What funeral traditions do you find odd or difficult ?

[thetallfairy]

My sis in law sadly lost her father

She is in Ireland

So the house is open
She sadly lost her mother a few months ago

It was days and days of people coming and going to the house

She had lots of great support but found it hard to manage the constant stream of people going in

I know in the UK it was very different and the family home is often private

What have you noticed about traditions where you live?

In Ireland that would be a very typical funeral. In my experience it’s quite cathartic to have many people coming and showing respect for someone they love or to show support to a friend.

when I lived in England I found the very sterile funerals difficult. Attendance by invite and no chance to say goodbye to the deceased person (funeral homes were often by appointment and just for immediate family).

In Ireland people are usually buried within 2 days of death so people will call those 2 days. Not usually for days & days? Also on the death notice many people will say hpuse private. Very unusual situation for your sis in law

There was an autopsy

So they waited extra time for the body to be released so lots of people came and went to support the family

Very long days for them

Yes it is very different in the UK

My friends father died and ithey had to wait a long time for The funeral service

And yes very lovely to have so many come and offer them so many kind words and lots of lovely homemade food

When I was a very young child (1950s) when there was a funeral in the street my mother used to pull the blinds down on the front windows and cover all the mirrors. This used to be a very traditional custom although it would be considered very odd now. It was a sign of respect for the deceased and intended to protect the living from bad luck, preventing the soul from getting trapped or warding off evil spirits and further death. I thought my mother was bonkers.

Skip a few years until the 1960s. I was 18. I attended the funeral of a family friend with my grandmother. I had never worn a hat in my life but she lent me a black lace mantilla veil because it was a Catholic mass. She said it was a sign of humility and modesty for women to cover their hair for a Catholic service. We were a C of E family.

When we arrived at the house there was this line up of relations - very formal. There was a little queue to shake hands, say something conventional and mention what your connection to the deceased was. Since it was a Catholic mass we sat at the back of the church and remained on the edges of the crowd at the graveside. My grandmother converted to the Catholic faith in her later years.

When my relation died a friend overseas was surprised the funeral wasn’t to be live streamed. It hadn’t occurred to me to arrange this. Same person asked me to “give the coffin a tap from me” which I thought was rather odd (I didn’t).

Im 51 and i remember our neighbour dying and mum closed the curtains. Personally i don’t like the getting pissed after it. My opinion but i think its disrespectful.

and the food served afterwards, its an expensive waste. Its not a party

my lot are instructed to bury me with no religious service, and no throwing money on feeding others. They can have a Chinese meal that night behind closed doors

I’m half Irish and spend a lot of time there but went to first funeral last year - was horrified that coffin was open - only ever seen that on films! All family called up to say goodbye

Very funny scene in Derry Girls which explains this beautifully.
James (the wee English fella) is freaked out by the body in the open coffin. The girls just shrug very matter of factly state “sure it’s just me aunt Bridie?”
I was very much brought up with that attitude. It’s your loved one.
As my own aunt would say “you’ve more reason to fear the living than you do the dead”.

I believe the food and drink served after a funeral is traditionally done to thank the guests who have travelled to honour the deceased. That was in the days when travel was a great deal more difficult and there were few private cars.

I have a couple of books on Victorian mourning customs and they make fascinating reading. Victorian mourning jewellery is still very popular.

Rites of Passage: Death and Mourning in Victorian Britain by Judith Flanders

The Art of Grieving by Amanda R. Woomer for beauty in mourning, and Death in the Victorian Family by Pat Jalland for personal experiences.

It's fascinating!!!!

And o totally get the comfort and the kindness from others but how bloody exhausting

Although some funeral houses say we would like you to come but walk through and pay your respects

Some people stick around for ages !!!!

It’s no surprise that cremation without a funeral is now a growing trend.

In my experience most people only have funerals through a sense of duty and would much prefer not to bother.

Arrange for cremation without any ceremony and then if you want to catch up with a few people book a meal out or something similar.

I also thinking the getting pissed afterwards is awful. People piling in for the free drink and food to me sounds grabby and disrespectful.

I have a very close relative who will pass in the next 12 months. There are already people talking about coming over from Ireland who haven’t seen this person for years and are only coming for the piss up. I have had thoughts about not telling them about the death until after the funeral…

Interesting opinions

I paid for a free bar when my father died

To say thank you to a few who were super kind

I barely drink

We all sat for hours after and drank quite a bit
It helped me get through that day and a very hard year

When people ask mourners to wear bright colours. Especially if it’s a child.

I can’t stand that. Funerals are sombre occasions.

Do you know, I felt exactly the same way, I'd planned for a direct rcrrmation myself.
Did not get the performative grieving at a funeral ( as I saw it at the time).
Then DH died, quite unexpectedly, and with a bloody funeral plan😄
That changed my entire view.
It was the most wonderful day. From the Humanist to the friends we hadn't seen for 20 years, each and every person that day made it easier for me to accept the loss of him. I was surrounded with love, so can now understand what people mean when they say that funerals are for the living, not the dead. They surely are.
The Irish have it right🙂

Not,long after they bought their house in France, and SiL were invited in for (as they thought) drinks at a near neighbour’s house. So were startled to say the least that it was some sort of wake for the woman’s husband, who was lying in an open coffin on the dining table!

The neighbour was what SiL called ‘a funny old thing, rather eccentric.’
Typically irreverent Dbro used to refer to her as The Widow Twanky!

Disagree

Not expecting children to attend as a matter of course. I went to every funeral my family attended my whole life. Never would have crossed my parents' minds for us not to come and I find it very strange when there discussions on here about excluding children.

Cremations upset me. I was brought up catholic and burial was the norm.

I find the curtain closing and the coffin being lowered down or pulled back sad. With burials you leave them and walk away but cremations they leave you and I don’t handle it very well.

Because of my job (church) I host many funerals and see a wide range of traditions, from do we have to have prayers (well yes if you want the service in an actual church) to a requiem mass with full orchestra, soloists and choir (person had no family but loved classical music, we filled the building with fellow classical music fans by advertising and he left money so everyone attending could toast him with a glass of wine too). The oddest thing I’ve been asked was “which one is this” turns out they went to all the funerals in the area where the deceased was from Antigua or decent! (They brought a flask and sticky buns too, quite odd!) I’ve learned not to be surprised and as long as the family within reason get what they want that’s all that matters (but yes you need prayers, and a short bible reading plus no satan worshipping death metal music!)

I don’t like the fact that some people get very jolly at funerals. I don’t necessarily mean the drinking, but I don’t like it when people start laughing at funerals, it just feels disrespectful. I understand the concept of “celebrating the life of . . . .”, but I don’t like it, because of the sad feeling that they are dead. I think “mourning” just feels more appropriate to me. I think I just prefer things to be more traditional.

X100 yes

Very upsetting

The thought of an open coffin. Only seen it in films and the thought of it IRL makes me feel a bit ill tbh.

Oh but I forgot about the most eccentric of all, sound of music themed, come as your favourite character, sing along to the main songs and the ashes later were scattered in Austria. Joyous occasion to be honest and the deceased’s husband came as mother superior!