My daughter and partner are not getting on

[Missthe1975]

My daughter is 14 and I’ve been split from her dad for 4 years. My partner of 18 months does not live with me but when he comes to stay I can sense my daughter doesn’t really click with him. This weekend he stayed for 3 nights and on the 2nd day my daughter was particularly moody. Yesterday my partner and I were having a chat about it all and he called her presence like a black cloud and she’s very “Wednesday Addams” I feel very protective of my daughter and am so upset he said this about her. What should I do? One day he says he’d like to blend but I don’t think he could actually cope living with her. He’s got an 8 year old daughter himself.

He’s described your daughter as ‘a dark cloud’…and you are still with him?

From experience, trying to have a relationship with a teenager around is pretty impossible. You either keep relationships totally separate from family life or you don’t bother at all. My DD’s hate it if I try and bring a man into the house, especially to stay the night, this is there safe place and they don’t feel safe with someone they barely know staying here. 14 is a hard age, she needs to feel safe at home.

Date your partner by all means. However, he stays over when your daughter is with her Dad. Keep your dating life separate from your home life. Have you actually spoken to your daughter about her feelings towards your partner? Did you speak to your daughter before your partner started staying over, to see if she was comfortable with him being in the house? Yes, it's your home, but it's her home, her safe space. Did you ask your daughter if she wanted to spend time with your partner's daughter? She's 14, and it can be a tricky age, especially for girls.

For God's sake, you put your child before a man. If she doesn't like him you don't bring him into her home.

This

FGS! I why is everyone so dramatic about his comments? If DD is unhappy with DP being there she’s probably acting like Wednesday and she probably is in the mood all the time he’s there. Most teenagers act like that even for no reason 🙄 it’s not an insult like everyone is trying to make it or a reason to dump the guy.

however for this exact reason OP should have an honest conversation with her DD about her feelings towards DP. I’d hate my mum having a boyfriend staying over and I’d probably act the same. The girls don’t get on, blending should be reconsidered maybe in couple of years if necessary. It’s too early. If DD and DPs get on well in future that’s fine if everyone’s happy to do it. If not keep the relationship separate and move in with him with him when Dd moves out. Maybe having DP not as often would improve dds relationship with him. She will see that you put her first and are considered of her feelings.

No one in these situations asks their children - they tend to be selfish and do what's best for them and don't care about how others feel about it. My next door neighbour has four children with different fathers. She moved the latest one in quickly enough. The children aren't factored in.

Dick before kids - it seems a common theme on MN where the DC welfare and what’s best for them is an afterthought.

No one saying parents shouldn’t date but keep family and love life separate

His reaction to - lets date but not blend for the sake of our children or until everyone’s comfortable and on board should give you the answer whether to stay in this relationship.

I'd be very careful- I've been in this position as the daughter of about the same age- I did not get on with the man my mother married- it looked on the outside as if he did not like me (comments like you mention) . My mother completely trusted him, but the moment she went on a training course, and he was in the house with me alone he started to make advances- it was creepy and scary.
My mother would not believe me when i told her and it damaged our relationship , permanently.
I would not move in together until your daughter moves out, or goes to uni.

Just take it slowly @Missthe1975 . No need to talk about blending after 18 months. And he might think his dd is sweet as honey at 8 but she will be a moody teenager one day as well. I treated my stepdad as shit and he was one of the nicest men you can imagine (psychologist so very understanding). It's hard to have a new person around.

Have you spoken to your daughter to see what she actually thinks??

This. Very simple solution.

What‘s your partner and his daughter‘s living situation?

As much as I do agree with your overall sentiment, I don’t see where you’ve got him being thick as shite from? A cruel bastard, absolutely but thick? Huh?

You would be turned off your partner of 18 months because he thought something had a negative connotation that you didn’t? What?

I'm not that poster but I think he sounds thick as shite emotionally. He can't see the discomfort his presence creates for OPs child so he tries to infer that there is something wrong with OPs child instead. Also, he wants to blend families when the DD doesn't like him or his child. He's a bit dense really.

Of ciurse he can see it. That is exactly why he referred to her as Wednesday Addams.

I can’t believe you even have to ask!

I wouldn’t even consider being with a man who said something derogatory about my child. Not a chance.

How dare he say that.

I genuinely can’t believe you’re even posting this.

How can you even bear to look at him knowing he not only thinks those things about your child but that he actually verbalises it too?!

I don’t think he realises that it’s because of him being there that she is so unhappy and that she isn’t like that all the time. He’s trying to put down OPs DD to score points and make OP think she’s difficult and it’s got nothing to do with him. He’s an idiot as it’s clearly had the opposite effect and OP is now questioning their relationship.

Interesting that you say you don’t think he could cope living with her, it the other way round. Poor kid.

Please put her first.