Feeling unexpectedly sad - older teens/adult children, Christmas changing

[LarryVeest]

Feeling kind of sad today as it's really hitting home how much Christmas has changed. Had a lovely quiet day with the family (dh, 3 older teens / young adult kids), but it dawned on me that they are all increasingly living their own lives (which of course I'm proud of and delighted with). But I noticed myself wondering how to keep Christmas "special" for them, which is coming from a fear of them having better/more fun things to do than hang out with their oldies 😁🥲.

Obviously this isn't just a Christmas thing, but more of a gradual empty nesting process. But Christmas is a particularly clear lens to look back wistfully at how we used to be such a close little "gang". I really miss those days!

We’re a family of five adults, two DC in their 20’s and one in their 30’s and our Christmas was wonderful. I don’t aim for magic but a nice fuzzy family feeling.
We went to a really good light show event on 23rd, a festive day out place on 21st, some of us to the cinema on 22nd.
We had our annual Christmas Eve buffet after collecting all the Christmas food.
Christmas Day was lovely, we did presents in two openings for the first time this year which worked really well. I added a new tradition of sparklers in the garden in the evening which was a good laugh. Today I cooked gammon eggs and chips and my DH and I went to the panto.

With the best will in the world it's far less eco to go off to Norway for Christmas - presumably by plane - than it is to buy some extra stuff (orders of magnitude different, not just a little bit).

My children are late teens and twenties but to be honest I prefer Christmas now than when they were little (didn't really enjoy the whole Santa deception thing or the massive hype about presents). We are musicians and church goers so there's a lot to do to make carol services etc happen before Christmas, and it's wonderful seeing it be part of other families' Christmas magic to sing carols by candlelight etc.

I also love my garden and really enjoyed growing things for the Christmas dinner table, making chutneys etc. If you aren't so foody, maybe crafting is your thing? Making decorations or centerpieces or table mats or hand made gifts?

During lockdown when church was closed we hiked up our nearest hill late on Christmas Eve and reached the top just before midnight to see in Christmas. It was absolutely magical. Maybe that could work as a new family tradition now there are no tiny children who'd be too tired.

How about some new traditions, beach walk, countryside walk, cold water swimming, charity shop present challenge, DC make the starter or pudding etc, etc.

@Bulldog01 You have to be older than 66 if you left school at 14.

the school leaving age was raised to 16 in 1971.

Things evolve. When DC were little it was carrots for Rudolph and agreements about how early was too early, and stockings then church on Christmas morning. Now it's midnight mass, getting up later, more fellow drinkers to share the Christmas fizz and grown up games eg Taskmaster. When partners and later grandchildren come along, we'll adapt again. Still all fun and lovely family time.

I feel you, I really do. DH and I are having a nice, quite Christmas, and our DC and their partners came around for about 3 hours, (on Christmas day,) and we exchanged gifts and had snacks and a little walk around the village. Then they went home to their respective houses - both within 25 minutes drive, and DH and I were alone again. Both sets of parents died some years ago, and we have no grandchildren, and no small nieces or nephews. One sibling each who live a long way away.

I have a bit more extended family but they live 100s of miles away - or abroad, and we rarely see each other. There's just a couple of elderly aunts, and a couple of middle aged cousins we see a few times a year, (who live 80-ish miles away...)

So there are no more big Christmases with lots of children, with parents, and aunts and uncles and cousins, and siblings, and grandparents all living within 15 minutes walk, like when I was young (1970s and 1980s.) And no more cosy Christmases with small children all excited for Santa... (and their grandparents/our parents to visit...) It's all in the past now, and my heart is full of nostalgia, for a time that used to be, when I was a child/young teen, and when my DC were. (They're 30-ish now..) I am hoping some of the magic returns when (if) we have grandchildren...

Don't get me wrong, we have a nice Christmastime, and enjoy the festive period, but I do have a little tinge of melancholy when Christmas Eve Eve, and Christmas Eve comes along.

Left school or started working, they are two different things?. I left school at 16 but started working in Woolworths at 15.

Hang in there OP. It is a bit of an adjustment when you are no longer the parents to small children but it can be lovely.

My three are in their 20s. They are all staying over. We had a lovely chill time yesterday and today. Santa stockings were fun - I usually do them but they all added something into them this year. Presents were not too much - we also are low key - but some great hits (ds 3d printed something for each of us). Watched a muppet christmas carol in the afternoon. cocktails/ mocktails and dinner at 7 with candles etc. and games after.

I feel a lot less pressure than I did when they were little (although those times were lovely too).

Obviously some day they may all be off with partners etc. But we'll figure that out when we get to it.

Your post reminded me of when I was about 8 or 9. I remember walking down the stairs in the middle of Christmas Day thinking it’s not the same anymore. Obviously this was because I no longer believed in Father Christmas and the ‘magic’ was no longer there, but my point is you don’t have to make it special for your children. You have already done that. I created memories with my children, I now have grandchildren that I continue to make memories with and it’s wonderful. My children have carried some traditions on and created their own. I think the tough time is that ‘in between’ stage when you have young adults finding their feet. I can understand why it’s hard.

I understand how you feel op! I loved making Christmas special for my dds when they were young dc. There’s no magic like it! But we are four adults now and Christmas still has lots of lovely new elements to it too!

The way to navigate out of this is to work on acceptance that nothing is as certain as change. Life never stands still. And as you say, you wouldn’t really want it to. For everything there is a season etc.

And also to remember back how you felt as a young adult and how exciting Christmas was when it came to new romantic relationships and how you loved being at home but how you were keen to spread your wings too!

