What funeral traditions do you find odd or difficult ?

[thetallfairy]

My sis in law sadly lost her father

She is in Ireland

So the house is open
She sadly lost her mother a few months ago

It was days and days of people coming and going to the house

She had lots of great support but found it hard to manage the constant stream of people going in

I know in the UK it was very different and the family home is often private

What have you noticed about traditions where you live?

There is so much judgement on this thread. Often judgement of the main mourners by people who are more removed from the deceased. I find it shoocking.

Funerals are for the living. They’re there to support people through the processing the death of their loved one, although some times relationships are complicated and maybe there was no love. That process involves remembering the past, often the recent times will have been scary and sad and remembering the good times and funny moments is part of that.

My friend’s Dad loved Elvis and so Elvis was played at his funeral. It reminded me of all the chats we had when as teenagers when he dropped us off places. Elvis isn’t my thing but entirely appropriate for him and the celebration of his life.

What if those who loved tou want a traditional funeral? I always find it very odd anyone deciding what should happen after they have died and making decisions on behalf of the ones who left who will actually be doing it.

If my family want to give me a direct cremation or a full mass open to all or anything in-between it couldn't be less to do with me. I won't be there to care.

Wearing black. My family has never worn black for funerals, especially for a teen ❤️. Just come as you are.

I have a special (primark) black funeral coat and bag now for non family funerals.

I prefer wearing dark navy / black / grey.
I also actually prefer the curtain closing, I don't want to walk out on the deceased.
I also think it is fine to be sad at a funeral but then more cheerful in the reception afterwards.

I know traditions evolve, but for me a funeral is part of the saying goodbye and grieving process.

I worry that with direct cremations and wearing bright colours people miss out on an important step of grieving.

But I also recognise that different people need different things.

It's interesting how many people feel that any obvious sign of grieving is somehow not ok. We really are becoming separated from death. One of the main purposes of a funeral is to publicly acknowledge how very sad it is that the person has died. But we seem to be moving away from that with 'celebrating life' and direct cremations.

I don't think this was Scotland wide or at least not by the 80s when I started going to funerals, but in the area my mum came from the women didn't go to the graveside for the burial. They went to the Kirk for the service then the men went on to the burial alone. The women went on to the wake to set up the tea and sandwiches. It was deemed improper for women to be at the graveside. My mum broke the tradition when we buried her Dad and her and I were the only women from the family who were there standing beside the grave as the men lowered her Dad in.

A few years later when we buried her Mum, some male relative couldn't make it to "take a rope" and although I stepped forward to offer my Mum couldn't bring herself to let me do it as my Granny would have found it wrong.

Forward another few years and I took a rope for my Great Aunt as my Mum thought that my GA was more modern thinking and would wholeheartedly approve of me doing it.

I had direct cremations for both of my parents - my DF chose it for himself. It didn't stop me from grieving and I felt no need to publicly acknowledge how sad their deaths were. I also firmly believe a funeral should be a celebration of a person's life and find the ultra traditional way of many UK funerals to be horrible and they seem to have little to do with the person who died, it's more "this is how it's always been done".

Each to our own.

We attended one where the man had died too young of cancer. He had been a very jolly, cheerful type, but of course the atmosphere when we entered the very beautiful old church was very sombre,

However, the coffin was brought in to the loud strains of one of his favourite numbers from HMS Pinafore - he’d been a great G&S fan.

For him, it was entirely appropriate - the atmosphere lifted at once, evoking very happy memories of the man he was.

No one should be telling anyone else what the right or wrong way to do funerals and death is. Every family is different.

I quite like different funerals when they match the person? A traditional sombre one for one person, bright colours and laughter for another.

I found it very cold and judgmental to see an earlier poster refer to other people’s funerals as ‘sterile’. I’d feel troubled to have so little empathy for others. Nobody’s funeral arranged with sincerity by their loved ones is ‘sterile’. I hope nobody thought that at my father’s very traditional funeral just as I hope
nobody thought it was silly when my sisters funeral was colourful and fun.

My own funeral will probably be quite traditional. It won’t be sterile; the people
who loved me most will be there.

The various traditions are fascinating - each to their own, and all, although many of them I wouldn't want for myself or someone close to me.
I have a very logical brain, so I don't understand the concept of "saying goodbye " at a funeral. How can you say goodbye to someone who no longer exists? The time to do it, if you can, is when they're still alive.
So it's direct crematorium for me, and no gathering/wake/get together either. Everyone can just get on with their own lives, and it will be so much simpler and easier. I don't need to be commemorated, in any way, and like most of us through history, will soon be forgotten.

I also dont like people turing up in jeans/joggers especially young people who seem to have no idea that they are waddling along because if they didnt their joggers would fall down and dont get me started on showing your pants.

Yes, last year I did go to a funeral where a couple of youg lads turned up hands in pockets in jeans and a hoodie. Seemed bored of the whole thing but as it was an older person who had died I suspect they just werent guided correctly. If this has been my sons I would have gone mad.

