £40-50000 a year which wouldn’t be enough and that’s hoping I went straight into a similar position I left despite having years out of the workforce.
I do agree that I have had to sacrifice my career/myself but ultimately one of us had to and being pragmatic we chose the option that leaves us financially better off.

Oh my god @GinGeniei hadn’t even considered the holidays but yes. I would need a job that allowed me random time off, only school hours and term time only 😂😭 it’s so hard! A lot of people suggest working in a school but that’s not great as even if I could be a TA, I wouldn’t finish early enough to get to school pick up!

Can you claim disability benefits and carers allowance? This would help you to stay at home to be there for her. This is what my neighbour does and is always there for her severely autistic son.

The decision to call you is likely somewhat affected by the fact that you don't work, and presumably can drive and get her. If you were working there would likely be a slightly higher bar to calling you in. No one wants her distressed but these decisions are a judgement call, and the pros and cons weigh up slightly differently when they know it could impact your work.

Another option on the swimming might be to say no to supporting it at school and see what happens. They might find someone after all, especially if you have a cast iron reason like a job (though you shouldn't need to). If not you could look into private lessons outside school which would probably work out cheaper than you not working. I take your point though that it's not just swimming, that was just an example.

Do you know that your daughter definitely wouldn’t cope in holiday club? We tried lots of different ones but found an amazing one. My DD also has an EHCP. The holiday club is 8-6 and the staff are all TA’s, they’re amazing with her. Don’t write off jobs which involve working the holidays just yet.

What are you qualified in? Is there anything you could do as a side business? I publish books on Amazon using KDP and make a little fun money that way.

Your husband is an extremely high earner. Surely with patience it would be possible to find and train a nanny? Try Koru Kids.

I usually hate those posts where someone asks a question then rejects or rubbishes every suggestion made so I’m really sorry if that seems to be the case here. I really appreciate every comment and idea ♥️ we did try some summer options; a few say no outright but one run by a church agreed. She did 5 mornings and enjoyed it but they said they couldn’t take the following year. We also paid a fortune for a specialist sen camp but she managed 2 days.
I like the idea of self publishing books!!

@Voundcompletely agree that I’m called because I’m here and available. We did try one activity without me once and it went terribly. She ran into a road and it was horrible. That’s when they started asking and obviously I don’t want to be worrying about her so it was easier to agree and be an extra pair of hands.