Decluttering - how can I make it feel less sad?

[Darker]

Prompted by putting away the Christmas stuff and chucking out stuff I don’t use any more. But I have the same feeling every time I try to get on top of the ‘stuff’. Crippling feelings of grief.

I could understand if it was stuff that belonged to people who had recently died or stuff with sentimental significance but it’s not really that. I just want to clear stuff out but I find it so emotionally exhausting.

Kids are grown up and left home but not really settled yet. I think to some extent I’m hung up on not chucking stuff ‘in case’ they want it later. I have not been very successful in getting them to help sort things out, but that’s definitely only part of the problem.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do I make it less painful?

I’m not going to be much help but joining as feel your pain and would love some tips.

I have a box from my lovely late friend. Like a grandmother to me, an elderly spinster. Full of her parents certificates and documents. Do I just destroy them?

I don’t want my artwork age five. But I keep my children’s.

little souvenirs from the years. Where do thy go.

it’s all so hard. Everything holds a story but nobody wants to hear them.

And then. Lego.

my daughter is like I was with Lego. So careful and gentle.

my mum binned mine. But it would now be so loved.

gah 😩

Ah, I imagine this feels so tough. I think people are just wired differently in terms of how they feel about “stuff”. I don’t really place much sentimental value on possessions, and I hate mess and clutter, so I’m quite ruthless and able to get rid of anything. My husband is not like this and really struggles with my callous approach! Be gentle with yourself.

Perhaps if it feels overwhelming, you could try and approach one small job at a time? One drawer or one shelf might feel less daunting than trying to do a whole room or the whole house? Try and pass things on or sell anything you can on eBay/vinted as the extra cash or thought of things getting a new lease of life could help?

One solution that I have seen is to frame the documents as a sort of montage, especially if you can find some relevant photos.

Also, I think that if you put the documents onto Etsy or similar, people would want them for journaling and similar type activities. Takes a bit of effort but at least they’d find a home. People collect much stranger things

My house is full of interesting items, I buy a lot and struggle to get rid of anything. My childhood was full of love but quite chaotic, my parents moved regularly for my father’s job, and I was never consulted on what was kept. I miss so many things from my childhood.

I also have a late diagnosis of ADHD and I know I get a dopamine buzz from buying things, so a terrible combination.
I find getting rid of items incredibly sad, to the point of almost being paralysed when trying to do so, so no help to you, other than letting you know you are not alone.

I had a horrible patch of being frozen and unable to decide on anything after taking in my mum’s stuff when she had to go into a nursing home - I was still grieving my husband’s death and my dad’s death as well.

What helped was unexpected. Two friends came round and helped clear and sort my desk, which was barely usable and covered in boxes. At the end was a beautiful comfortable clear desk with stationery all sorted and ready to use. They actually took some of the stuff away with them to donate so it was out of the house. I hadn’t thought about the reward I would get as a result of the process. Might be worth thinking about that.

There’s a great YouTube channel called the space saver method that might be helpful if you want to declutter and I think she also has a book.

I think I want to have someone to share the decision making with. I find clearing things out an extremely lonely job. And there is something lurking around feeling guilty for ‘wasting’ things. I like to give stuff to charity shops if I can, rather than just throwing away. I try to preempt all of this by not buying stuff I don’t need and asking my kids not to buy me tat for birthdays etc - I’d rather they took me out for a coffee than buy so thing I’ll later agonise over.

@pteromum we have STACKS of Lego. I have kept all my childhood stuff and bought my kids loads over the years. I definitely won’t just throw it out!
The document stuff is hard, though. I have a box of old birth, death and marriage certificates and wills etc from family. It feels wrong to just throw them away. And I have actually had to dig stuff out for various reasons so I’m hanging on to it for now.

Realise it’s the people and not the objects and all the memories are them not the actual item.

Thank you… I think having a friend to help sort would be perfect. I have helped a couple of friends in the same way.

I think there is something about choosing what to keep rather than what to throw away…

Keep and display key items, eg material from sentimental clothing transformed into a patchwork throw to have out in the your lounge/on your bed.

Photograph things and print the photos.

I had to clear a 4 bed house and a 5 bed house when family died or went into a care home...for few years my lounge was totally full of stuff...I would open the door and just close it as over whelming. I found a small brown leather suitcase and just kept small items that would fit in the case. the rest i sold or donated. took a few months. I had a big garden sale and put ads out to shift stuff fast.

Also, pass things on to someone you know so they are in another home nearby initially. Or donate to charities which really mean something to you and your family.

Finding a good home for things helps a lot. No one wants treasured items going to the tip.
The bottom line is you will be happier without so many possessions, they keep you looking back (perhaps with regret that those times have passed).

Sometimes I can get rid of stuff so easily, other days it's impossible. So I seize the days I can do it to get rid of a bagful to the charity shop - it has to go the same day if possible before I change my mind.

My kids find it hard too. With my son, I used to send him a photo of just four items at a time and ask if he still wanted them, then dispose of them accordingly. He even kept old boxes so it took up so much space.

I read something a few years ago about getting rid of 3 things a day. It might only be a pen, or might be something big. I kept it up for a few months and it was good.

Art etc was photographed before binning.

In terms of kids stuff, my Mum was quite brutal - "these are boxes of your stuff. Take it away or I'm binning". It worked in getting me to deal with it.

@Jellybean23 I agree with this:

The bottom line is you will be happier without so many possessions, they keep you looking back (perhaps with regret that those times have passed).

I wish I understood why I feel so sad. Going through stuff seems to stir up a deep grief. I know I will feel better if I get rid.

I did well today. I threw out some homemade Christmas decorations and I was actually fine with it. I picked out a few bits that the kids made when they were little and put them in a small bag which they will eventually find when they clear my things, but I won’t have to rifle through it all next year.

@Hohumdedum I really need to get my kids on to it. They have loads of stuff here. I don’t mind storing things they want to keep but a lot is just sitting there because I feel I can’t dispose of things without permission.

I stand with you and find it all so tough. I sometimes regret some things I have got rid of like DD s cute little top from when she was born, I went back to the charity shop and got it back.

I hate the thought of my kids having to go through my stuff so I will use that to try and spure me on.

I am 50th this year so maybe another push to get things clearer. It's only me and adult DD and we have 4 rooms so how hard can it be.

Mumsnet has a really good housekeeping sub-forum with a few great decluttering threads. Posting your progress is great for accountability, and keeping momentum.

I also like to watch decluttering TV shows to get me into the groove before tackling things, there’s Marie Kondo on Netflix and Sort your life out on the BBC iplayer.

My DH kept newspaper cuttings for years which he used as examples in his work as a lecturer. He kept these files and files in a huge cupboard in his work office. When he retired and bought this stuff home I discovered he had kept everything that our 4 children ever produced plus reports newspaper articles related to them etc. we now only have 4 box files one for each child! Wish they’d blooming take them home with them!!

I hear you OP. I struggled letting things go when I moved house a couple of years ago and I'm back to trying to declutter again as I need to move to a smaller house.

Like a pp I've also gone out and bought replicas of items I'd previously let go such as childhood books and certain ornaments. The thing is I actually want less stuff!!

I think I would cope better if I was prepping for a move. It would make the clearout feel more purposeful. I do want to downsize but circumstances make it difficult for me to do that right now.

Following for tips

Maybe think of the altruism aspect eg a family on a low income appreciating a box of Lego, or a charity shop selling clothes and ornaments to support their work.