If he's not doing anything, I do nothing

[ChatterMonkey]

Had an open and honest conversation with my DH (we got married this year) where my tidiness came up. I asked himi if he had any SMART goals for me in the new year (we work togethwr so work jargon is a joke...) and he brought up my tidiness. Quite rightly. His take home line was 'if I'm not doing something, you do nothing' which is completely true.

I have massive tendency to do this (without finding excuses, I think adhd is there, but i need to find a way around this rather than use as an excuse) can anyone help with advise or tips for how to be more present in housework tasks? DH has said i need to 'potter' more, but i genuinely dont notice things that need done, so I need more of an internal plan to help me pull my weight more in the house.

Ive started using the Finch app for similar daily tasks (brushing my teeth, washing my face etc etc) which ive found really helpful so maybe this will be useful too, thank you for the suggestion!.

I have to say - if you do stuff whenever he does stuff that sounds like you do the same amount of stuff which is fair ?

I'll have a look at finch!

Ive just downloaded tody, and set it up for kitchen, living room, bedroom and bathroom. It looks like the exact thing i need! After the dust has settled from today's conversation ill link it up with DH, and it looks like exactly what we need to tackle this together as a team ❤️

This suggestion is exactly why I decided to post, thank you so much, and thank you to everyone else who posted to reiterate this was something I need to do better at.

It ends up roughly the same, but defo more to him and always prompted by him, which isn't fair. He's been ill the last few days , and ive done nothing. Which isn't fair.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4932835-in-a-state-of-inertia-when-dh-around?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

if the issue is essentially him project managing and leading on all cleaning and you 'helping' rather than being pro-active (which I can see would be annoying) would it be easier to split tasks? Him essentially saying to notice what needs doing in exactly the same way and at the same level as he does is quite hard going. It sounds like you might be better off if you knew exactly what your 'jobs' were and tried as much as possible to have a set time to do them. e.g. you hoover the whole house and do the bathrooms, ideally on a saturday morning but if you can't then as soon as possible after.

This way the 'notice mess' or potterer type partner does more ad-hoc stuff, but hopefully, if you stick to your chores, there shouldn't be as much mess for him to pick up on as it will never be more than x amount of days since you last did it. If he notices on a Thursday evening, 'Oh the kitchen floor looks a bit grubby,' he can think 'but @ChatterMonkey does the floors every Saturday morning, we don't have anyone coming over so I can leave it.'

Whereas now he notices it looks dirty, has no idea of when it was last washed, knows you won't do anything about it unless he does, so feels he has to clean it up there and then and gets resentful.

You can do whatever you need to to remind yourself until it become a routine so he doesn't have to do all the mental and physical effort of both noticing things need to be done and doing them.

Yes I think this is the approach we need to take. If I have assigned tasks, he has assigned tasks, and then things we are both responsible for on a reasonable time frame.

So for example, he cleans the toilet/bathroom ( i get really squeamish so struggle with this - toilet mainly, i usually help with the rest), but i always do the hoovering and add something here - maybe changing the bed? but we both make sure the dishes are done at least every 2/3 days and the washing is done at least every 4/5 days.

This covers the main daily tasks amd should get us into a better routine

I am the only adult in my home but I also have ADHD and so I have a physical timetable of what I need to do each day and tick it off.

Share the responsibilities so you both have set things to do.
His could be things like the dishes that need doing every day or cutting the grass as and when.
Yours likely needs to be Monday - change bedding, Tuesday hoover everywhere etc so it’s set jobs that you do on set days.

And thank you to everyone who has not focused on the fact that I cried. I know its such an unproductive thing to do, I wish I hadnt, and I was actively asking DH for the honest opinions - I hate the fact that I cry in these situations more than anyone, but its happened since I was little, arguing with my parents about bedtime...!

Even when he realised I was crying and felt bad, I was trying to reassure him that it was jusy me being silly, I had asked for the info, and that it wasn't anything I didnt need yo hear. But I know that for many other more complex issues, this is difficult for him, so I would rather help him behind the scenes rather than involving him actively in my improvements.

A set job on each day would work amazingly for me - thats how I process other things... if I have a work meeting on a Monday, that is my main focus on of the day. Not to say I dont do other stuff on that day (ill do admin tasks etc around the meeting) but i generally do one main work task a day otherwise I get stressed. ( I feel I need to add that info perform well in work within this, generally seen as well performing in my role and earmarked for progression
, so if I try to put this approach to home life it should hopefuly work well.

we both make sure the dishes are done at least every 2/3 days

But why on earth aren’t you - both of you - doing this essential task at least once a day?

If you struggle with basic housekeeping, why don’t you have a list of everything that needs to be done, and when, and who is responsible for said task?

There is an app called dubbi which body doubles you as you do the chores. Created by the adhd love couple. It does it in stages and really helps.

Also make sure you do something to stoke the dopamine before you do anything. I use fast paced music for this. You cannot expect a car to run on empty so why would you?

If you do have adhd then I'd get on with getting a diagnosis and doing as much research online as possible. Pick the practical methods that suit you best. Your phone calendar is your new best friend.

Schedule in times to do things when it is most convenient to do it otherwise you won't do it.

Remember the neurotypical way probably won't work for you so have to find your own way. It's not easy but it can be done.

I also struggle with this so you are not alone.

Because it's not easy for us. If she has adhd it is one of the main struggles we have.

Task initiation is a problem in the infratentorial region.

Look up body doubling. It really helps me when I can’t get stuff done, just having someone acting busy near you helps you to get the job done yourself
i I say to my DH that he gives me energy. When he’s sat on the sofa on his phone it’s harder for me to get up and clean the kitchen , but if he gets up and body doubles it really helps

Thank you.

My defensive reaction to getting a diagnosis is the fact that my brother has recently got a private diagnosis for adhd, and now spends all her time talking abothow she has it too. So I sort of think its likely I have it too, but I just want to sort out my own coping strategies for it. As aside from whether I have a diagnosis or not, I need to figure out a strategy to effectively do day to day life.

Sorry that should say my brother now has a private diagnoses, and my mum says she has it too.

So why does it matter/upset you if she does?

Soo on that thread it’s the fact that it’s the fault of the person who actually does stuff that stops you from doing your share?! 😆 in a bloke that’d be labelled Tactical Incompetence, but of course on mn a woman not doing her share it’s HIS fault! this site makes me embarrassed at times!

Because if we delve into the undiagnosed diagnosis, I would say she is a narcissist and have actually distanced myself over the last few years for this reason. To my benefit.

So shes a narcissist for thinking she is ND when both her dc do?

Every night, no exceptions, you clear everything into its actual place in shared rooms.
You sort whatever stuff you need for the next day, work stuff by the door, clothes out, wash on.
Next morning hang wash out as you have your breakfast/coffee.
These 3 things alone will improve his life beyond measure.

No theres many reasons why I think this, which im not getting into.

But aside from that, her attitude is that Adhd is an excuse for not adulting. Like my brother, who is 40 and still financially completely dependant on them.

But I have the same struggles, but want to deal with them productively to be able to effectively adult, and get through life. So an awareness of why my brain might work differently is useful, but not an excuse to opt out of housework.

But this is getting side tracked to the reason for this post, which ive already had really productive constructive posts for.

I feel like ive answered my 'Why's enough to justify the post, if you have any tips or advise that might help me in a plan for ongoing routines etc, I really want to hear from you 😊

I like this, I remember a similar routine as a child, where the dishes were done every night (barring extreme circumstances) which meant the never built up.

Need to implement this effectively without any excuse, as I think this is the biggest conflict here ( I hate doing dishes... but need to get over that 🤣)