If he's not doing anything, I do nothing

[ChatterMonkey]

Had an open and honest conversation with my DH (we got married this year) where my tidiness came up. I asked himi if he had any SMART goals for me in the new year (we work togethwr so work jargon is a joke...) and he brought up my tidiness. Quite rightly. His take home line was 'if I'm not doing something, you do nothing' which is completely true.

I have massive tendency to do this (without finding excuses, I think adhd is there, but i need to find a way around this rather than use as an excuse) can anyone help with advise or tips for how to be more present in housework tasks? DH has said i need to 'potter' more, but i genuinely dont notice things that need done, so I need more of an internal plan to help me pull my weight more in the house.

I do a rehoming session just before dinner prep begins. DH is tidy and a big fan of washing up things as soon as they appear and I'm more of a set things straight at the end of the day person so the rehoming is generally stuff I've moved or DC. DC will assist as req

See this is where me and DH differ, but maybe I need to get like him.

I like cooking dinner, then dealing with all the dishes after. Whereas he like to fill a sink with hot water straight away, then wash dishes as he goes. So at the end of cooking dinner, everything is washed.

We cook dinner about 50 50 each, but because of the above, the washing of the dishes isn't as equal.

As ive written out the above, I realise a small chance I can implement is doing this the same way he does, and cooking dinner alongside a sink of hot soapy water ...

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/small-talk-book-richard-pink-9781529915426

Really recommend you read this ( or listen, as reading with adhd can be hard!)

I wanted to add an example of our confrontation avoidance thats worked for us so we dont seem to be such a useless couple

When we first met, I had some credit card debt, and relied on my parents for some money. Very early on, DH paid off my credit cards from his savings so we could move in together without any debt. He owned his house (with a mortgage) that I moved into, so he kept on all the bills, and I paid for day to day stuff while clearing my debt.

His trust in me to sort out my finances ith his support, but without having to supervise made me more responsible than I ever had been, because he trusted me, and I didnt want to betray his trust.

Which has left us in the situation we are now , we got married this year, dream wedding paid for fully by us, with savings still left in our account for a nice cusion and overpaid on the mortgage this year.

I want to be able to implement this sort of success In the housework tasks as we have achieved in the finance area, but seem to struggle more here...!

Is it really that hard to keep a tidy house? You don't even have kids yet. Wash the dishes before going to bed, make your bed every morning, vacuum/sweep at least once a week (I do it every day since I have 3 dogs), mop once a week, clean bathrooms once a week, deep clean kitchen once a week if needed (otherwise clean kitchen every night before bed).

Which reminds me-- I forgot to put laundry in the washing machine so let me do that real quick.

You need to do the dishes every day. I have adhd but my DP has sort of conditioned me to realising that it always needs to be done before we go to bed. It’s non negotiable so one of us does it.

Id wager this is probably down to the dopamine reward; paying off the debt and having a lovely wedding feels far more rewarding than tedious housework so was easy to do!

(late diagnosed AuDHDer here)

It’s v common as an ND person to have no motivation to do the mundane and low reward tasks. Im a neat freak as I can’t function otherwise and do bursts of tidying etc round the house. DH is like you - absolutely willing but doesn’t ‘see’ anything until i start or it’s pointed out. We too are conflict avoidant and for us it’s turned into a huge issue as I’ve felt like the functioning frontal lobe in the house

I wished we’d have tackled it earlier; we now have a list of who does which jobs over the month (cleaning, bins, cleaning washing machine etc)+ we have a cleaner

Wow, so are you going to pay back the money you owe him?
it sounds a very passive relationship where you’re a fragile delicate being who has to be provided for and taken care of and he has to take responsibility for things, but if you’re expected to you cry?

Well thats one way of looking at it, but luckily not the way we look at it...

But im not going to explain our finances to you on a post that isn't to do with that at all. But thanks for your opinion.

And I think you'll find the whole reason for this post is that I dont want him to feel responsible for when I cry. Ive clearly stated in the thread that a) the reason I cry is nothing to do with him and something I want to work around. And b) something I want to proactively be better at without him feeling responsible.

Both of which ive had helpful comments to tackle improvement. Not your comment, but others.

I've become much better at housework since going on ADHD medication. The other thing that helps is rewarding myself - so for example, I do the washing up and then allow myself to play some computer games, then I'll do the dusting and then reward myself with another game.

