Feeling unexpectedly sad - older teens/adult children, Christmas changing

[LarryVeest]

Feeling kind of sad today as it's really hitting home how much Christmas has changed. Had a lovely quiet day with the family (dh, 3 older teens / young adult kids), but it dawned on me that they are all increasingly living their own lives (which of course I'm proud of and delighted with). But I noticed myself wondering how to keep Christmas "special" for them, which is coming from a fear of them having better/more fun things to do than hang out with their oldies 😁🥲.

Obviously this isn't just a Christmas thing, but more of a gradual empty nesting process. But Christmas is a particularly clear lens to look back wistfully at how we used to be such a close little "gang". I really miss those days!

Ours was very flat. Now lost both my parents but I’m not 50 yet and it all feels too soon. I know new ways now need to be carved but I couldn’t help but feel sad about it all. Basically - I get it x

I think more younger adults these days would prefer a lower key, stress free, less expensive Christmas. Sitting around all day constantly eating and boozing while watching TV is not the most exciting thing.

I completely understand and it takes a few years to accept a new type of Christmas. Having come through the change it’s really lovely now to enjoy quieter more peaceful times, while others rush around ‘making Christmas happen’. It’s also quite nice to be a little more selfish. I refuse to host ever again.. I did many years, and wouldn’t have had it otherwise. I don’t expect to be hosted either.. in fact I like a quick visit and then my own cosy day at a slower pace.

And I’m not even too old… I just have accepted it’s changed and learnt to appreciate it differently.

It’s a weird transition isn’t it OP? When the magic goes and it’s essentially a roast with your family. Are there any new traditions you could try and bring in? Boards games, secret santa

home will always be home no matter how old they get, hopefully your place is a hub that over the years they’ll come back to whatever’s going on in their lives. I hear you though, it’s hard not to miss to chaos and 5am wake ups (that nearly killed us at the time!)

I don't like change, I find comfort in the family traditions etc so god help me when this happens! Glad you brought it up OP and looking forward to others advice x

We started a new tradition after PIL (who were very traditional and rather tight) died and as DC reached late teens/early twenties. We go to the pub as an extended family. Stay as long as we like and eat much later in the day. So relaxed, so informal, more ‘fun’. GF can join us or not in years to come. If the DC aren’t around we will go abroad. No one is offended. No one is going to be bothered. Love it!

I agree OP. There was nothing wrong with our Christmas. We had traditions of breakfast in bed with stockings, they liked all their presents, we had some lovely food and played games and watched some films.

But no one was too excited to sleep, no one was begging me to see if he'd been at 6am, presents were opened and thanked for - no shrieking and running around, nothing to set up and play with, not a lot to say to each other as we'd caught up earlier in the week.

Just look upon it as different phases of life. I'm 52 and I enjoy seeing other younger families with their excited little ones on FB, it brings back lovely memories for me and it's nice to see others experiencing that nice time with them. Not many little ones left in my family now as the first grandchildren haven't arrived yet and won't for a good few years most likely. I'm quite enjoying the peace and quiet of later start to Christmas mornings these days, and no late night wrapping on Christmas Eve anymore.

I've got one young adult child thousands of miles away this Christmas, and it's the third year without my dad, and we tend to host in our house or my sister's house now rather than it being in our parents' homes. So it's all very different these days. I feel nostalgic rather than sad, though.

I wouldn't worry about the young adult kids and how to make it special for them. What was special for them at one stage they will grow out of and not be bothered about anymore (I was gutted the first year neither of my boys were bothered about decorating the Christmas tree 😆).

I just ask mine "What's non-negotiable for it to make it a nice Christmas for you?" The only thing they said was "nice food, particuarly smoked salmon late morning. And I would still want to see family rather than go away on holiday for Christmas." Easy enough to sort!

I have felt exactly the same way this year 😭 xx

I hear you . Christmas without small children is just not the same . And it is a reminder of our getting older too . Also the novelty of decorating your own home , shopping, preparing definitely wears off and physically is different too . And there are now other people involved like partners . I am taking the hint from MN and never guilting my DCs into anything. It is their time now and we need to graciously take a back seat .

That's all well and good till grandchildren come along and a) they don't want to go to the pub when there's toys to be played with, and b) it can create a bit of tension about who stays at home to mind the kids and who gets the freedom of pissing off to the pub without any responsiblity.

I've been thinking about this a little bit last couple of days. We only have one child who's 6, and we're very much in the 'magical' stage. I know this will eventually change, and our closest family are the people who are much older than us; parents and grandparents. Neither of us are close to our siblings and barely see them.
Makes me quite sad. I can see us having quite lonely Christmases eventually but then again I'd be tempted to spend those years somewhere abroad instead.

Then we’ll re-evaluate.

I'm only saying this with the intention of giving hope. I was dreading Christmas due to my DC being older (14 and 17) - it was actually lovely to see how much they had worked together to make Christmas special for me and DH!

I'm conscious of this shift with my parents and in laws, but also mindful that this is my son's peak Christmas era (2+) and we have to do what's right for our family.

Once thing I've always had my whole life is that Christmas is a season. The whole of December and anything in the last ten days of the year especially is all Christmas, so lots of time to spend time together rather than worrying about one day.

