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Original poster

So sad..DP thinks we shouldn't have another DC due to finances/ cost of living.

59 replies

Sailawaygirl · 08/12/2025 22:02

We have a lovely DC who is 2yrs. I am older mum 38 so time not on my side and in my head I am happy to try again for another next year.
I always planned 2 because I am an only child and felt so lonely growing up
DP says if money was not an issue then he would want another. We managing ok on band 4 and band 7 nhs salaries ( I'm the band 7 but part time (30hrs)) . We don't feel like we have any extra money in the accounts at the end of the month compared to a few years ago despite going up pay grades and we are both top of our pay grade now. we haven't done a holiday this year.
We have done quite a few house things and I needed some expensive dental work this year. So we don't have as much in savings as we would like (about £ 6) and do have 1 big credit card which I am paying off ( used for the dental work and a new door !)
DP is pretty crap with budgeting he buys coffees and sandwiches instead of taking a flask to work and I've been buying more lunch out but mainly cause I've had less energy and time to do lunches with a toddler. This is definitely the main area we can save money!
I'm so sad it feels that we can't afford another DC.
I know people manage on much less joint income and also read the comments here about how irresponsible it is to have credit card debt and extra children when you can't afford them.
I'm just so sad to realise that planning another baby isn't very wise financially.
Im trying to count my blessing and I'm so thankful for having a lovely DC but I've saved all his baby things for a second Baby and I'm just too sad to get rid of them yet.

OP posts:
Ferrissia · 08/12/2025 23:15

I think a lot of it is unexpected costs too - like your dental work. Having a second child will at least double (probably more given your age and consequent risk of having a child with higher needs) your chances of having unexpected medical costs present themselves - costs that can be significant enough to derail your savings track or land you in real financial trouble.

Along with this, as you've also pointed out - people's circumstances change, and the future is less certain these days. Costs are likely to continue to increase, and your family's ability to make money may decline further with changes to what job markets look like.

sittingonabeach · 08/12/2025 23:17

@Sailawaygirl if you are struggling with time already how will you mamage with another child?

Glamba · 08/12/2025 23:20

Kiki234 · 08/12/2025 23:02

Honestly the second child is not very expensive. You just use all the older child's things.

This doesn't really fly when they are 17 and 19. Driving lessons £65 each, hall fees £200pw. You don't have to pay for either of course, but we really had no idea of the scale of how much more expensive they would get in this phase of life.

Onlies are underrated. Lean into it, keep playing with them and communicating with them and prioritise them as much as you would a sibling pair. There is a great deal of joy in this for you all.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Cost of living Families
suburberphobe · 08/12/2025 23:21

If you really want another baby it would be a shame not to. You will manage financially.

Mumsnet is usually away with the fairies anyway.

Yea, right. How are you yourself doing by the way? He could leave you tomorrow.

With the COL, no housing, job insecurity,--and most of the awful fathers you read about here every day...

Have fabulous sex but get your fucking contraceptive seen to.

If you can't even put a roof over your own head, how will you manage with children?

Oh, and don't expect your elderly parents, or family to take up the slack. Everyone has their own situation to deal with.....

Tourmalines · 08/12/2025 23:31

suburberphobe · 08/12/2025 23:21

If you really want another baby it would be a shame not to. You will manage financially.

Mumsnet is usually away with the fairies anyway.

Yea, right. How are you yourself doing by the way? He could leave you tomorrow.

With the COL, no housing, job insecurity,--and most of the awful fathers you read about here every day...

Have fabulous sex but get your fucking contraceptive seen to.

If you can't even put a roof over your own head, how will you manage with children?

Oh, and don't expect your elderly parents, or family to take up the slack. Everyone has their own situation to deal with.....

I agree with your last paragraph, that’s what a lot of people do .

MsCactus · 08/12/2025 23:33

Surely not having a wanted second child is a permanent solution to a temporary problem (finances too tight?) I presume you can both make more money if you want to, but you can't get more time re your fertility. Personally, I'd budget aggressively and have the second DC - then both look for better paying jobs.

aquaaerobicschaos · 09/12/2025 13:07

If you went full-time you would be about £500 a month better off, it would make sense for you to be FT and husband PT (if either of need to be PT), do you think your husband could maybe be using the money as an excuse and he actually is done with 1( which is entirely reasonable)

Nutmuncher · 09/12/2025 13:10

If you’re just getting by with one, a second will bring low key background misery and struggle. Spoil the one ans best you can and be thankful you didn’t make the mistake of an expensive second.

