Anorexia. My first Christmas at a normal healthy weight. Would this affect how you treat me? .

[AnonymousSlug]

I know there's an eating disorders board, but I'm posting this here because I'm looking for all viewpoints.

I'm 47, and have been anorexic and underweight all my adult life. This year, after a serious injury at work suddenly affected my mobility, I've reached a normal or healthy weight and body mass index for almost the first time ever. So not recovery so much as circumstance. It doesn't feel like a win.

I have a huge, huge family and will be hosting most of them over Christmas, as well as spending time lots of social time with neighbours and friends in the village. I'm nervous about them seeing me this size. How do you think they might respond or react or speak to me differently? What would you do differently?

Honestly, everyone will be delighted to see you looking healthy and well. I hope you continue to recover.

I have a daughter who has anorexia although thankfully recovering. It’s lovely to see her gaining weight again and looking healthier, everyone in our family was so worried about her when she was unwell so we are just thankful she’s still here with us and doing well.
Nobody will think differently of you, that’s the anorexia telling you that they will.
I hope you continue to recover and have a wonderful Christmas

I wouldn't do anything differently to you, but I would be secretly thrilled you are looking healthy

They will be pleased to see you looking healthier. However, they may make comments. Have you any strategies prepared for this? It's sounds to me like your body is recovering but your mind might be a bit more stuck so this could be stressful. Good luck xxx

If I saw you I may say something like ‘hi you look really well’ and I would genuinely mean it.
You may get lots of ‘you look great’ and I do think it will be truly meant.

Im a believer in everything happens for a reason and circumstance has made your body ‘get better’ but I’d suggest therapy to help your mind embrace this, as it could be the turning point you needed.

Take care.

How much do they know about your anorexia? Are you still in treatment? I suspect that they will be pleased to see you at a normal weight but I also suspect that they might say some well-meaning things but that will be quite triggering for you. As someone who has been in your shoes, there’s nothing worse than hearing ‘you look well’.

I would hope most people have the good sense not to comment on your appearance particularly if they know your history, but if they do even if it’s positive I would just deflect and move onto another topic of discussion to minimise any discomfort you might feel.

I think most people (if they have any tact at all( will not say anything and not should they. However, I think you need to be mentally prepared for a few "Oh, don't you look well" type comments (which I know from a friend of mine with ED is one of the worst things you can say as, although it is meant as a positive comment, it is not necessarily received that way). You might also find that people expect you to be 'better' and might therefore expect you to eat more than you would usually.

I think by being prepared for this in advance you will be able to rationalise it a bit more and not take any of it as a criticism. I guarantee people will be happy to see you looking 'healthier' and anything they say (however cack handedly they do it) will be meant positively because they will be relieved to see you not looking unwell.

I’m sure they’ll tell you that you look great or maybe they won’t mention it as they won’t want to say the wrong thing.

Without being unkind, most people have their own life struggles they will be worrying about instead. Family arguments, their own weight issues, relationships, teen parenting, job stresses, elderly parent caring etc. Apart from being delighted to be hosted and see everyone, i would literally think nothing of someone else's weight. I'm also so self conscious of my own weight and looks, I probably wouldn't notice yours.

Have a Happy Christmas.

How do your family deal with your anorexia and how do you think they will respond to you being a healthy weight? I can see other posters saying your family will be delighted, but unfortunately this isn't always the case in families with eating disorders. Obviously you know your family @AnonymousSlug . How do you think they will react?

if I were a friend or relation, I would try not to comment, but you might find people say things like ‘you look well’ etc. Which you might find triggering.

If they are experienced with ED, they won’t say anything. They will probably be relieved to see you at a healthier weight.

If they are inexperienced with ED they may comment. Have some deflection statements ready to help you manage this, or have a wingman who will intervene on your behalf.

I’m avoiding saying anything about you myself, as it is unlikely to be helpful.
I’m sorry about your work injury. This must have been a hard year for you. I hope you get to really enjoy all your socialising this Christmas.

It's their view of the usual me. They won't be expecting me to be not-underweight.

Very good point. I needed to hear this. Thank you

It's a tough one. I'm also currently underweight but unlike you I've been overweight for most of my life and now I'm having to deal with people telling me how great I look. For you, I imagine you're dreading people telling you that you look "better" or "well" because you will interpret that as "bigger" and you worry it'll trigger a relapse? The pp is right, your family and friends will probably be pleased that you've gained weight, and some of them may well say something, as people seem to feel compelled to do when it comes to other people's bodies. I think the best thing you can do is accept that this might happen and have some stock responses to change the subject.

Longer term, I know you don't feel like this is a win or a "proper" recovery, but could you possibly be able to reframe the way you're thinking about it? My concern would be that you have impossibly high standards for yourself (as anorexics often do) and you believe that recovery only counts if it's a process that has been entirely within your control. But a win can be what you make it sometimes.

I really hope your Christmas goes ok and you don't have to field too many well-meant comments x

I suspect people will be pleased for you - those who love you want you to be well - that’s only natural that if they love you they would have been worried about your weight

I think their responses to you might depend if they know it was anorexia when they might be a little more sensitive / but do expect some “wow you look good” comments to which the correct reply is I believe “thank you “

If they only know you as underweight and eating minimally, some will notice a difference and comment. You can’t control this and the anorexia voice will (of course) try to turn that into a reason not to eat.

I would expect some ‘you look well’ and some assumptions about what and how much you’ll eat, like ‘oh, have you eaten all of that?’. They won’t mean anything bad, but you will find it hard to hear, as the anorexia will do its best to interpret every comment, look and lack of comment in the most negative possible way, and make it a reason not to eat.

I really hope you can hold on to your physical recovery, and wish you a healthy Christmas.

I recovered from anorexia in my 20s. People saying "you look well" would make me wish the ground would open and swallow me up. Anyone drawing attention to it just made me die inside. They don't mean it to come across that way at all, they will genuinely be pleased for you. As a pp said, they all have their own lives and problems etc and won't think about it that deeply. It's unfortunate that people feel the need to comment on it at all but it happens. Just mentally prepare and try to be kind to yourself 💐

Is your ED something anyone ever talks about? I have a friend who has had anorexia her entire adult life. It’s very obvious to anyone who meets her. She has only ever directly acknowledged it to me when she broke her hip. It has never been mentioned again. If I saw her and her weight was healthier I also wouldn’t mention it because it’s not something you can easily discuss with someone with an ED. To be brutally honest it’s a horrendous thing to witness and have to pretend isn’t happening, but I assume you must know this.

I wouldn't treat you differently at all. Why would I?

I probably would be sensitive and not given you a food gift, but otherwise I'd just get on with it and not make a bit deal of anything otherwise.

What are you worrying about? Do you want them to notice or not want them to notice? If you don't want lots of comments then you may need to have a strategy in place for how to shut down any comments quickly and effectively. Personally i wouldn't comment but i guess some people may.

It wouldn’t cause me to treat you any differently to anyone else. I’d ask how you are. I’d tell you it’s good to see you. I wouldn’t comment on how you look - IME even well meaning and genuine comments can cause over analysis. Internally I’d be absolutely delighted to see you beginning to recover and I’d be desperately hoping that whatever the circumstances that led to that recovery that the journey would continue.

I don't really get this - anorexia requires serious health care and attention, it's a very serious and potentially fatal illness.