Anorexia. My first Christmas at a normal healthy weight. Would this affect how you treat me? .

[AnonymousSlug]

I know there's an eating disorders board, but I'm posting this here because I'm looking for all viewpoints.

I'm 47, and have been anorexic and underweight all my adult life. This year, after a serious injury at work suddenly affected my mobility, I've reached a normal or healthy weight and body mass index for almost the first time ever. So not recovery so much as circumstance. It doesn't feel like a win.

I have a huge, huge family and will be hosting most of them over Christmas, as well as spending time lots of social time with neighbours and friends in the village. I'm nervous about them seeing me this size. How do you think they might respond or react or speak to me differently? What would you do differently?

You make the assumption that everyone who NEEDS serious help can access it.

I thought we all knew these days the state of the NHS.

You can and will recover. I had an ED for around four years in my late teens / early 20s never thought I would get better. Forget what other people think, this is your life I hope you are ok you sound like you have really struggled so far. Glad you are still here x

You need to protect yourself as much as possible so if you’re worried that comments may trigger a relapse, is there anyone you can trust to have a quiet word with other guests / friends to let them know so it’s not a shock and they don’t feel the need to comment?

’oh and Slug will look a bit different as she’s now a normal weight but please don’t comment on it as she’s very self conscious still’

I would feel very positive about you, but I wouldn't say anything or react differently towards you than to anyone else.

So you have never in 30 years managed to gain any support for your illness? Am I reading that right? If so then that really is disgusting.

If you were my relative I'd keep my trap shut but I'd secretly be pleased to seeing you look healthy and I'd be hoping you were in recovery.

Your posts are concerning though as you are clearly still poorly - although you do fully admit this.

Please use this as a stepping stone to tackle the psychological aspect. You have gained some weight so physically you are in a better position but try and get your head there too.

This is so ignorant - anorexia is a serious mental illness.

I’m now at a healthy weight after years of anorexia, although through recovery so psychologically may be different. I find the “you look well”
comments the lesser of two evils. I would rather have those comments than the constant threat of death.

If your current situation is through circumstance rather than recovery, I really hope you are getting good support to deal with it.

Actually maybe the right answer here is we simply don’t know how others will treat you. Most sensible people avoid the topic of weight as we simply don’t know what has caused either loss or gain- although this often leads to threads where people are insulted that no one talks about their weight loss.

I think you need to talk this through with a mental health professional if you have one or come up with some stock answers no matter what is said. The easiest way to do this is to deflect to another topic of conversation so whatever they say, take a beat and comment on the weather, the Kings speech or something else non related. If they return back to it you could say “I would rather not discuss my appearance if that’s ok. So how about all that weather we have been having.”

OP - as someone who has suffered from AN, I completely understand your fears and concerns. I think, unless you have suffered from AN (or lived with someone who has), it is hard to understand why some 'compliments' can be so triggering. In my experience, and this depends on your family, but you will have some very triggering comments like 'you look well' or 'you look so much more healthy' etc. My advice would be, do you have an individual in your family you feel comfortable asking to contact everyone who is coming to explain your situation (e.g. XXX has had a difficult year due to an injury at work, this means that she might look a bit different to when you last saw her. It would be really helpful if any comments relating to her appearance were avoided on Christmas Day. Thank you).
I think if you just leave it, you are asking a lot of yourself in terms of being 'strong' against the intrusive thoughts that will twist what people say. You deserve to have a happy and peaceful Christmas, so try to think of your 'worst case scenario' and put things in place to prevent them from happening.

Nobody will comment or behave any differently. I have a friend with anorexia and her weight has fluctuated over decades. We do talk about her illness, but I never comment on her appearance. I mostly consider that she looks too thin and drawn, but I don't say it. If and when her weight improves (ie goes up a bit), I still don't comment, even though I'm pleased - I know that phrases like "you look well" (which are meant as exactly that) can be misinterpreted by the person with anorexia.