That’s not up to you. Everyone is different.

I hate the wearing black and being sombre, I don't want any black at my funeral. I only wear it in life to work (and occasionally a funeral) and want my funeral to reflect that. But also appreciate that others do want a more traditional funeral, so would be guided by that as an attendee.

The strangest tradition I've come across was when my uncle died abroad. He had married in to the culture, and his funeral reflected that, but not him. There was a open casket in the house for a few days with statues of Jesus and angels. He was very much not religious. The funeral itself was a Catholic mass, and involved opening the coffin again at various points and taking lots off photos of his wife and other family with him.

The "best" funeral I've been to (IYSWIM) was when a friend of mine died. He was young, late 30s. The service was held in a theatre and we were told to wear our most colourful outfits. The friend of his who led the service was dressed as a TARDIS. Someone else was a fairy, there was a wizard. I'm sure it all seemed very odd to anyone else. But was so him. There was also a life sized cardboard cut out of him on the stage next to his coffin. It really was a celebration of his life as well as a mourning at his death.

This is exactly how I feel. I will do the right thing if I’m attending a funeral but for me once someone has died their ‘body’ has no significance to me whatsoever. If it were possible it would suit me and most my close family for the body to be immediately cremated at the local hospital. When my Dad had a direct no service cremation we ordered online and didn’t know when or where it was carried out. It was just what we wanted. He was dead so we didn’t need or want closure. What does closure even mean? I understand that other people don’t see it like that though.

My family are all similar which makes things a lot easier. We have no hang ups talking about death it’s just that we don’t see the ‘death’ part of someone’s life as important.

In Ireland and was at a funeral at the start of the year and was basically shoved over to an open coffin. Was horrible seeing him like that and it’s all I can remember of him at the moment. I wish I hadn’t gone- didn’t know the family and they didn’t know me (he was a distant relative I used to play with as a child) and I’m pretty sure me trying not to cry made everything worse for them. I think funerals help and suit some people, i just find them overwhelming

I've had to "sing out" DHs grandparents in Denmark. Open casket in their home, song some songs, lid goes on, into the hearse then off to church. But they never tell you that shit on all the cutest ooh Denmark is wonderful hygge hygge Instagram accounts!

Surely the wake is the period before the funeral when people keep watch over the body? That’s where it gets its name from. After the funeral, it’s a funeral reception

In England, in my experience, the reception after the ceremony has always been called a wake and it is used very differently from the Irish tradition.

I find the whole British Christian ish funeral etiquette bizarre. I can’t imagine having to wait weeks for a funeral. I love that we have our funerals the next day and nobody gets worried about funeral outfits you go as you are be that in jeans or whatever. I can’t imagine having to choose a service and hymns or a casket. I love we tell the burial society about the death and they do everything, we just turn up and everyone has the same coffin and the same service and is dressed in the same shroud. We go equally as we arrive equally.

I found all the ‘red tape’ before being able to plan mum’s funeral very difficult. There was a problem somewhere at her GPs and the death certificate was not sent to the registrar (I was told the community nurse had certified the death), and not realised until I chased up the registrar’s office. The death then had to go to the Coronor’s office as she had not seen a GP within 28 days of her death, despite having been in hospital for 3 of those weeks and only returned back to her care home on ‘end of life’.

I would have struggled with a funeral in two days, when you are a small family and the other mourners are travelling, that sounds very stressful. But on the other hand when it gets to be 5-6 weeks, that’s a bit too long.

The majority of funerals I’ve attended have been a religious service at the crematorium, some have also included favourite songs of the deceased and I like that, it personalises it a bit more. I am so glad it’s not the norm in my culture for open top coffins. I saw both of my parents after death to say goodbye but wouldn’t have like to have seen them in their coffins. And if mourners were meant to stand in a line at the end of the service- no-one told me that!

I prefer performative mourning to the modern custom of forcing everyone to pretend to be happy.

In a lot of the non conformist churches you have a celebration of the persons life . They often talk about the persons life. Maybe some funny memories about them. Often the burial or cremation is before the service. That’s what we did for my Father the Archers even got a mention as he loved to listen to them and woe beside you if you interrupted. As a family we have never worn black just what people feel comfortable in. Often people will wear the persons favourite colour.

The bit I hate at the moment is the complete guesswork on when a funeral will be.

We've had two family funerals recently and one took place 6 days after the death and the other was 5 weeks. Just because of the time delays in different areas. For the second one we couldn't even get an appointment to register the death for 10 days.

I wouldn't be keen on an open casket. In fact I don't even like seeing the coffin. Just imagining a person inside a box is a bit upsetting and dehumanising.

And sometimes the coffins goes down a travelator thing through a curtain and you just imagine there being a big scary fire behind there.

So I'd prefer to not see a coffin at all. Though obviously people should have whatever they wish.

I've never been to a burial before, only cremations.

I tend to cry quite a bit at funerals. But I don't think I cried at my dad's. I guess I was kind of numb and in shock as I was only a kid.