Should I pay for myself?

[pinenuts75]

I’ve just been asked about half an hour ago if I would like to go out for lunch tomorrow by a male friend, I’ve said yes, but been thinking should I pay for myself? But then he has invited me out and last minute.

The responses you’ve received shouldn’t make any difference to whether you go out.

You have a friend who wants to spend time with you. Appreciate that, don’t give yourself a sob story about being alone.

OP. Don’t cancel plans that will probably make you feel better because of random strangers on the internet. The opinions of people you don’t even know don’t matter.

just go expecting to pay half and if he offers to pay the whole thing say thank you very much, that’s very kind of you and offer to repay the favour next time you meet. Go and have a nice time.

It’s really rude to cancel on someone when they only asked you the day before.

And of course you should pay.

You asked a genuine question to assess what the lay of the land was re lunch and paying-perfectly fine. I have read through all the responses and they too were answering your question and explaining why they thought you should pay your half. I am struggling to see why you are so despondent about the responses?

it’s perfectly fine to ask a question and also perfectly fine to get the responses you have got which were respectful.

Taking the responses to heart and saying “I don’t know why I am here” is very extreme and worrying.

I hope you can get some help maybe counselling or listening to some solid podcasts to help strengthen yourself and feel more settled and secure because you should be here and you have value.

Why are you not OK? You asked a question, people answered it. I think some people were a bit surprised that you would expect someone else to pay for your food as that's an unusual expection. But you asked, now you know, and can go out without awkwardness.

Well that is just cutting off your nose to spite your face!
You're being way over reactive here! Posters told you, quite rightly, Yes pay for your own lunch... and now you are being snippy and saying Well I just won't go at all now.
A friend kindly invited you to lunch, but now you're complaining that you're all alone... there's one way to change that... Go to Fucking Lunch!

No one has been rude or unkind @pinenuts75 They’ve answered your question straightforwardly.

Would you raise an eyebrow at a female friend not offering to pick up the whole bill? And if not, why not?

Can people not realize when someone is uncertain of social norms, and think a bit about why that might be, and be kind in helping someone figure it out?? If your adult child rang you up to ask you the same question how would you respond?

@pinenuts75 - the normal thing is to pay for yourself, that's what he'll expect. If he's sharing very good news, such as he had a promotion etc, he may offer to treat you. It's okay to accept in those kinds of situations but normally every one pays their own way. It's also normal to say you can't afford it right now and suggest a walk or a coffee instead.

You should keep going out and pushing yourself to see friends, even though it's hard sometimes it's ultimately good for you, and people value your time and company (evidenced by him wanting to spend time with you). You should also keep asking if you're not sure about social norms because someone nice will answer you, and you can ignore mean people online pretty easily

OP, please go to the lunch. It's too short notice to cancel and it sounds like it would really do you good (unless you can't actually afford it).

Yes assume you'll be paying for yourself unless friend insists it's his treat (he might be celebrating a bonus or something!)

You haven't done anything wrong here by asking. You've admitted you are nervous about social things so it's sensible to check what is the norm and you've probably seen other posts where posters expect a male date to pay for both (personally I wouldn't). But a male friend is different, so split like you would with a female friend.

Hope you have a good time.

He asked if you fancied some lunch, he didn’t force anything on you. Don’t go if you can’t afford it. Obviously you pay for yourself, why on earth wouldn’t you?

It does depend where you go, if he decides to take you to a swanky restaurant and you were expecting a pub lunch then I would assume he was trying to impress and would make sure he knew he was paying.

I think there are other things here which OP you may need support for, I am sure you have already seen your GP? have you looked at the local talking therapies service (linked to the mental health team)? is there anyone else you can talk to?

Don’t cancel tomorrow- go - and have a nice time. Your friend has asked you because they are interested in you and want to spend time with you. I hope you do go and I hope you have a lovely meal.

No, because they’re a female friend.

Ignore any mean responses OP. If you're not sure, it's ok to ask. I'd always pay for my own food and drink if a friend asked me out for lunch, or if was a date actually. If they insist on paying though, let them do that if they want to treat you.
If you're worried about the cost, you can always tell your friend that, and suggest a coffee instead.

Why would a male friend be any different? Why do you need a man to pay for you?

Especially a man who isn’t even your partner, someone you would do things to treat each other with. This is just a mate.

Why is there a difference?

Don't be such a drama llama. You asked, people bluntly told you, and you got all melodramatic. There's no need.

I hope you did go for the lunch after all - particularly as it would be very rude to cancel on the morning unless it was due to illness.

You have a friend who wants to spend time with you. That is a good thing.

My thinking is that if it’s causing any anxiety then just pay for both of them. I am sure you must have treated your friend to lunch before?? If he is a friend or more then they will go on more lunch dates and he will reciprocate. No big deal surely…???

As with others, I'm baffled. Why would you not pay? Would you have this dilemma if your friend was female? Why does it matter it was a last minute request?

Whats the logic behind that?

Has penis, must pay??

I don’t need them to. But I think they should 🤷‍♀️

Because I think men should offer to pay for women. Pretty simple really

Pretty much yeah

But you’ve not explained why. You said you wouldn’t expect a female friend to pay for you, so why should a male friend?

I hope you don’t have daughters you’re raising to follow this sort of nonsense. Women don’t need their male friends to pay for their lunch, and it isn’t a good thing to expect that they will. It’s really quite sad actually.