And a big yes to blending in new traditions as you go along. The last two years with toddlers, we've done bucks fizz in the park with our friends and their toddlers in the morning, but it won't last forever.

I can totally relate.

We are a young at heart 66 year olds.We use to put up the tree decorations,carefully wrap presents around the tree.
Listen to Christmas Carols.
Set the table for Christmas dinner.watch top of the pops, play cards.
We did try to make it magical! To my mind anyway!

My nan, use to invite the relatives in the evening, We used to sing & dance.Christmas is sadly, no longer,how I remember it as a child!

We now have a Son who lives in Australia, we have not seen in 8 yrs.Grandchildren we never see.

Our Daughter & partner in early thirties,are living with us at the moment.They come from a totally different generation than us.

You tube every day & night.Meals and takeaways, Eating out in expensive restaurants.Everything delivered by Amazon or a courier! Booking expensive holidays's! Buying endless clothes.Not interested in having children, not interested in buying a home, They say they are not invested in staying here!

No, we just, get on with life,If the house needs a tidy, or painting we do it. If a bill needs paying we pay it.if it's dirty clean it.If it's broken repair it!

We come from a generation, who are not entitled.who started working at 14.
looking after our own children.Buying a old banger for a couple of hundred pounds, which we had to push to get it started.

Buying a home with a 100% mortgage,husband working 12 hrs shifts.Me with our two children, untill they went to school & returned. Nurserys were too expensive,on the minimum wage.

We were brought up in the 1960s,wish we could go back to those days.

My youngest is 18 now.

I wouldn't say it's sad, just different.

We never had the get up early to open presents, but we feel no pressure to get them up early so we can get everything in. This year we decided to open stocking presents after lunch and other presents after dinner, so moved them on. The children helped with dinner/washing up/getting things ready more than I did because I'm not well.
They still enjoyed opening their presents, and commenting on them; they chose to play some games together afterwards.
It felt very low pressure and a lovely relaxed day.

My DC are 16, 18 and 20, so well past the magical age, but at least they still want to spend Christmas Day with us (one has a girlfriend but not yet serious enough to expect to spend Christmas together) and we went to see my family which was lovely. I know what you mean OP, it's not like it used to be, but it is a lot easier and less tiring so I'm grateful for that!

Bear in mind, OP, that your young people may not be all that bothered about it being "special".
I'm sure they may still want presents, but the rest of it they won't be fussed about. This is really about you being nostalgic for their childhood.

But, I guess, if you want to keep them interested, are there any changes that might tempt them? Eg, getting a Chinese or Indian takeaway for lunch?
And, based on another thread, if they want to spend some or all of the day with friends, be the bigger person and give in gracefully!

Thanks for the replies! @daffodilandtulip and @cheerfulaf your replies really resonate in particular. We had a perfectly lovely day yesterday, but it did feel a bit "normal". For context, we tend towards keeping things quite low-key. We're all a bit "eco" / non-conumerist and none of us are massive foodies, and I was trying to think how to zhuzh things up a bit next time (but not necessarily depending on food/gifts).

I'm actually thinking of booking a cabin in Norway for us all next year, although there's a part of me that's wondering if I'm just trying to trap my chicks with me (lol... Semi-lighthearted).

@LarryVeest mine are 19 & 21 so I can relate. We all love to hold on to as many traditions as we can, so we still do stockings and all the food we enjoy, watch movies, and play board games. They have one set of grandparents (my PiLs) still alive, but they're now too elderly to travel to us and this year were adamant that they didn't want us to visit them, which made us all a little sad. We have traditionally invited friends round between Xmas and NY, with similar aged kids, for food & board games, but for the last couple of years some of the parents have turned up with their yp's. As an alternative, I'd like to go away between Xmas and NY, but it's difficult to coordinate decision making with DC1 in particular as he has a busy social life, and I'm not yet ready to leave him on his own over Xmas.

We just gradually need to develop new traditions.

I think maybe when kids get older, it's time to stop making Christmas magical for them and instead make it magical for you and let them share in that if they want to, or let them find out new magical things and see if you can share in any of those.

My kids are now older. DD was working on Christmas Eve and boxing Day. But this has been a lovely Christmas. I got to go for a Christmas Eve swim in a local lake, go with the teenagers and some friends to a Christmas gig by a band we all like, to to another concert with a friend, go to midnight mass at the cathedral, and have everyone muck in with the veg peeling and clean-up. I hope they'll spend plenty more Christmases with me, but I'm a pro at Christmas magic by now, and I don't need them to make it happen.

When I look back on childhood family christmases it was treading on eggshells in case my mother threw one of her "wobblers" as we called them. I know now they were panic attacks but they seemed to happen on almost every family gathering and day out. She revelled in the attention. I dreaded them because I was often blamed for "upsetting" her by being a "naughty girl". My sister was never a naughty girl. She was the golden princess. Once I left the parental home (I lived in the same city as my parents until my early 40s) I had the freedom to just pop in for a couple of hours on christmas day. The rest I spent with my friends.

Totally relate to this.

Yes mine have been out all day or since last night. But dh and I didn’t get out of bed until midday and then walked up to the pub and came back for a picky tea. It’s felt very relaxed and Im enjoying the peace more than I thought