Found messages to other women

[Amy8]

Well we have seen this type of post on here a million times - so it’s cliche to even write this , and annoyed with myself for being “that stupid woman,” who’s putting up with his excuses but gut instinct is i do believe him

Found messages on husbands phone to other women - them advertising sexual services, so guess off some app or other, he said never met any of them and he would never.

just makes me sick more with the predictability of it all - he’s a great dad and partner , does pretty much everything at home…

we've kids , a house blah blah

what to do now ? This isn’t a question as to whether I stay or leave. I’ll stay or rather let him, but the trust is going to be hard to build again

You’re obvs going to stay and put up with it, so not sure what help any of us can be - I would divorce him (and did). You say the relationship is worth the work - I really hope he puts the same effort in. I doubt it though, I think after the dust has settled he’ll be doing it again, he’ll just more careful to avoid getting caught. Good luck for the future.

He contacted the sex workers because he's doing an anthropology research OP 🤣

Jokes apart: he's paying for sex OP. Your husband wants his cake and eat it too: the family, money, social and an ongoing variety of pussy that is not going to make demands. You can either play along like you saw nothing or confront him. OF COURSE he's going to say :" I just looked at their ads but didn't contact them" 🤣 Unless blatantly obvious or caught in the act NO man would admit he pays for sex.

I said I was going to stay put

but what I didn’t think is that I’d not have a single woman understanding why

mums net is wild and many women here happy to see relationships torn apart of a misdemeanour
call it defensive

but it’s actually not supportive , I’ve no way to raise kids alone and won’t do that to them

He’s not paying for sex

I’ve control of finances

People’s imaginations run wild on here

Yes OP, I too tend to contact plumbers on my free time just for the giggles as I need no plumbing services.

If a man is sending messages to prostitutes then he’s got no respect for women!
why would you even consider trying to build the trust up?
Hes got no respect for you either!

That’s fair enough, and I truly hope it works out for you both. There have been many women and men before us who have managed to overcome these hiccups in relationships. I respect also that you are open enough to acknowledge that you may have some work to do. You are not responsible for him doing this to you, please know that, but I understand that there may be areas you may feel you haven’t fulfilled him and want to work at that.

I wish you all the best, OP. It must have been so painful to find those messages, but I hope you can work through it and reach a happier place for you both xx

Kick to the kerb you deserve better.

So.. he’s actively using dating apps to seek women out? It just turns out these women (you assume) are fake profiles? That’s IMO worse than reaching out to sex workers. He’s acting very much like a single man and trying to make genuine connections with unsuspecting single women, who won’t know he’s married.

How does the OP know the profiles are fake?

(weird stuff)

Well you’re obviously very determined to forgive and forget so why have you made this thread?
Just carry on as normal and we won’t say ‘we told you so’ when he does it again.

I’m going to be super controversial. On the proviso nothing like this hasn’t happened before, I think people deserve a second chance (singular not plural). Obviously, new boundaries need drawing and if you are going to work it out, the likelihood is you will need couple therapy and that in and of itself is a lot of work for both of you. Ask yourselves why this happened, lots of people (male and female) seek connections and aren’t actually looking for a way to leave, but a way to stay.

Ok, maybe you're an arsey twat who doesn't deserve better.

🤣

Sex work is just not an earner ..All these enquiries but no one meets and pays for services.
Aye pull the other one ..it has bells on.

Why stay? What is there to salvage? Why stay with someone who would do that? I would much rather be alone!

“Women advertising sexual services” obviously sounds like sex workers OP. Now you say they were just on a dating app (but fake profiles)

Yep, We've gone from sex workers to "fake" dating profiles (and the OP knows they're fake because...?)

I agree, this thread makes no sense.

"Everyone commenting would leave?"
Yes here. I have no kids, my own assets
and a nice amount of money in another country.
I appreciate everyone's different.
I wouldn't even waste my time to get to the "truth" with such a man.
And yes, I'm married (20 years).

