If you got a big financial leg up from your parents …

[anotherside]

I’m talking a significant amount, at least enough for a comfortable house down payment. So say at least 20-30k and then all the way up to £millions.

So if you received a big cash/property gift from parents, have you always been entirely grateful for it? Or is there some part of you that wishes they hadn’t given you it, in order that you could have achieved (or tried to achieve) everything completely independently.

Wouls be interested to hear thoughts on this (along with how much you actually received if willing to say, as a leg up of say £30k vs £300k vs £1 million is qualitatively pretty different).

I don't know anyone who has received money from their parents, however my DIL was gifted £10k when they purchased their house. They'd saved about £30k themselves. The gift was from her grandmother who doesn't believe in bank accounts so was dug out from under the mattress!

It’s ok to have different life priorities!

My first thought was how would anyone not want the money?
I think most would
However I’ve remembered a few people I’ve met, usually high earners, who hated the idea of taking help as they would feel beholden. It was the whole reason they strived to become high earners

Is this for an article @anotherside?

I'm likely one of the few in the ungrateful camp. However it's not that I'm not grateful for the money and support but for what they were trying to do by giving me the money. My parents can be very snobby, they dont look down on others but have a set idea of how my siblings and I should live and will do anything they can to ensure that we do it. I had only been dating my boyfriend at the time for about 8 months, was 24 and my lease was up so we were talking about moving in together. My parents were adamant that we should not be renting at our ages (he was 25). I knew myself it was too soon to buy a place together and pushed back but they went on and on about buying, why renting was such a bad decision financially, etc. They offered to lend us the deposit to buy. Eventually my boyfriend at the time started agreeing with them (of course he did) and then I eventually backed down as well. We took their loan and bought a flat (and paid off their loan in the next few years). It quickly became apparent that we weren't right for each other but I felt tied in because we owned this place together and eventually we married but then divorced a few years later. I honestly think that had we been renting I would have left him way sooner and we would never have gotten married and I often wonder what my life would have been had they not been so forceful about me taking the deposit to buy. I am obviously grateful that they got me on the housing ladder, but less so that it was done in such a forceful way when my gut told me that buying with my boyfriend of 8 months was not the right thing to do and I had been very vocal about it.

Over the years it has become apparent how much they have tried to control mine and my siblings' lives and they will use any means possible of doing it, including financial where possible. I am now almost 40 and still find dealing with their control very difficult.

Hard to put a figure on exactly how much DHs family gave us as it wasn't all in one go - an acre of land to build on, paid for our bathrooms, our aga and our blinds and later on paid about £40k off our mortgage (the outstanding balance at the time). Probably in excess of around £100k ish in total then?

Never once have I wished they hadn't helped us. Not even when DS was born and they kept "popping in" in every 5 minutes. I still recognised how incredibly privileged we were to have been gifted so much.

I was offered financial help but refused it (just not my thing, but don’t judge others who get financial help). I wanted to do everything independently. Parents are very well off and have helped siblings substantially, which I don’t begrudge.

My son inherited over 250k from my parents
I actually asked them to leave it directly to him rather than me

he ( with my advice ) has bought a house with his partner ( protected his deposit by way of deed of trust ) and still has a significant amount left

they have a tiny mortgage and a lovely life
in know from what he often says is that he is very grateful for the help he has been given

I’m also very generous with him giving him cash and gifts as well

We received 20k for a house deposit.

Eternally grateful - it’s saved us thousands by getting us in the ladder early. I’ve never considered a true gift though as we will pass whatever the equivalent of 20k is onto each of our children when they want to buy. Thats not something we would have been able to to do without the 20k.

Yes, we had some generous help with money from one side and help with children from the other. It helped us get started in a business and we have already helped our adult DCs. With more to come later for them.

How does that work for their relationship?

I'm considering doing something similar for DS, but I'm not sure I'd love to be in the GF's shoes, with such inequality in the ownership of our home.

Good question. And some lovely responses.

My PIL are kind of a way not to do it. So we hear a lot of pulling themselves up by their bootstraps stories and less about the several substantial inheritances.

They are also terrible at being tax efficient (not making the most of ISAs and then fretting over capital gains) and are in the inheritance tax will be paid bracket.

They've inherited than used two houses as buy to let's running each into a poor state of repair before being sold as projects. We think one of these was actually left to the kids to be divided and would have been so, so useful at the time for all three but the PIL kept it for income, which already being higher tax rate for their pensions probably wasn't necessary. They then split the proceeds at the sale but held back at least half.

