Feeling unexpectedly sad - older teens/adult children, Christmas changing

[LarryVeest]

Feeling kind of sad today as it's really hitting home how much Christmas has changed. Had a lovely quiet day with the family (dh, 3 older teens / young adult kids), but it dawned on me that they are all increasingly living their own lives (which of course I'm proud of and delighted with). But I noticed myself wondering how to keep Christmas "special" for them, which is coming from a fear of them having better/more fun things to do than hang out with their oldies 😁🥲.

Obviously this isn't just a Christmas thing, but more of a gradual empty nesting process. But Christmas is a particularly clear lens to look back wistfully at how we used to be such a close little "gang". I really miss those days!

What i see a lot of on here is mums desperate to maintain the "traditions" they began when their children were small, trying spoil/infantilise/smother their adult children

I actually kind of agree with this but not in the mean way it sounds here.

It does seem that you get threads complaining that it’s not the same with adult children because they want to do their own thing and how upsetting it is for the OP. Then the next thread is someone complaining their parents/in laws only want to do what they always have and why don’t understand that things have changed. This type of thread usually results in everyone saying to leave the parents/in laws to it and ignore them and that the OP should do what she wants. But in the threads where the OP gets upset about their traditions ending everyone gets so sympathetic and agrees how awful the adult children are for wanting to do their own thing.

I think everyone just needs to realise their “their” traditions started by them moving away from their original (normally parents) traditions. And their own children’s traditions will mean moving away from the OPs traditions. People grow up. People die. New children are born. The small nuclear family traditions really don’t last long in the grand scheme of things when you think about it.

now DSC are older we go abroad for Xmas and they stay with their mum as they have younger step-siblings for whom the magic is still alive.
We have our own new tradition of presents, go out for a meal, then home for a movie and dessert.
Of course I miss the times when they were little and watching their faces light up when he’d been and we’d spend the day playing but time has moved on and I love what amazing young people they are so having that dedicated time to celebrate in our own way is our new magic

Sorry to read about your tough Christmas @kerstina.

I think what makes it hard is when we look forward to spending time with family at Christmas (as we are so busy during normal life) that when it comes round and your teens and adult DCs are doing their own thing time together can feel a bit fleeting. I can see why @LarryVeest wants to bundle up with them in Norway next year (but they’d probably just lie in bed or be on their phones anyway!)

I think the trick is to embrace all stages of family life. When my DC were older teens my DH and I started to go way for a few nights either between Christmas or New Year or New Year. It was so nice to have time for ourselves.
Also what we noticed is after the teen years the DC started to ‘come back’ so to speak, especially if free activities and lots of food are on offer.
Now we have lovely Christmas’ with a combination of family activities and nights out with our friends.
TBH I haven’t noticed much of a difference between Christmas when the DC were young and now. My DC have always loved the presents whether they are from us or Father Christmas. We all love the food, candles, decorations, Christmas light trails etc.

Gosh not at all - i love them. I have never felt forced to play the child in the way that some posters here seem to expect their children to. I have appreciated the company of parents and wider family. Our activities evolved to suit an all-adult group before my siblings had their own parenting responsibilities and the dynamic changed again.

Yes

I thought how to change things up and it crossed my mind to book a holiday abroad next year but no it’s not really us…

I feel lucky in that I have adult children and two grandchildren and my youngest is in her teens so I have a bit of everything due to everyone’s age differences.
saying that I hear what you’re saying , it has changed and this year was the first Christmas that I really noticed it.
teen was out and about a lot at various festive events with friends and I found I had a lot less to do , I do think we change with them as they grow older.
enjoy your little ones because the years truly do fly by

Can you invite other people over as well? My Christmases at my DM's were never boring as a teen or adult in my 20/30's. I have 2 siblings and there were always different friends or family popping by in the evening for a period of time. It was always exciting and fun. Now that we are in our 40's and have kids, the overall level of craziness and joy is even greater, but I don't ever really remember it diminishing or thinking our Christmases at our DM's was boring.

As my youngest has just started on a 4-year uni course that has exams every January I'm starting to realise this may impact Christmas for the foreseeable future.