Original poster
Sailawaygirl · 09/12/2025 13:56

suburberphobe · 08/12/2025 23:21

If you really want another baby it would be a shame not to. You will manage financially.

Mumsnet is usually away with the fairies anyway.

Yea, right. How are you yourself doing by the way? He could leave you tomorrow.

With the COL, no housing, job insecurity,--and most of the awful fathers you read about here every day...

Have fabulous sex but get your fucking contraceptive seen to.

If you can't even put a roof over your own head, how will you manage with children?

Oh, and don't expect your elderly parents, or family to take up the slack. Everyone has their own situation to deal with.....

WTF ?
Where have I said that DP is shit father?
OR that we dont have a roof over our head
OR that I really on elderly relatives!!
Shit ..do you really go through life thinking that badly of others. Shame one you . I'm glad you are obviously the most amazing person in the world to be able to look down on everyone!!

Everyone else . Its really interesting to see how your views are very split and that is how I feel. This morning after talking my self round to the sensible view of sticking to one amd done, DP has said he's thought about it more and doesn't want money to be the main reason not to try for another ! So we are both going to and throw. We will see how we feel after Xmas.

OP posts:
BlackCatFanClub · 09/12/2025 14:02

If you feel like you aren’t managing then how would you pay for maternity leave.
I think an extra child can be managed. I don’t think the same of 2 teenagers. You could easily end up with 2 at uni at the same time depending on what they do. The costs are astronomical.
unless you think your earning potential increases then hes being sensible. I only have one, she has ASD and I had to stop working to support her a few years ago. Luckily we are okay financially on DHs wage.

Overthebow · 09/12/2025 14:03

Sailawaygirl · 08/12/2025 22:27

No. I'm not band 8 / manger material and DP can't go up without retaining as an OT or similar. He's looking for jobs outside of NHS but they aren't that much better pay. We get the 30hrs free anyway which is amazing. So short term it would be fine.
I think it's paying for the extra holidays and activities and planning for higher education that DP is thinking about.
Like @LiteraryBambi said

Show quote history

It does sound like at the moment you can’t afford another DC without impacting on your current lifestyle or future for you DC. You both need to be on board to make those sacrifices if you were to have another and it doesn’t sound like your DH is wanting to do that. You say though that you are the band 7 and part time, whist your DH is band 4 full time. If you did want another it may make sense for you to be full time and your DH to be part time instead? It would get you more mat pay and a higher income.

Overthebow · 09/12/2025 14:07

Having just done a very rough calculation I think you may be £300 up a month take home pay if you and DH switched being part time which could make a big difference.

Bobiverse · 09/12/2025 14:21

Sailawaygirl · 09/12/2025 13:56

WTF ?
Where have I said that DP is shit father?
OR that we dont have a roof over our head
OR that I really on elderly relatives!!
Shit ..do you really go through life thinking that badly of others. Shame one you . I'm glad you are obviously the most amazing person in the world to be able to look down on everyone!!

Everyone else . Its really interesting to see how your views are very split and that is how I feel. This morning after talking my self round to the sensible view of sticking to one amd done, DP has said he's thought about it more and doesn't want money to be the main reason not to try for another ! So we are both going to and throw. We will see how we feel after Xmas.

Show quote history

To and fro, not to and throw.

Money is an issue when having kids and it’s stupid to ignore it. But if you’re going to wait a few months while you think, can you maybe look into how it would work if you went full time and he went part time? If that money shift would make a big enough difference?

Balloonhearts · 09/12/2025 14:29

I agree, switch roles. At the moment you cannot afford another child and it would be irresponsible to have one. If you had a higher income and he was the sahp, that may tip the scales.

Original poster
Sailawaygirl · 09/12/2025 14:36

I will go full time again as soon as toddler is in school. However I'm really enjoying have a day with them. DP work condensed hrs over 4 days so, little one is in nursery for 3 days which is working really well and we both enjoy have a day each with DC.
Maternity leave I might just take 9 months if I got pregnant again.

OP posts:
SpeedwellBlue · 09/12/2025 14:38

I think one of these days as a country we'll regret that hard working families felt unable to have a couple of children. We're an ageing population and we need young people!