Well of course you won’t want to hear comments that don’t paint you as a poor victim being harassed about having to be an involved responsible adult! Best of luck for the future!

But do you mean hes doing lots of housework whilst you dont, he does the same as you or he feels its your job?

I find it easiest when i run the washing up water whilst cooking then wash as I go. But still easier said than done.

But if you do the washing up after you cook what does it matter? Dictating how and when you do it is controlling.

Well I think yhe issue is that I say ill do it after, but then dont.

But I dont want to add another stick to beat myself with, so ill be honest with this, but maybe draw a line under the thread in that I have a lot to improve from with the advise in hear, im glad i posted, but I dont want to draw it out to a point. Where I feel so shit about myself that I dont end up doing anything.

Thank you to everyone that has been constructive (and this doesn't mean positive, these people have pointed out where I need to do better, but been constructive with how I do this)

Happy new year everyone!

@ChatterMonkey use the apps to identify the weekly tasks that need to be done. Work out the ones that go together, then do a schedule.

What worked extremely well for me was an alternating list. One week you did one list, the next week the other list. This meant both of us did all the jobs so couldn't say the other had it easier. I can't remember the exact split and there was fine tuning eg so the person cooking also had to do the dishes, otherwise there were arguments about too many dishes.

But by way of example
List one:
Grocery shopping
All cooking for the week
Clean kitchen including doing dishes

List two:
Everything pet related
Dust
Vacuum
Mop
Tidy daily including making bed

Given you don't like bathroom and toilet cleaning, can that be balanced with you eg doing all laundry?

Do you have a yard that needs to be looked after as well?

Then you'll have the quarterly or less regular jobs like washing curtains, cleaning windows, cleaning eaves, washing walls, doors and skirting boards etc Those you can do as a team.

I'd do something up and then talk to him about it. I can say that a week of never having to think about meals or shopping was blissful.

You could get a dishwasher. I have always attracted very tidy, fastidious men (God knows why). I don't enjoy housework and I don't need to be in a particularly tidy environment. I want to spend as little of my time doing housework as possible. You both have to compromise. You are being far too hard on yourself.

Yeah i think it does need to be a consolidated effort. I'll leave it a couple of days for today's emotions to settle, and rhen have a constructive conversation yhat I can lead to sort a plan for ongoing.

That way I can take control of yhe plan (which helps with my follow through), we can both be involved in the implementation, and he knows that i didnt just react to.a conversation on new years eve without any follow through

I know we can do it, its not anywhere near a level of conflict or arguments. I want to tackle it before we reach there which we are doing 😊thank you to everyone for your help!

Please do post in a month's time looking g for an update to hold me accountable...!!

I have paid off debts 'for' my husband. Except I don't see it as a debt he then owes me and it has never occurred to me to ask for it to be paid back. That seems like a very transactional view of a relationship but maybe if you don't have joint finances it makes sense.

OP, are you very young?
Too squeamish to clean your own toilet and bathroom, say you will do the dishes then don’t, cry during a normal talk… you do really need to mature and get on with it. This doesn’t have to be a big complicated thing with apps, counselling and whatnot, you just need to woman up.

I'm old enough to do better, but never had to do it for myself. So didnt...

These things have either been done by mum , or my exes. So never needed to (or more importantly, wanted to) do it until now. But I want to do better for my husband, who would be happy to put up with me as I am now, and love me for it. So I want to do better to deserve his love that he feels for me regardless.

I read on here once "don't put it down, put it away" and DH also tells me don't touch things twice, so instead of putting my jewellery on the coffee table when I take it off just put it straight in my jewellery box etc

I was going to comment on this and the oddness on being reliant on parents or others , then remembered the forum and that on mn that this is fine as that the parents and ex partners will be the evil, horrible restictors for all they have done!

We are the other way round, so I see it from his point of view. It is now just part of our relationship, where I say, I am going to sort out the laundry, do you want to start on the ironing?
or do you want to hoover upstairs or downstairs, we have two hoovers
or I am going to clean the fridge, can you cut the lawn ?

He does have every day jobs that don’t need much thinking, like washing up after the meal that I have decided what to cook - the deciding is too hard for him
And he looks after the cars, but he loves cars so that is easy.

you both sound like you need help to communicate at a very basic level, so maybe some joint counselling about how to have a simple conversation about how to run a home, would be helpful.