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Original poster

So sad..DP thinks we shouldn't have another DC due to finances/ cost of living.

59 replies

Sailawaygirl · 08/12/2025 22:02

We have a lovely DC who is 2yrs. I am older mum 38 so time not on my side and in my head I am happy to try again for another next year.
I always planned 2 because I am an only child and felt so lonely growing up
DP says if money was not an issue then he would want another. We managing ok on band 4 and band 7 nhs salaries ( I'm the band 7 but part time (30hrs)) . We don't feel like we have any extra money in the accounts at the end of the month compared to a few years ago despite going up pay grades and we are both top of our pay grade now. we haven't done a holiday this year.
We have done quite a few house things and I needed some expensive dental work this year. So we don't have as much in savings as we would like (about £ 6) and do have 1 big credit card which I am paying off ( used for the dental work and a new door !)
DP is pretty crap with budgeting he buys coffees and sandwiches instead of taking a flask to work and I've been buying more lunch out but mainly cause I've had less energy and time to do lunches with a toddler. This is definitely the main area we can save money!
I'm so sad it feels that we can't afford another DC.
I know people manage on much less joint income and also read the comments here about how irresponsible it is to have credit card debt and extra children when you can't afford them.
I'm just so sad to realise that planning another baby isn't very wise financially.
Im trying to count my blessing and I'm so thankful for having a lovely DC but I've saved all his baby things for a second Baby and I'm just too sad to get rid of them yet.

OP posts:
ChikinLikin · 08/12/2025 22:05

If you really want another baby it would be a shame not to. You will manage financially.

LiteraryBambi · 08/12/2025 22:10

You already can't afford holidays or to save money. Your DH is being scrutinised for buying coffee and sandwiches. Really, do you want to make life even more sad and joyless when there is no need?

Also, putting two through university is not cheap. If you're both on okayish salaries, the DC are unlikely to get much by way of maintenance loans so it will fall to you.

Give one a great life rather than two a small life.

Original poster
Sailawaygirl · 08/12/2025 22:15

LiteraryBambi · 08/12/2025 22:10

You already can't afford holidays or to save money. Your DH is being scrutinised for buying coffee and sandwiches. Really, do you want to make life even more sad and joyless when there is no need?

Also, putting two through university is not cheap. If you're both on okayish salaries, the DC are unlikely to get much by way of maintenance loans so it will fall to you.

Give one a great life rather than two a small life.

This is what DP is saying and I get the logic But I feel like my heart is breaking.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Cost of living Families
LiteraryBambi · 08/12/2025 22:18

Sailawaygirl · 08/12/2025 22:15

This is what DP is saying and I get the logic But I feel like my heart is breaking.

Show quote history

Lots of people only have one and all is fine. Your child will only feel it if you make a big deal of it.

Imonmyway · 08/12/2025 22:22

Depending where you are,your first might be either at nursery school or receiving 30 free hours?

Either likely to go up a band?

Zov · 08/12/2025 22:25

The golden rule is that the one who doesn't want a baby/another baby trumps the one who does. You can't make someone have a baby who doesn't want one.

Be happy with one. You can give your one child a much better life with just one, than if you have two, and are struggling financially. And resentment will set in with your DH.

And there is no guarantee the two children will get on - ever.

herbalteabag · 08/12/2025 22:25

I'm not sure I would have any children if we'd spent too much time overthinking about whether we could afford them. Everything turned out fine though.

Original poster
Sailawaygirl · 08/12/2025 22:27

Imonmyway · 08/12/2025 22:22

Depending where you are,your first might be either at nursery school or receiving 30 free hours?

Either likely to go up a band?

No. I'm not band 8 / manger material and DP can't go up without retaining as an OT or similar. He's looking for jobs outside of NHS but they aren't that much better pay. We get the 30hrs free anyway which is amazing. So short term it would be fine.
I think it's paying for the extra holidays and activities and planning for higher education that DP is thinking about.
Like @LiteraryBambi said

OP posts:
Original poster
Sailawaygirl · 08/12/2025 22:32

We had planned to try in New year ( DP has had to come off some medication) so he was for it a little while ago but changed his mind in last few weeks.
I'm worried I'm going to regret not having another in time

OP posts:
frostytimes · 08/12/2025 22:39

I think you should have another. If you want it this much you’ll always feel sadness. You will afford it somehow and you’ll never regret another child. If you’re not going on holidays or having extra cash anyway then you aren’t really going to me sacrificing anything anyway! Who knows what the world will be like when your kids are adults and not everyone needs or wants to go ro university. Degrees aren’t worth much anymore anyway! I think do it!

Cluborange666 · 08/12/2025 22:44

I always said we couldn’t really afford DC 2 but I am so glad we had him. We had a few hard years but it all worked out ok. My kids (16 and 20 now) adore each other and we are a close family. We haven’t had a foreign holiday (ever) but that’s not a priority for us anyway.

Bobiverse · 08/12/2025 22:50

frostytimes · 08/12/2025 22:39

I think you should have another. If you want it this much you’ll always feel sadness. You will afford it somehow and you’ll never regret another child. If you’re not going on holidays or having extra cash anyway then you aren’t really going to me sacrificing anything anyway! Who knows what the world will be like when your kids are adults and not everyone needs or wants to go ro university. Degrees aren’t worth much anymore anyway! I think do it!