Bluntly, us parents will always be slightly less interesting to our young adult dc than the other way around and that’s the way it should be. We’ve spent twenty or so years pouring our love and energy in to them and they are just starting out looking for their own families.

I love having my young adult children around at Christmas though. I love talking to them and their friends. Seeing the world through their eyes! The in-between stage can be good too, except when they are a bit know it all at home from uni, but thankfully that’s usually a short-lived phase!

I do understand how you feel, but a Christmas wih young adults is so much more relaxing, it’s a slower pace and enjoyable. We got to play some games and enjoy our glass of wine.

i found when our children were younger it was manic, we missed things and the day was just so rushed.

You adapt to the age of who is in your house little kids early start lots of presents roast dinner playing with toys. Older kids lay in less presents few drinks roast dinner few more drinks board games, team quizzes, buffet more games. We never have the tv on, on Christmas day otherwise it ends up like any other day. You make Christmas special by doing things you don't normally do.

It does come back again, , mine are now 30 and 23, and they love Xmas with us, board games, and the joy of first grandchild this year

Speaking as someone who is also 66. You weren’t brought up in the 60s, your primary school years were in the 60s. You were 11 in 1970. The 70s were not about being restrained and frugal. It was rock and roll, mini skirts, hot pants and being very cool. And we left school at 16, not 14. Barbara Castle increased the school leaving age from 15. I realise that depending on your month of birth, it’s possible that you left school at 15, but it was our parents generation that left school at 14. I don’t understand why you are over-egging your post!

Ulp, I have this to come!
I suggested to the DC (currently 13 and 11) that maybe next year they'd like to go to the midnight service instead of Christingle. Maybe then we'd get a lie in?
I would also appreciate some more in depth help with cooking (DH and I share fairly evenly but they are still very much in full on play mode).

I had a lovely surprise this year - I sort of jokingly asked if anyone wanted to do any cooking and my two late teen boys took up the offer.

They cooked responsibly and nicely and DH did all the cleaning. They were all engaged and busy and proud of their cooking. For me, it really took the stress off having two big ticket items cooked by the kids and there was no boredom etc. We were all a gang again just in a different way - chopping boards instead of board games. I loved it.

We always enjoyed going to a Christmas panto or play when the DCs were younger, so I would love to see more Xmas theatre aimed at older teens and young adults. We live in Greater London, so do have access to the usual West End offerings, but the seasonal price hikes are eye-watering. Some local theatres do 'naughty' 18+ versions of their pantos or Xmas themed comedy nights (which can be hit or miss). They are fun to do with adult friends but somehow less appealing to do as a family. A warm hearted play or musical, for no more than £40 a ticket, and with a wintry theme would be perfect, but only if we could book in mid December when we knew everyone's plans rather than having to book in March to secure tickets at a decent price. 😁 I realise it's a big ask.

I know what you mean as have teens and it’s harder to please them and get those shared moments than when they were younger. While I understand they want their own space it feels a bit like we are doing all the hard work to make Christmas happen and they are literally joining in eating then doing their own thing.

Like a previous poster we grew up close to extended family so had great Boxing Day parties ( they’d stopped by the time we were teenagers though) but am nostalgic for a family gathering that didn’t involve family having to travel the country.

That all said I appreciate not having to get up early and should feel more rested and relaxed than when the kids were little and excitable!

I know what you mean as have teens and it’s harder to please them and get those shared moments than when they were younger. While I understand they want their own space it feels a bit like we are doing all the hard work to make Christmas happen and they are literally joining in eating then doing their own thing.

Like a previous poster we grew up close to extended family so had great Boxing Day parties ( they’d stopped by the time we were teenagers though) but am nostalgic for a family gathering that didn’t involve family having to travel the country.

That all said I appreciate not having to get up early and should feel more rested and relaxed than when the kids were little and excitable!

Maybe quiet routine is what they like?
My DC are late 20s and lead very busy lives with full on jobs. Both have partners but no DC. They still like to come home for Christmas eve and Christmas day and seem to like a couple of undemanding days of being spoiled. Good food, a few board games and a film. They have done the same since uni. Their partners go off to their own parents and they all seem happy. DS2 has just bought a house and I made it very clear that if he and his partner wanted Christmas at home I would not mind. It seems they both like the family Christmas.
I'm sure it will change when DC comes along or we get too old to host but I appreciate it as long as it lasts.

This is lovely. I hope my kids will voluntarily help out at some point

I am mum of a toddler. For a long time i was the childless adult daughter coming back for family Christmasses.

What i see a lot of on here is mums desperate to maintain the "traditions" they began when their children were small, trying spoil/infantilise/smother their adult children. Doubtless many are willing to indulge in someone else's utility bills, fridge-stocking, cooking and washing -up.

From the sour tone of your post I guess you didn't enjoy family Christmas.

Some adult kids do. I've offered plenty of times to do things differently and I'm always overruled. There's nothing wrong with a parent making extra effort when their much loved adult DC visit for Christmas. Those adult children are perfectly free to choose what they want to do at Christmas. Among my DC peer group all their old local friends seem to travel back for Christmas and it's an opportunity for them to see friends that have scattered all over the country after uni.

As to paying their bills, I'm not sure how you inferred that from this thread but again they are free to help out their DC if they choose and it's needed.

My DM died September. First of my 56 years without her . DS recently left home but came back for Xmas day . He had a hangover so apart from opening presents and eating with us lay down upstairs. We visited PIL but they had two hours of quiz tv on . Not my idea of fun! DS stayed over but I found it really unsettling and got so emotional when he left the next day.