Things that sound nice but actually aren't

[WeeAgnes]

I'm putting forward Fruit teas.
Some of the combinations sound so promising and positively delicious.

In reality, they taste what I imagine drinking pot pourri to be like.

Sex in the sea.
Don't do it.

The fresh cream cakes at the bakery in my town that everyone raves over. I finally went and bought a couple and found that in addition to being really expensive they were also really tasteless and left you feeling a bit sick.

The Natural History Museum and Science Museum. I love museums. I love history. I have fond memories of both of these museums from my childhood and when I was in London with two children last year we set aside a day to visit both. Natural History was far too hot and crowded. Even though it was a term time week day. Everything was hard to look at properly as it was so busy and I was sweating and just wanted to leave but felt I had to endure it to show my children things that they didn’t particularly want to see anyway. And the Science Museum now seems to have its best bits in areas you have to pay for and as we went there in the afternoon and were also doing some other expensive day trips on the holiday I didn’t want to spend the extra money.

Pigs in blankets

I love mini sausages. I love bacon. P in B just do not go. They’re invariably flabby steamed sausages inside with the bacon all fatty and not cooked properly and they look like flaccid little willies

I beg you to tell us how you came to this conclusion

Macaroni Cheese. Fine if it’s homemade. But order it in a pub or restaurant and its the most bland, tasteless gloop ever. Made properly it’s an amazing comfort food but I’m always disappointed if I order it when I’m out.

You are cooking them all wrong. Half a rasher of streaky bacon well applied to a pork chipolata from a quality butcher and well cooked.

They are probably from Costco and are too sweet and too artificial tasting. I always bake my own cakes so I am biased against shop bought cakes especailly those artifical confections from Costco

The sea's not the problem, it's falling over and getting sand in your parts!

I’m guessing a nasty UTI? 😬

Any massage or facial - it's just not relaxing, doesn't help. It's just always a disappointment.

Afternoon tea - it's just shite.

I don’t cook them as I can’t bear them. We only have the tiny sausages on their own at Christmas. Every P in B I have ever had out has been disgusting and the ingredients fundamentally just do not go together IMO which is odd as they are basically the same thing. I know.

You need a higher temperature

Tiny sausages only chez AlpacaJigsaw

Just a pasty. 💀😂💀😂💀

German cheesecakes are delicious! You might find one which you like.

This is a nice recipe.

Swimming in lake Como. Was dirty and cold.

Where are you ?

Panettone - dry bread with a hint of cinnamon
Wild Swimming - freezing brown water, sludgy floor and twisty weeds that catch your feet
Fondue - repulsive
Pumpkin spiced anything - pumpkin pie for that matter
Food Fairs - four million food vans for what? You can only eat one meal... genuinely just don't understand them at all
Farmer's markets - £38 for a piece of cheese and a jar of rhubarb pickle? You're alright thanks...

Yeah I’m not a beach lover either. Last time I was on a sandy beach was in Maui. I was happily paddling, feeling the sands shift gently beneath my feet, when I espied a sign warning of Portuguese Men O’War. Immediately, in my fevered imagination, all the gently shifting sands hid aggressive jellyfish just waiting for pale white skinned feet to attack. I hotfooted it out of there and retreated to the nice safe swimming pool. Haven’t lain on a beach since.

Another one for goats cheese. Just no.

😂

Cucumber. It just tastes of watery nothingness to me.

Sainsburys 'meaty ones' TTD sausages are the best - 93% meat. Wrap half a piece of smoked streaky bacon round (Waitrose is best) and cook till they start to crisp (any less cooked and they'll be flabby and grim). Perfect!

Shop-bought cakes are the worst - all made with veg oil so they glisten. They look good and taste like cavity wall filling.

Herbal tea for sure. It tastes like bath water. You can smell the fruity bubble bath, but it tastes of hot water and disappointment. The only exception is mint tea. That tastes like the water you spit out when you brush your teeth, gathered over the course of a few days and then heated up. YUM.

Travelling for work also sucks. I used to regularly go to Italy and stay in a gorgeous 5 star hotel and resented every single second. It’s really not good. A turd that cannot be polished.

I will add…

Going to the hairdressers. It’s not me time or pamper time. It’s dull as shit and takes forever.

Oral sex (receiving). I love giving. I cannot relax into receiving. I will never orgasm no matter how good it feels. My head simply cannot. My husband loves going down on me. Objectively his technique is fine. However he may as well be licking a rock but whatever.