Found messages to other women

[Amy8]

Well we have seen this type of post on here a million times - so it’s cliche to even write this , and annoyed with myself for being “that stupid woman,” who’s putting up with his excuses but gut instinct is i do believe him

Found messages on husbands phone to other women - them advertising sexual services, so guess off some app or other, he said never met any of them and he would never.

just makes me sick more with the predictability of it all - he’s a great dad and partner , does pretty much everything at home…

we've kids , a house blah blah

what to do now ? This isn’t a question as to whether I stay or leave. I’ll stay or rather let him, but the trust is going to be hard to build again

Within 3 hours youve created boundaries worked on his motivations and created a stronger foundation?

If your relationship had such a strong foundation, then he wouldn't be trying to meet prostitutes behind your back.

And I wouldn't believe for a second that he hadn't met up with anyone.

Have some self-respect and leave him.

Is this how he feels too? Is he going to be working at this, or just you? Has he asked for help?

You’ve just shown him that he can get away with it. He has no incentive to change as he knows you’ll forgive him.

@Amy8You’re getting a hard time on here, OP, and that’s always the case.

How has your marriage been? How’s your sex life?

I had multiple traumatic births, bad postnatal depression and was made redundant while was on mat leave. I had also gained weight and just generally felt unattractive. As a result, we didn’t have sex for years.

Husband ended up messaging another woman. They didn’t meet (I could see this from the messages) and he claims he had no intention to meet.

This was many years ago and it took a long time but we got through it.

I can see now how frustrating it was for him not having sex for literally years. I had no sex drive at the time so I was oblivious to how bad things were. Now that I am feeling like myself again, if he refused sex with me for years I would really struggle as well.

I would feel very differently, however, if we had been having sex and he had still gone looking elsewhere.

Which is why I’m asking what your situation is and what prompted him to do this.

Yes I would leave.

Have you booked in for an STI check?

I’ve had sti checks recently as had to have a coil fitted - since he told me

relax

He’s besides himself - yes

You've made your mind up so came to say best of luck.

Yes we have been but I think I’ve hit peri meno
it’s not an excuses to do what he did but I’ve withdrawn emotionally and physically - we’d also had a pretty active one before then and now im
on a plan to manage it, have never felt better

it Isn’t about taking him back, I’m just not going to give up on us - and he’ll have more than enough making up to do

I know for sure he didn’t meet any of these “women.” I say it like that as I also know the accounts were fake.

given his job - he’d have no time to meet anyone, unless he’s lying about going to work. That I know is impossible too.

he was after something for sure , as a woman ill
never get it or completely forgive it but I can try to understand

but yes, new hair - welcoming other male attn from afar and back to my gym
Routine will help with my own self confidence

I don’t know anyone knows for sure what they would do in this situation until they are in this situation, all anyone can do is keep their eyes open to the truth and make a decision based on their own boundaries and circumstances.

Also so many women are bs’ing that they’d leave - I’m just honest that I can see work to do

I am well aware and need to re-establish mine

This. OK, so you don't want to break up with him - but unless you give him the shock of his life, then nothing will change. If everything carries on the way it was, then he's got away with it, and it will happen again. Could you chuck him out for a few days? Without giving him any inkling of when he'll be allowed back again?

I don’t think it’s BS. We all have our own boundaries. Cheating is one thing I could never forgive, particularly cheating as calculated as this. In chats with friends, I’ve always said I could forgive a slip of a hand in anger before I could forgive unfaithful behaviour. I despise violence and will never condone it, but I could just about understand how somebody could lose control in a tense situation. But when it’s deliberate behaviour such as this - searching women online, engaging with multiple over a period of time - it’s just not forgivable for me. I could not allow him to stay. Intimacy is sacred for me. My body belongs to him, and his to me.

We all have our own boundaries, and if you’re willing to work at it, that’s great for you and I truly hope it works out and he treats you with the love and respect you deserve. But it’s not BS for other women to say this is where they draw the line.

You do what you want but don't do it on the basis of reassuring yourself that most women would also put up with this. Hopefully he's truly sorry and it all works out but someone sending those kind of seedy messages - all I will do is wish you good luck.

I agree with this.

If you’re desperate to stay with him then I guess you learn to turn a blind eye, maybe message a few other men yourself? Some marriages work quite well where the husband and wife have a quiet understanding that they’ll turn a blind eye as long as they are discrete.

I left when my ExH was cheating, my life and self worth improved dramatically!
Surely you deserve better than this?

They always are once they’ve been caught.

No attempt to really hide it
I’ve always known his password to his phone

Desperate ? Depends on whether saving my marriage is desperate and my children’s future

ill Continue to work at it and he’ll have to work to prove himself

I didn’t say they were sex workers

they were women off dating apps - with fake profiles

My views on physical intimacy aren’t as rigid and he knows that, for me emotional betrayal is worse than- if he’d slept with someone or similar

he hasn’t met these women. I know this,

id also have been fine if he felt his needs weren’t being met - but I think it was more for the buzz of attention , not that he sent them anything of himself

so I guess it was straying into territory that could have developed as cheating,

I respect your views but I also know men have needs and I know that we’ve both got work to do on fulfilling both sides in our relationship

I think it’s worth the work

How do you KNOW I deserve better

just because I’m a woman ?