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Original poster

My daughter and partner are not getting on

70 replies

Missthe1975 · 22/12/2025 18:23

My daughter is 14 and I’ve been split from her dad for 4 years. My partner of 18 months does not live with me but when he comes to stay I can sense my daughter doesn’t really click with him. This weekend he stayed for 3 nights and on the 2nd day my daughter was particularly moody. Yesterday my partner and I were having a chat about it all and he called her presence like a black cloud and she’s very “Wednesday Addams” I feel very protective of my daughter and am so upset he said this about her. What should I do? One day he says he’d like to blend but I don’t think he could actually cope living with her. He’s got an 8 year old daughter himself.

OP posts:
mummabubs · 22/12/2025 21:02

May I ask OP, how long has your daughter known about this relationship? As it's 18 months down the line to you and him, but I suspect much shorter for her. As others have said, 14 is a really key transitional age. Makes complete sense why she might not feel comfortable with someone sharing what she's viewed as her own (safe?) space til recently.

MrsDoomsPatterson1 · 22/12/2025 21:07

Minjou · 22/12/2025 20:58

He's a strange man to the DD. She doesn't like him and she doesn't want him.in her home. She shouldn't have to

OP isn't entitled to have her boyfriend in her DDs home against her wishes.

Show quote history

We don’t know that yet!

kids don’t rule - it can be worked on and adjusted so dd is ok IF that’s true

FrippEnos · 22/12/2025 21:23

IMO some posters are being a bit hard on your partner.
But your DD should come first and it maybe that you have to adapt your relationship so that you can have them both.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds 8 year olds Families
Homegrownberries · 22/12/2025 21:30

Do not have a man stay in your house when it's clearly making your 14 year old daughter uncomfortable.

I'd have thought that would go without saying. Seriously.

You say you feel very protective of your daughter. I wonder does she feel that.

Homegrownberries · 22/12/2025 21:39

"I’m supposed to be having him to stay Christmas Day"

Did you discuss this with your daughter before making the plan?

MrsLizzieDarcy · 22/12/2025 21:42

When my Mum met her new partner, I was 14 and initially he seemed really nice (he was my friends uncle). Only then he started to stay weekends... and that's when it started. Mum was so busy trying to please him/look after him that it started to feel like it wasn't our home anymore.

It was horribly unsettling, and I hated coming out of the bathroom etc. 14 is a very vulnerable age to be exposed to someone new in her home. Can you talk to her to see what's really going on?

DurinsBane · 22/12/2025 21:46

If she is rude then I don’t think him saying that to you is that bad, as long as he didn’t say it in her earshot. She is old enough to know not to be rude, but on the other hand she is a year old old girl with all the hormones that go with that. And a 14 year old girl probably doesn’t want to think about her mum having sex with a man. But I think you do need to talk to her about not being rude

KimHwn · 22/12/2025 21:47

FrippEnos · 22/12/2025 21:23

IMO some posters are being a bit hard on your partner.
But your DD should come first and it maybe that you have to adapt your relationship so that you can have them both.

I agree with this. It can take time. My stepfather took a lot of getting used to but he's been one of the kindest, most important influences of my life. I'm so glad my mother found him.
Having said that, I wouldn't have overnights until your DD feels comfortable. Have more outings and stuff that's geared towards her enjoyment.

DurinsBane · 22/12/2025 21:47

Homegrownberries · 22/12/2025 21:39

"I’m supposed to be having him to stay Christmas Day"

Did you discuss this with your daughter before making the plan?

The daughter is there on Christmas Day, the op said on the same post

Original poster
Missthe1975 · 22/12/2025 21:52

Just to clarify, it is my daughter’s turn to be at her dads for Christmas Day this year so she won’t be here.

OP posts:
johntorodesfatcheeks · 22/12/2025 22:05

You have to - and should want to - put
your daughter first. Why didn’t you talk to her? Why are his feelings and perspective more pressing? His comments about her are juvenile and way overstepping the mark. I’m surprised you didn’t ask him to leave the minute those words came out of his mouth

UxmalFan · 22/12/2025 22:08

DD ought not to have someone in her home regularly who she dislikes. The odd evening or overnight, maybe, but not day after day. You wouldn't like it if she arranged extended visits from a partner you felt uncomfortable with.

Humanswarm · 22/12/2025 22:11

This isn't about Christmas though OP. This is real life and your daughter feels uncomfortable, made worse by her being in the most crucial stages developmentally as a teen girl.
Do not have Christmas with him just because you don't want to be alone. That's not fair on him either.
You know it can't work if your daughter isn't happy with him being there.

NewDogOwner · 22/12/2025 23:04

You know what to do.

GrannyTeapot · 22/12/2025 23:21

How would he like it if you were saying negative things about his daughter?
Also - how do the two daughters get on?
I’d have hated having an unrelated man or other child in my home constantly at that age.
Blending isn’t compulsory - why not talk to him about taking it off the table for the foreseeable future and see what happens? It may be that their relationship organically gets stronger but please don’t force it.

Original poster
Missthe1975 · 23/12/2025 06:18

His daughter is 8 and they don’t get on really. My daughter tolerates her at best.

OP posts:
Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 06:21

So what are you going to do? Because SURELY you can see how you are utterly failing her as a mother. Her home, her safe space, is no longer that when your awful boyfriend stays over.

I do not think you’ll do a damn thing though

WhatNoRaisins · 23/12/2025 07:03

I think that you need to accept that blending isn't a good idea. That being said I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a teenager to tolerate guests now and then. His comments about her sounded quite negative and that something that I think you should discuss.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 24/12/2025 19:23

Humanswarm · 22/12/2025 22:11

This isn't about Christmas though OP. This is real life and your daughter feels uncomfortable, made worse by her being in the most crucial stages developmentally as a teen girl.
Do not have Christmas with him just because you don't want to be alone. That's not fair on him either.
You know it can't work if your daughter isn't happy with him being there.

But the daughter isn't going to be there.
It'll be OP and her DP only.
Why should the OP go without although the comment about DD being all Wednesday Addams needs addressing.
OP needs to have the conversation about why she doesn't like her DP, find out if anything deeper has gone on and do the right thing by the girl but I don't see why the relationship has to stop unless he's a wrongen

TwistedWonder · 24/12/2025 19:28

Keep your family life and your relationship separate and only have him stay over when she’s not there.

TwistedWonder · 24/12/2025 19:30

Missthe1975 · 23/12/2025 06:18

His daughter is 8 and they don’t get on really. My daughter tolerates her at best.

So don’t inflict them on each other.

Meadowfinch · 24/12/2025 19:30

Either get rid of your partner, or continue your relationship away from your dd's home.

Your dd is 14, she is approaching exams, she is going through puberty, they are difficult years, the last thing she needs is domestic strife and a strange man in her home.

In four years, she may head off to university and be less present. Until then, you need to put her first.

user1476613140 · 24/12/2025 19:33

Your DD comes first under the age of 18. Prioritise her not your fanjo.

What's the obsession with moving partners in when children don't get a say?

user1476613140 · 24/12/2025 19:34

In fact, I wouldn't be comfortable if I had a DD who had an unrelated man in the family home with her.

cannynotsay · 24/12/2025 19:41

I’m telling you now very truthfully, this will destroy your relationship with her. Chose her. Otherwise you’ll be looking back in 20 years wondering where it all went wrong. Why you aren’t close etc. they don’t get on and I doubt they ever will from what you’re saying. Let him go x

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