If you got a big financial leg up from your parents …

[anotherside]

I’m talking a significant amount, at least enough for a comfortable house down payment. So say at least 20-30k and then all the way up to £millions.

So if you received a big cash/property gift from parents, have you always been entirely grateful for it? Or is there some part of you that wishes they hadn’t given you it, in order that you could have achieved (or tried to achieve) everything completely independently.

Wouls be interested to hear thoughts on this (along with how much you actually received if willing to say, as a leg up of say £30k vs £300k vs £1 million is qualitatively pretty different).

This is a really interesting take.

I'm, in my early 50s, in top 10% of earners, but DS training for a job with more average income.

He'll get a lot of job satisfaction, and his job will probably be more useful to the commumity than mine, but I'm so glad I can give him the financial cushion to enable him to do a job he really wants, rather than one which has a better earning potential. He'll have no student loans, I'll be able to give him a significant deposit etc, I know it's unfair, but I don't think it will spoil him.

We got nothing. My parents couldn’t afford, but when FIL died it came to light PIL were millionaires. However we are beholden to no one. MIL went soon in a home and is spending it on care instead. But it leaves us free to retire and travel widely and frequently without worrying about her leaving the oven on or lying on the floor all night. Swings and roundabouts.
We shall start regularly dripping feeding money away to young adult DC very soon.

I am really uncomfortable with the idea that if your parents give you nothing, you owe them nothing by way of care.

My mum has given me nothing except my education, but I will still be caring for her, hopefully in my home. There's more to being a parent than doling out money.

I scrimped and scraped to save for a house deposit for five years after I graduated, during which time my parents went on multiple luxury holidays, splashed out on new cars and even bought a boat. I thought nothing of it at the time, but now I see how generous my PILs are and have always been to my DP, I can't help feeling a small bite of resentment.
Having said that, my DM is exactly the type to loudly proclaim about 'how much they've done' for me, so perhaps the money wouldn't have been worth the inevitable guilt-trip.

My dc aren’t beholden to us. It’s money given freely without strings. This is made absolutely clear to them. We give because we like to help and can afford it and need to reduce liability to IHT.

I think this. It's what DH and I strive to do.

In a world with real problems I couldn't get too worked up - and if I did I'd simply pay it back when I could.

Are you envious of someone who has helpful parents?

To buy our house we had £10k from my side of the family and £10k from my husband's. We then had a further £25k from my family a few years after.

I am eternally grateful, eternally. We would never have managed a deposit on our own and the £25k was all spent on our mortgage, taking years off.

We are so grateful that we have our house and that one day what is ours will belong to our child.

Not a life I’d want for my adult children. And not while I’m sat on a huge pot of money.

Exactly this ⬆️

We've received a few substantial amounts from my parents, not once have I thought it would be better to achieve this in our own, not sure who would TBH.

Because of the above handouts from my parents (and my mum often talks about the inheritance we'll get) we'll be in a good position to help out our own children which we/they are very grateful for.

I am grateful for it. Realistically, I had a difficult childhood (though a financially comfortable one) and I am estranged from my family now (subsequent to and unrelated to the money). I likely won’t get an inheritance in the traditional sense, so to an extent, I think I was owed that money for the anguish I had to go through. I could have afforded all the things I have independently anyway, but it did make life a bit less pressured.

That said, I didn’t have the advantages that my parents had. I didn’t have free childcare like they did for me. I don’t have any practical family support. I’ve had to do everything myself. So while yes, I did have a financial gift that made it easier to buy my house, I’ve actually been much more independent than they were at my age.

I would.

Always grateful, 50k.

Well you dont have to - they can either pay for them themselves or not have holidays.
I can see why its hard to change the norm for yourself in your situation though, if you've grown up in a culture where it was normal to support your parents in a "parental" way once you were an adult, then if you shifted to supporting your children in a "parental" way as adults you would always be putting everyone else first and never being supported by anyone else.
Is probably a middle ground you could find, but I can see why you'd feel resentful if you didn't receive that support from your own parents.

@Holluschickie why?

I got a house, now worth close to a million, yes worth quite a bit, but still in a really rubbish area........................Only just starting to forgive now.

@theriseandfallofFranklinSaint I like having achieved everything on our own.
I feel a certain pride in it

DH feels the same. I would obviously not turn down help in an emergency or if I were ill or unemployed, but I wouldn't want my parents paying for my luxuries like holidays or clothes or meals out. I'd just go without.

@MossAndLeaves I am not resentful. In fact, I am thinking of telling my mum to leave any inheritance to her grandkids ( whatever is left after her care). I don't need it. They may, when AI kicks in.

You are bitter because your parents left you a house worth a million in a rubbish area? Have I got that right?

Our properties should leave out 3 children around £375k each. We renovated properties worked 7 days a week to give us a pension and then leave them an inheritance. However Rachel seems to be grabbing everything she can so who knows what will happen .

From the parents perspective. We gave each DC £50k. They were also taught from an early age about financial management and investment. They are both in moderately paid public sector jobs, saved a lot and bought houses at 24 and 26. We also give them a smaller amount on a regular basis.
They have never been anything other than appreciative of it.
It allowed them to buy a little earlier and slightly better houses than they would have otherwise. They both have large student loans and were given a choice of lump sum or no student loan.

The house itself is quite a nice period detached, but honestly the area is dire, still I suppose I should still be grateful.

Yes, I think you should, tbh.

Husband’s parents gave us a lot of money in smaller chunks (about £300K in total). We are virtually mortgage free and I do not know how we would have coped with double nursery fees and a massive mortgage if we had not had that help. Moreover, the time at which we were able to buy our first flat meant that it massively went up in value. Our lives would look so different had we not had that help, and I’m so grateful every single day.
The only slightly grating thing is that occasionally it is mentioned that they are “self made” and never took a penny off anyone. Obviously we can never claim that. But it comes from a place of pride on their part, and I think they do (deep down) understand that we’re not living in the same economic conditions these days

@truffleruffle If your estate is worth more than £2 million, watch out for IHT exemptions being less. You won’t get your tax break on the family home. I’d give early - 7 years before you die when they are old enough to use it.

There is a woman at work who started out working with us through nepotism as her mum worked with us. The woman is now in her 30s and her mum retired a few years ago. She lives with her parents. The entire home including the elderly grandmas house will go to this woman.

She kept herself to herself and only spoke to her mother at work and never developed any working relationships with other colleagues. As such, she works on her own, with very little social interaction with anyone else. She has never had a bf or relationship. .

In this case, I think it has been a blessing that she has had help from her mum both to secure her a job and also housing as she would struggle if she was left to fend for herself.

I can’t answer at the moment but I’d be happy to take part in an experiment if anyone would like to give me copious amounts of money I will let you know how it all goes for me.