We've had chunks of 20k probably every ten years, mostly when a sibling in law needed a boost. We are grateful but it's given so grudgingly so 'know your place'. The PIL are so judgy if anyone younger appears to do better than them - kitchens, lawnmowers, holidays they really struggle if one of their kids buys or does 'better'. When we've a sum it has to be carefully squirreled away and no big ticket items bought for a couple of years.
It's been fascinating watching and I am determined that my kids share any good fortune sooner rather than later.

Agree - DH and I didn’t get a leg up, but we started out in the 90’s and were lucky with the market/interest rates etc. Now we plan to downsize and give each of our kids a huge leg up as - frankly - I can’t see how they will ever do it on grad salaries. I’d rather we pay their loans off and give them the cash now a) so the tax man doesn’t get any (more) of it and b) so we can (selfishly) see the effect that money will have on their lives.

Oh I know this one well - MIL the first time she visited trid to tell us which bedroom she owned and told us how she wanted it decorated 🙄 of course it was the bigger bedroom. Thankfully DH (and FIL now deceased sadly) shut her down very quickly.

Thankfully 2 bedroom house and 2 children means there isn't space for her to stay anymore. But she is also the reason we won't move to a bigger property as she would expect to stay.

In my mind the money isn't worth the catches it comes with but I leave it to my DH as its his relationship with her to manage. She's also called me a gold digger in the past so I'm very clear its his gifted money to do with as he chooses (which is comical because I out earn my DH and its me that's FT).

I massively appreciate the money we've received from grandparents. £30k for a deposit, a loan to allow us to get out of negative equity and buy then £50k at 30 which we used to pay off the loan and fix some issues, £20k that went on solar panels and other home improvements and 10 years later £70k which will pay off our mortgage (although looking to relocate and pay more). We've been very financially careful and have been overpaying on the mortgage and saving as much as possible, cheap UK holidays and cheap cars etc.

I feel awkward to have received so much, we're at such an advantage compared to friends without so much help. But always grateful.

What a weird question. £20k to help with my house deposit , plus helped me pay my living expenses at university.

Always hugely grateful but I wish I had expressed it more; it was money my parents worked so hard for, and were so proud to be able to set me up with a good future.

Looking back now they are dead, I wish I could tell them how very much i appreciated them and respected their spendthrifty habits.

£100k to buy a house, the same for my sister.
£20k for my wedding, and we were allowed to keep whatever we didn’t spend of that money.

I am eternally grateful and it has set us up so well. I hope to do the same for my DC.

Eternally grateful! I got a house deposit - having spent ten years in HMOs trying to save while my rent increased above inflation every year.

My financial planning is now quite focused on what I will be able to provide my own children; I feel a responsibility to do so, given the state of the housing market/ job market.

That's just shy of 11% of the bungalow cost so I would consider it very generous too. What a lovely thing for your dad to do. I really hope I can do this for my children some day

I received £30k for my first house. I am eternally grateful to my parents who I am obsessed with to this day. My children also think they are wonderful.

We received 10k as a deposit from my husbands
grandparents for a deposit our house then when they both passed away another 30k. I have always been eternally grateful to them. It meant that we could pay off our mortgage and live a comfortable life with our son. We also saved really hard to do this. Now would I have preferred they were around to meet my son...absolutely!he would have brought them so much joy!

God. No - never!!

I had my university paid for, my postgraduate degree paid for, I’ve had getting on for £400k for house purchases, plus other things over the years for weddings and holidays and healthcare when needed. It’s an absolute blessing. I’m so grateful, I’ve never felt any need to “do it independently”.

Why would I? I’m a hard worker with a good job but I am very privileged with lots of help. I simply can’t understand looking gift horses in the mouth.

We didn't. Although DH inherited a considerable amount when his parents passed away.

We gifted DD1 a large amount which enabled her and her boyfriend to buy a small apartment in the nicest part of town, right after she graduated.

We will do the same for DD2 when she graduates next year.

I can't think of a better use of our money to be honest.

I saved my deposit myself. It would have been nice to have help but I’m proud to have set myself the challenge and achieved it. It wasn’t the best house and it was in a rubbish area but it got me on the ladder and I have never regretted that choice.

400K?!!!😲