They can’t afford it. Her husband doesn’t want one. People need to start being more responsible instead of having kids who won’t be provided for.

LouLouGirl123456 · 08/12/2025 22:55

I’ve often heard it said that you’ll never ever regret having a baby but you might regret not having one down the line.

Bobiverse · 08/12/2025 22:58

LouLouGirl123456 · 08/12/2025 22:55

I’ve often heard it said that you’ll never ever regret having a baby but you might regret not having one down the line.

What? Are you saying anyone who ever had an abortion regrets it? I had one. Never had a day of regret over it. It was absolutely the right decision for me, and I do not regret not having that child.

And from someone who worked in mental health, lots of people repeat having children. It’s pretty awful. Don’t spread nonsense sayings which don’t mean anything and help no one.

OP and her husband need to make a choice that works for them and their marriage, nothing to do with “I’ve heard it said.”

He doesn’t want one.

frostytimes · 08/12/2025 23:00

LouLouGirl123456 · 08/12/2025 22:55

I’ve often heard it said that you’ll never ever regret having a baby but you might regret not having one down the line.

Yes I think this is true as well

Kiki234 · 08/12/2025 23:02

Honestly the second child is not very expensive. You just use all the older child's things.

TalulahJP · 08/12/2025 23:03

It might make more financial sense for him to go part time and you to go full time?

I know that means you won’t spend as much time with dc aftwr mat leave but once they go to school you won’t see them during the day anyway?!

Id not wait at age 38. A decision needs made soon.

Kiki234 · 08/12/2025 23:03

Bobiverse · 08/12/2025 22:58

What? Are you saying anyone who ever had an abortion regrets it? I had one. Never had a day of regret over it. It was absolutely the right decision for me, and I do not regret not having that child.

And from someone who worked in mental health, lots of people repeat having children. It’s pretty awful. Don’t spread nonsense sayings which don’t mean anything and help no one.

OP and her husband need to make a choice that works for them and their marriage, nothing to do with “I’ve heard it said.”

He doesn’t want one.

Show quote history

She said "might" ...

InterestQ · 08/12/2025 23:04

Bobiverse · 08/12/2025 22:58

What? Are you saying anyone who ever had an abortion regrets it? I had one. Never had a day of regret over it. It was absolutely the right decision for me, and I do not regret not having that child.

And from someone who worked in mental health, lots of people repeat having children. It’s pretty awful. Don’t spread nonsense sayings which don’t mean anything and help no one.

OP and her husband need to make a choice that works for them and their marriage, nothing to do with “I’ve heard it said.”

He doesn’t want one.

Show quote history

Clearly not what’s being said. 🙄

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 08/12/2025 23:07

You get one life, would you want to go through it without a second child, always regretting it? A child is priceless, as long as you can provide for them then I wouldn’t pass this opportunity based on today’s finances.

Bobiverse · 08/12/2025 23:07

InterestQ · 08/12/2025 23:04

Clearly not what’s being said. 🙄

Show quote history

“You’ll never ever regret having a baby.”

Yes, many people do. And many people choose to abort so they don’t have to feel that, and they are complete comfortable with having aborting.

It’s a ridiculous saying which adds nothing helpful.

SeaDragon17 · 08/12/2025 23:07

Kiki234 · 08/12/2025 23:02

Honestly the second child is not very expensive. You just use all the older child's things.

Unless you want to go on holiday, send them to uni, go out for dinner….etc etc

The second child then becomes massively more expensive and also prolongs spending by the age gap (so about 3 years in this case).

I really think people block out what they don’t want to see when it comes to the costs of kids.

Springbaby2023 · 08/12/2025 23:08

I disagree with people who have said that having a second isn’t much more money. We have really noticed the financial impact and our youngest is still only 2. New shoes, days out, new clothes (we have a lot of hand me downs but still need to get them some new things, even vinted isn’t cheap these days), double the amount on Christmas presents, and our food bill has definitely gone up. We didn’t get the 30 funded hours this young with my eldest and wasn’t expecting it with youngest (was announced while pregnant) and even that hasn’t made us feel really any better off due to all the costs of the above which while we’d obviously expected to some extent, we hadn’t really planned for.

I get your heartache though. I would have a third for sure if it wasn’t for the cost so I do get it.

sittingonabeach · 08/12/2025 23:12

The regret thing is rubbish, there are quite a few parents who do regret having another child but don't like to admit it publicly.

An only child does not have to be lonely. Sad only children tend to be sad down to the way they were parented not the lack of siblings. There are quite a few children with siblings who also feel lonely.

A second child is expensive if you reduce earnings during maternity leave and have to pay childcare. Teenagers are expensive and higher education is even more expensive.

If you hardly have any savings you would be mad to stretch your income even further by having another child.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 08/12/2025 23:13

You can't insist but you can sit down with him, say how important it is to you and see if you can plan it out.

I think it's a bit barmy to push to 3 kids if it's a stretch, but wanting two is different - nothing wrong with having an only child of course, but it's pretty normal to want a family of two and for your child to have a sibling.

Regardless of what decision you take in the end, it's important you really discuss it, else you will be carrying sadness and resentment which is no good for your marriage.

It's barking that a duel income family can't afford 2 kids, and it's not good for the UK's future, so I am sorry you are in this situation