I'm sure your friends will understand all of this, OP, and not make comments.

Please don't tell someone with anorexia that they look well - it can be disastrous!

The first reply nails it imo

Nice one OP and Merry Christmas to You . .

How insulting to a recovering anorexic

Wow

Saying so and so looks different will make people expect the worst - which is likely to lead to shocked “you look well” “ I don’t know what hh was on about “

you need to be clear and explicit “op has AN, she’s doing well but please don’t make any comments on her appearance at all “

I've been in recovery now for a couple of years. Similar age to you.

What people will probably say a lot of is 'you look well'. Take this to mean just that. I used to be scared of looking 'well'. Equating it with fatness. In my disordered brain. But now I'm used to hearing it I let it be taken as the compliment that's intended.

You may get some people saying things like 'its nice to see you eating'. That can seem awkward, so I just politely smile and say something like 'oh, yes the food is delicious'. Then change the subject.

Well done on your recovery and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. X

I wouldn’t treat you differently. If anything, I’d hope you’re feeling more comfortable and supported. People may notice the change because they’re used to seeing you one way, but that doesn’t mean they’re judging you. Your worth hasn’t changed—only circumstances have. You don’t owe anyone explanations, and it’s okay to protect your boundaries this Christmas.

Thanks. Been at a big local event today and nobody said anything much to me about anything. I can handle that. I don't like constantly being asked if I'm OK. It's nice to treated as kind of ordinary.

If you were really a healthy weight I would be delighted and say you look brilliant. Having read this thread I now know that's the wrong thing to say.

No-one comments when they see someone grossly underweight because it looks awful and it would be rude (unless it was someone very close).

I wonder whether you are genuinely a healthy weight or just not quite as thin as usual? In which case people probably won't notice.

How would you actually like people to react?

I think it's good to be prepared for a whole range of reactions, as well as none. There may be variations between those who know you are anorexic and have a good understanding, those who know you're anorexic and don't really get it and those who don't know.

People are often unpredictable and can often say the wrong thing or something stupid when they don't know what else to say. I hope you have a lovely time whatever the reaction, it certainly sounds like you're very popular!

I don't have experience exactly, but I did lose a lot of weight a few years ago (temporarily, sadly). I know what you mean about feeling anxious about it. Everyone commented that I looked great and I enjoyed that, on some level I would have been surprised if people didn't comment. However it always led to a 'how did you do it' conversation which often led to listening to someone elses struggles. I spent so much time talking about it over and over and eventually started to dread meeting people. I trained myself to say deflecting comments like I'm happy as I am but don't want to talk too much about it. Polite but firm. It really helped.

I lost a lot of weight and got a lot of positive attention as a result of no longer being morbidly obese. Ungraciously, it irritated me. I was the same person morbidly obese or overweight. I wasn’t somehow more virtuous or successful for my changed weight, I was exactly the same, but in a body that looked a bit different.

I wish as a society we were were better at this.

I avoid commenting on anyone's weight - you never know what might lie behind a change in weight, unless someone has made it public that they are on a slimming diet - so I wouldn't say anything.

You might well be complimented on your general appearance if you are looking healthier, so be prepared for this. You can just accept any compliments graciously and turn them straight back: "Kitty, you look great!" "Thanks, Sally, so do you - I love your dress" or whatever.

I would inwardly be so thrilled for you that you looked healthier. Outwardly I would say nothing at all as in my experience with anorexic friends any discussion about weight, bodies or their illness isn't helpful. And I wouldn't treat you any differently to anyone else or to how I treated you before.
As PP said, could you try to reframe it as a win in your head. It might not feel to you like it's the 'right' way to get healthier, but fuck it, it's got you to where you are and a win is a win. Think of it as a gift from the universe and make the absolute most of it.

I wouldn't do anything differently. I would most likely say how lovely it is to see you and so on. As I do with everyone.

I wouldn't comment on your weight or looks unless you chose to have that conversation with me.