Decluttering - how can I make it feel less sad?

[Darker]

Prompted by putting away the Christmas stuff and chucking out stuff I don’t use any more. But I have the same feeling every time I try to get on top of the ‘stuff’. Crippling feelings of grief.

I could understand if it was stuff that belonged to people who had recently died or stuff with sentimental significance but it’s not really that. I just want to clear stuff out but I find it so emotionally exhausting.

Kids are grown up and left home but not really settled yet. I think to some extent I’m hung up on not chucking stuff ‘in case’ they want it later. I have not been very successful in getting them to help sort things out, but that’s definitely only part of the problem.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do I make it less painful?

Good suggestion @HouseHouseHouse7 . I am always happy to donate useful stuff…coats etc.

But what do I do with old duvets? I have managed to chuck some old cheap duvet covers. It’s the ‘serviceable but not wanted’ stuff I struggle with.

And ornaments.

I have managed to throw out a bong I bought in Thailand in my youth. I am never going to use it again. It’s very pretty but doesn’t bring me any joy.

An empty house full of styled decor made me sad. Now I have my books and postcards and things. Its not dirty but I do have stuff.

Dog shelters, like dogs trust often take old duvets.

Im a ruthless chucker, if it hasn’t been used in 12 months it goes. I have a very small amount of sentimental stuff.

I moved a lot as a child and think I’ve got used to keeping things ready to go. My mother and sister are borderline hoarders though. My mum constantly brings me stuff she’s found in her house. I usually donate it to charity.

I actually feel good getting rid of stuff. I hate clutter. Honestly the only thing stopping me literally binning stuff is the environmental impact.

I held on to 1980s space Lego for a couple of decades in anticipation of passing it on to the children that I anticipated having. I never got to have them in the end (didn’t meet anyone in time) and every now and again I’d come across this huge load of Lego in the back of a cupboard that made me sad whenever I looked at it. Completely by chance I found out that there was a local Lego club, so I washed it all in the bath, and donated it. They were over the moon, and it made me really happy that there was another generation playing with it. The organiser told me that the club had a lot of kids who couldn’t afford a lot of Lego so donations made it possible for them to create really big things like dinosaurs or space cities.

I don't know! I was brought up to keep anything and everything as it might come in useful and would be a waste to throw and buy again if you need it at some point in the future.
But we have so much stuff that nobody wants. I drove around all the charity shops recently, none will take toys. Neither will the hospital, neither will the local children's home. Same with books. Nobody wants standard paperbacks, those free bookshelves near us are stuffed to overflowing.

we are moving soon, into a house with less storage and I'm dreading having to declutter.

@HibbityHobbityWho honestly - you need Father Skipmas to visit. Nobody regrets getting a skip.

I am similar, I feel a bit better if it can be passed on or be useful to somebody else..that makes it easier. Or donating to charity shops, as yourself if it is something you are going to use or if it will still be sat there this time next year? Yes some things are useful to keep but it's not really feasible to keep every single item you buy for the rest of your life, you'd probably be living amongst a lot of clutter! Maybe try to decanter one room at a time? X

Skips are great. I got myself one for Christmas last year!

Think 20 or 30 years ahead. Lego will keep nicely, most other toys won't. Unless you have wardrobes of handcrafted or designer clothes, let them go. No-one is going to put their baby in a 20 year old outfit from Next.

Edit slowly, leave hard stuff and come back to it regularly to review.

Marie Kondo has a little ritual where you thank the item for the role it has played in your life.

Maybe it will also be good to imagine the joy the new owner gets from it if you are selling/donating.

weirdly I did that with the bong. I couldn’t give it to anyone else but it represented a me that existed a very long time ago. I never got into drugs of any sort beyond a little experimentation. So I thanked it for the reminder of a time long past and a route never taken and put it in the bin.

Decluttering is a process and it takes time. If you could have a friend over that would help.

I had to clear my DGM's home and I've moved 3 times in 4 years so I was determined to not lug stuff around and/or leave lots of stuff for my DS to deal with.

I started decluttering stuff I just kept like alcohol I didn't even like just in case someone else would drink it. Did they? No.

I'm decluttering and I'm helping my friend do so. What's helped us both is that I give things away on my sub division's FB page and people use the things! Lego would go down a storm!

We pay such a lot for her homes. I don't want to be a warehouse and I get so anxious with too much stuff

I really like Dana K White’s method of decluttering. She says you can keep anything, but not everything. She recommends allocating a fixed space for sentimental items (and the size of that space is up to you e.g. a shoebox, a shelf, a cupboard, a whole room!). You put in your favourite things first, then anything that doesn’t fit goes. If you want to add something new, something else has to go to make room.