Laptopinthelivingroom · 09/12/2025 14:45

I think in your circumstances I would go for it, but I'd increase my hours to 4 days a week and get DH to drop a day if possible.

Edited as I see you work 4 days a week. Could you work ft over 4 days?

Overthebow · 09/12/2025 14:54

Sailawaygirl · 09/12/2025 14:36

I will go full time again as soon as toddler is in school. However I'm really enjoying have a day with them. DP work condensed hrs over 4 days so, little one is in nursery for 3 days which is working really well and we both enjoy have a day each with DC.
Maternity leave I might just take 9 months if I got pregnant again.

This may have to be your sacrifice though if you want a second DC, you could bring in more money and be able to afford a second DC more comfortably if you switched PT roles round. It’s okay to feel sad about it, but there’s are potential solutions if you want to do something about it.

shhblackbag · 09/12/2025 15:02

LouLouGirl123456 · 08/12/2025 22:55

I’ve often heard it said that you’ll never ever regret having a baby but you might regret not having one down the line.

It's also very likely she'll regret having another kid with someone who has expressly said he doesn't want more children.

DP is pretty crap with budgeting he buys coffees and sandwiches instead of taking a flask to work

Yeah, I would feel the same as him. How are you going to afford another child if you're obsessing about takeaway coffee?

calminggreen · 09/12/2025 15:02

The thing is you want another baby but aren’t prepared to give up time with your current child working full time and you want to be able to take 9 months maternity leave - you can’t have it all your own ways

if you really wanted another child you’d demonstrate to your husband that you could actually afford it and what sacrifices you led have to make

Mauro711 · 09/12/2025 15:05

Kiki234 · 08/12/2025 23:02

Honestly the second child is not very expensive. You just use all the older child's things.

Really? You cannot honestly believe that the main cost of raising a child for 18 years+ is toys and clothes. What about childcare costs, drivers licences, uni costs, airplane seats, hobbies, swimming lessons, presents etc.

Children are hughely expensive, and the baby stage is definitely not when it peaks.

Autocorrect23 · 09/12/2025 15:34

sittingonabeach · 08/12/2025 23:12

The regret thing is rubbish, there are quite a few parents who do regret having another child but don't like to admit it publicly.

An only child does not have to be lonely. Sad only children tend to be sad down to the way they were parented not the lack of siblings. There are quite a few children with siblings who also feel lonely.

A second child is expensive if you reduce earnings during maternity leave and have to pay childcare. Teenagers are expensive and higher education is even more expensive.

If you hardly have any savings you would be mad to stretch your income even further by having another child.

Absolutely this. I really don’t agree with the assumption that only children are lonely simply because they don’t have siblings, it’s much more about the parenting and the environment they grow up in. People do regret having more children sometimes, it’s just not something that’s talked about openly. OP, I’m sure you wouldn’t regret another baby because it’s something you genuinely want, but your husband might feel differently. It really depends on the kind of life you both want. Two children are definitely more expensive, and it’s worth thinking about whether having another child would mean working much more just to keep up which ultimately ends in not having a great quality of life... especially if you’re worried about him buying a coffee now!! If that’s something you’re comfortable with, then absolutely go for it!

Bobiverse · 09/12/2025 15:40

SpeedwellBlue · 09/12/2025 14:38

I think one of these days as a country we'll regret that hard working families felt unable to have a couple of children. We're an ageing population and we need young people!

A few generations having a harder time of it in old age would overall be beneficial for the world. A smaller population really is a good goal.

overwork · 09/12/2025 15:40

This is so hard. If your husband only concern is money, then you both have to try and increase your earnings. Are you clinical - could you do a weekend per month bank? Assume he’s not if he’s B4, can he switch to admin, take the courses offered and move up the bands that way, over do the NHS manager program? Can you do compressed hours over 4 days, or even 4.5 in 4 to bring in more money? Or, you take all the wonderful advice on here and enjoy giving your only child a brilliant childhood whilst you both keep your careers and don’t have to push yourselves. Both valid choices and both with positives and negatives

peonysinthesun · 09/12/2025 15:48

To the people who say think about affording higher education for them, that’s a problem for in 15 years time and a lot can happen in between! We made having the second one work and it was the best thing we ever done, also in that time surprise job changes, pay rises, extra money all these things have helped.