Three months into a separation. When does it get better?

[user2466]

Hi,

My ex husband and I separated three months ago and it still hurts so much. When does it get better? I feel so guilty for our daughter.

Don't feel guilty. If it was the right thing for you and your husband, it'll be the right thing for your daughter, I promise.

Christmas is a horrible time for this sort of thing; even if you felt ok a few weeks ago, it's very natural it'll all be hitting you now. My ex and I split up at the end of November and that first Christmas was brutal. But it does get better! Once you get into your own routines, and you begin to feel you've got a family identity that is 'you plus daughter' rather than 'half of a marriage that used to exist,' it will be much easier. Doing lots of little routine things helps; so does making small new traditions (Friday night is dessert in bed while you watch TV together; Saturday mornings are pancakes ... whatever).

Good luck!

You’ve made the right decision, but it’s definitely a grieving process that will take time. Go easy on yourself, many on MN won’t agree but kids a resilient your daughter will be fine.

Christmas is a bit like an emotional magnifying glass, when you feel happy & content it makes you feel great but when you feel anxious & said it amplifies that feeling.

Wishing you a peaceful Christmas

Thank you @SarahAndQuack and @LML1989AL when does it start hurting less? When do you come to accept the reality of the situation? Feels like these last three months have been the longest three months of my life

I'm nearly 3 years in, it started to become easier after a year for me. There were fewer "firsts".

I'm still nostalgic for the life I thought I had. I'm not ready for another relationship either, but I am happy with my life, in some ways happier.

It takes time, accept it and don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. Time really does help.

I'm only a month in if you need a buddy? I've got three kids and I'm frazzled. I don't think I've had time to grieve anything yet and I'm expecting to crumble into a pile when Christmas comes and I'm finally not working.

@aelfgifu2 I remember the month in stage. All I did was cry 🙃 it was awful. Definitely would help to have a buddy as it can get so lonely.

The ‘firsts’ are what hurt the most @FruitBadger alongside mourning the life you thought you’d have. My daughter is only two so I still have to interact with him and it’s just so hard. I really hope I can look back in a years time and hope it worked out for the best - although right now I struggle to see it that way

How do you feel now @user2466?

I'm not doing so bad, all things considered. My STBXH still spends a lot of time in our home but I can see my kids need it and find it reassuring. He comes and cooks meals so at least I get something out of it too.