I agree with getting your kids involved. Allocate them a space for sentimental things and they can put their favourites there and anything else goes.

@HibbityHobbityWho - is there a give things away for free FB page or put them on Marketplace? Or if the weather isn't wet put them outside and advert them on FB for free?

I helped clear another friend's mother's house and people were taking things all day. They even took things out of the skip.

Anything metal I leave outside and scrap collectors pick it up usually within hours. We got rid of an old radiators and metal bedframe that way. Anything wooden I leave out and it's collected usually to burn.

It's very hard and it takes ages but eventually you will have less stuff that you have to pay to be transported to your new home.

I struggle with this but I'm drowning in stuff.

I'm changing my attitude to "what do I want to take forward with me?"

Things that I struggle to part with get put away in a box and I revisit in 6 months. Taking a photo of things I was holding onto for no reason other than nostalgia has helped too.

Made the mindshift in the summer and itching now to do the next round.

I've done this since I was a teenager, pre Marie Kondo! Sometimes you have something that is sentimental but you don't need it anymore or it's broken and it's no good for the charity shop so has to be binned (like the bong).

I say a little thank you to it and maybe give it a kiss. I did that once at the outside bin then saw my neighbour was outside - she must have thought I was mad 😅

Keep what is useful
or what makes you smile when you look at it

I had to clear a hoarder's home.
So much pain stored for decades.

I like the book and t v programme - ‘The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning’.

I try to persuade my mum that all the things she is holding onto ‘just in case’ or because they were a gift are better being out in the world being used or enjoyed by someone else.

I think the sadness comes from accepting that certain chapters in our lives are over but holding onto stuff won’t bring them back.

I am so glad I found this thread. I find it so hard to actually get rid… so I’m ok sorting and saying OK don’t need this anymore but can’t do the drive to the charity shop or tip.

For the young adults stuff - don't leave it 'out' lying around your home. It has to be neatly packed up and stored. Do you have loft space, or a spare room with a wardrobe? Ideally, put it all in a cardboard box (one for each person), tape up with packing tape, write their name on it with a marker pen, then either leave it or give them a deadline to collect it.
If it is stuff that is too big or too much to go in a box, they have to collect ASAP, and if they haven't room to keep it they take it straight to charity shop or tip.

For duvet covers and other fabrics or clothes past their best: rip up / cut up into dusters or rags. They will soon get used up wiping things, and binned. You need a 'rag drawer' in the kitchen, or somewhere to store them handy to grab when needed.

The grief comes from knowing that the past is gone, the kids are grown, and you will never again be a mum to a baby / 3 yr old / 5 yr old / 10 yr old (etc.)
You need to let yourself properly grieve the past. Yes, they are still here and you are still here, but that version of you is gone and the grief is real.
Some personalities always look to the future, and some always look to the past. It just is. Accept that this how you are and this is your process.

I have got a memory box of things from when my dc were babies. Stuff like their first outfit, lock of hair, newspapers from the day they were born.

Ive also got a box full of their school certificates, cards they made, their nursery books. I haven’t kept everything enough that fits into a box.

Apart from the I’m very brutal with getting rid of stuff. Anything that hasn’t been used for a while has to go. I put things on Vinted and donate/throw what can’t be sold.

I can’t stand mess or clutter.

You’ve just got to find a way that works for you, whether that’s aiming to get rid of 3 things a day, doing a drawer or cupboard at a time.

I read a good tip which was about the fear we have around decluttering. Basically you have to face the fear of being without the item.

So just say you get rid of that coat you haven’t worn all season, but you’re keeping it just incase.

Well put yourself in the scenario of what if? What would you do if you regretted getting rid of it? Chances are, it wouldn’t be that bad.

I can honestly say I’ve never missed or regretted a single thing that I’ve got rid of.

Absolutely this. We did a mass clear out of the loft a few months ago and I had to throw out so much stuff. We were bearing in mind the fact that now in our 70's, our DD wouldn't want to be sorting through all this stuff after we've gone -much of it wouldn't mean anything to her.

I also still had stuff up there from clearing my parents' house over 20 years ago. The valuable items are already downstairs,in cupboards or on display so this was stuff I previously felt I couldn't let go of just because it had come from their home.This time though I was ready to let them all go.

But what if you have a bad memory and the items are a way of keeping the memories?

You dont have to declutter if it makes you feel worse.

I discovered Dunelm take old duvets. It may be different in different areas but they take them and curtains and other fabrics.

For books, I have just discovered selling on World of Books. It is so, so easy. I scanned a load of books via their app, packed them into a box and just dropped off at an InPost locker. I didn't even need to print a label. I wish I'd done it sooner.