Yes. And I did. My ex had an emotional affair with a woman he met. I asked him outright. He gave the old , I'm sorry it won't happen again blah blah.
Damn right he got home from work the next day with all his belongings in a bag on the lawn.

Funnily enough he went on to cheat on his next partner who had just had his baby.

He was a textbook great partner, did loads eith the dcs , around the home , fair share of helping kids do homework , clubs and whatever needed doing.

Right, you chose a direction, though many will judge and see the situation as it is: you settling for someone who didn’t meet you halfway. Understand that people will view this as you accepting behavior that wasn’t fair to women in general. He had feelings for someone else, invested in another woman, and you ended up pleading for changes that he should have made on his own long ago, instead of you begging and bending. Without real accountability, the pattern will probably remain the same. But ultimately, you’re the one who knows your life and whether this relationship is worth continuing and what else is going on.

Good luck with your next phase anyway. Keep your eyes open.

All you can do going forward then is swallow down the resentment. Keep checking his phone daily, more than once a day. Check his deleted messages as well. Keep tabs on his whereabouts as much as you can. Maybe fit his car with a tracker. Get yourself tested for stds occasionally. Convince yourself its because of your appearance and try your best to improve yourself accordingly. Use it for amo anytime you have future arguments. Keep swallowing down the resentment as its not going anywhere.

Honestly, I do understand when women stay. For their kids, through fear of the unknown, for financial reasons etc. But I think you will be in for a future of the above but I wish you luck

Honestly, I do understand when women stay. For their kids, through fear of the unknown, for financial reasons etc. But I think you will be in for a future of the above but I wish you luck

And rightly or wrongly, they are pretty big reason to stay, so I would never judge anyone who didn’t leave

I was you @Amy8

Been married over 15 years. Knew we just needed to put boundaries in. Certain I could learn to trust him with time. Believed he'd not met anyone in real life. So I stayed.

I then found more 2 years later. Boundaries re-established. I was certain it was all just online.

When I discovered it the third time 18 months later, I was done. The more I dug, the more evidence I found that led me to believe he'd been meeting people all along.

I understand why you're staying. If I could go back in time and tell 2016 me what was coming, I still would have stayed.

I hope your OH doesn't throw away the chance you're giving him like mine did.

And some PP can't understand how easy it is to say "of course I'd leave", but how hard it is to actually follow through, as your children's lives are in your hands.

All the best.

I was exactly like you OP, and I think it's more common than people think. When I found messages, the bottom fell out of my world, it was just awful. Then I decided to give things another go, work at our relationship etc. I thought about how I could improve things, and make him feel valued and loved and desired, and how maybe I had let some things slip recently.

In short, the discovery of infidelity was horrible, but the period of working at it was the absolute worst for my mental health. It was hell. I knew what he was capable of, and he knew what I was willing to forgive. As so often happens, his bad behaviour was rewarded by my subsequent efforts to please him. And of course, he carried on with his unfaithfulness- of course he did, he had no reason to change, that was all on me- and his infidelity developed into something much bigger.

I also told myself that "men have needs", which is actually so dismissive and disrespectful to both men and women. We all have needs, but also we all have wants, and to have sexual contact with another human is a want, not a need. No man is so weak that he simply cannot help himself getting in touch with strangers and planning/fantasising about cheating. It's unfair to the man to project so much helplessness onto him. It's dehumanising- Everyone has free will, and he should be able to be judged on his actions.

I'm really sorry about your pain, and I understand your reaction. But please look after yourself in this period of reacting to your husband's infidelity. Don't take on the blame for what he's done. It isn't you, and until you believe that in your heart, you will lose bits of yourself as you try and try with someone you know is open to other people. I am happy now, but honestly, I will never be the same person as I was before I started trying with a cheater. I wish I could go back and give a big hug to the me who thought I could make myself good enough for someone who was willing to risk losing me over a few kicks.