How honest are people with friends about money?

[GirouxSein]

I’ve noticed money comes up more in conversations lately, especially with rising costs. Some friends are very open about what they earn, what they spend, what they’re struggling with. Others avoid the topic completely.
I tend to keep things vague because I don’t want comparisons or awkwardness, but sometimes it feels like I’m being secretive for no reason.
What’s the norm these days? Open conversations or polite avoidance?

I will be forever grateful for a friend who told me what she earned and encouraged me to ask for more. And now I pay this forward by sharing my salary with other women around me so we are all aware what our earning potential could be. I know at least one other woman I have shared my salary with has asked for (and got) more as she also was underpaid. I see this as our little cheerleading group for women to get paid what we deserve.

I agree with a lot of posters on this thread - it can
be empowering (for women in particular) to have open discussions about salary / savings / investments.

I don’t necessarily mean sharing your exact salary, or amount of savings and investments, but just discussing these in general in an open
way.

It has always been the case that discussion of money is rather vulgar, so it's something that I don't discuss, nor do my friends. Obviously, if a friend came to us in financial difficulty, we'd try our best to help.

If someone asked I’d tell them, but it’s not something I’d initiate a conversation about. I have no interest in anyone else’s finances bar my own so it’s certainly not something I’d ask anyone else, no matter who they were.

The not the done thing / vulgar narrative can actively damage women though (some of whom might have little understanding of the importance of having their own pension etc.).

It’s not secretive not to talk about money, it’s private! That goes for what you earn, what you can afford, how much actual cash you have on your person, how you arrive at any kind of financial decision. It’s all, all private and I would really only share with someone I was financially tied with, eg spouse/live-in partner. It is nobody else’s business.

But it’s so dull. I mean, I’m not a financial advice centre — I don’t want to sit about discussing my salary on the offchance it inspires someone to ask for a raise or realise they need to pay attention to their retirement, any more than I want to sit about describing the egalitarian dynamics of my marriage in case it makes someone realise theirs doesn’t have to be awful…

Yes, you’ve got a point 😄.

I talk to my colleagues at work about pensions when it comes up naturally, and you can see that some people are interested but not particularly knowledgeable. I think it’s a good thing.

Just tell people what your comfortable with.

It’s no ones business what I earn or spend so I don’t talk about it

I think it’s all kinds of wrong that we’re happy to talk and rate our hairdressers, but not able to talk among friends about good financial choices. We’d talk about mortgage rates etc so why wouldn’t we talk about other finances? It’s not the same as talking about how much you have in the bank or how much you earn.

We don't know specific details, but we know enough about the gist.

The highest earner lives in Surrey in a house that cost a bomb but needs a lot of work doing. The (possibly) lowest earner spent only a little less on a posh house in Manchester that they spent a bomb on only to then expensively redecorate anyway. Two of us earn very nicely and have nice enough houses in cheap parts of the country and are planning to retire early. Etc etc etc.

We're all fairly happy to be candid, and only one friend is transparently chippy about others' finances, but then she quit work to the a SAHM of four.

Im very open about my finances. Especially when the information might be useful to others (which it almost always imo).

My friends know what we bought our house for and how much DHs Mum gave us for a deposit and what we pay monthly for our mortgage.
I dont want to give the impression that i'm some kind of financial genius that can buy a house on my salary alone, possibly leaving people to feel bad about themselves.

Everyone knows roughly what I earn because I complain about it. Its useful to know what different jobs pay, if you're considering chamging or starting career. Or just to understand, for example, how wage stagnation has hit different industries.

Everyone knows what bemefits I claim and what amounts and which specific descriptors I scored points for. I mix with loads of SEN Mums who want to know whats available. It feels natural to share information. Plus: If you feel able to, it really helps to break down stigma to be open about these things.

All of this information could possibly cause resentment or jelousy but I really dont share it in that spirit. I do it to aknowledge privilege, share information and point people towards resources.

I trust people around me to have a certain generosity of spirit. Take things as they're intended and be pleased for a friend when things go well for them, rather than resentful.

It depends, and more acceptable if earning similar amounts I guess. I was at one awkward lunch of about seven women, when one started moaning about her family holiday in the Maldives and how the villa was at the wrong end of the island so got too much wind and the cinema room wasn’t as plush as it looked in the photos… but it’s ok as her DH just surprised her with a minibreak to Paris and she plans to do another one next month…meanwhile we had picked the restaurant as a couple of us had said our budget was a bit tight!
But I’ve also had to correct a friend who must have assumed I had unlimited funds. I said I couldn’t afford X and she said ‘why not, can’t you just move some money around’? I looked at her like no, I just do not have the money at all. Think because my child was in private school she thought I had loads but the truth was I had ringfenced some money after my DH died to be sure I could pay the fees as my own income could never cover it.

The only person I discuss finances or salary with is my DH and he’s the same!

I’ve told people (mostly women) who work in similar or adjacent fields to me what I earn because I want them to know they don’t need to sell themselves short.

I wouldn’t talk about big spending if I was with people that were in different/difficult position and will call people out in the office for talking incessantly about material possessions in front of people who could only dream of the same.

i do have a friend who is absolutely obsessed with how much money I have. She is the same age as me and her DH is ten years older than me and DH. He also has a “big job” and manages to be patronisingly dismissive about my work and DHs. She always seems very confused how I’m able to afford to do anything.

I know for a fact that he earns less than my DH and that I earn significantly more than DH. So I spend a lot of time biting my tongue.

Definitely earnings are not discussed.

Some friends know that we still have a mortgage for example . But others i keep very shtum !

I will talk openly about salary at industry events, particularly ‘women in…industry’ events as I think it’s important that those coming up don’t sell themselves short.
Rarely if ever discussed with friends, a couple of friends have asked how we are affording school fees, I’m always honest about grandparents contributing and they know us well enough to have noticed our holidays are very different these days (if we have them).

Quite, and would say more if it was appropriate. Thinking of my closest friends:

they saw us buy our house, and given that we are all "into" property likely looked up what it cost
I have a BTL and friends know what it's rented for and my monthly costs, because I'd discussed it with them
friend 1 was keen to move for schools and we had forensic discussions about how she might be able to afford a particular house if they did this, that or the other thing to work/pensions/whatever
friend 2 was contemplating a sabbatical and we talked about how they'd live if she did given her DH's earnings.
Lots of detailed conversations about the costs of particular holidays and house things

So we've never had a conversation about what our monthly income it, but I could see it happening. I'll likely have some time off work ill coming up, and another friend asked how I'd manage financially - I set out in broad terms that I would earn less but would still have rental income and likely some consulting income. It didn't feel like an odd think to be asked, or to share.

We talk a lot about it within the family, and I will speak to colleagues about things like the pension plan (we are all on the same national pay scale so I do know what they earn, but obviously don’t know how much their DPs earn or whether they have family money). I don’t chat to other friends about my income.

DH obviously does though! Because two of his friends spent DH’s birthday last year making snide comments about it.

I have 2 best friends and we happily discuss money.

Other than that I don't discuss it with anyone except my sister and DH and the kids.

The kids know what we earn and what capital we have/what is left on the mortgage. I think it is important to discuss money with your DC

The only person who knows my salary is my DH. And vice versa.

I wouldnt discuss it with family let alone friends.

Small friendship circle. We know how much each other earn roughly and how much we have to ‘play’ with. It helps when you’re planning group activities, everyone knows where to aim for cost wise.

The only person who knows what I earn is my DH.

Politics, religion and money should never be topics of conversation if you want to stay friends!