Was I in the wrong?

[Waterhorse46]

So I was speaking with someone who my friend put me in touch with we talked for a few weeks. Really clicked but then things went weird before the date. She spoke really highly of him. But his behaviour just wasn’t acceptable as he suggested a date and never followed through on it and never contacted me prior to say he had an issue with it. my friend then got involved as they bumped into one another and he said to her there’s an issue with distance. So I, being rather direct texted him

”Hey, hope you’re okay. It’s been brought to my attention that the distance was a concern for you. I do not appreciate how conversation had taken place elsewhere first. I should have been made aware, in the first instance.

You were under no illusion that distance was a factor from day one. If it became an issue, it should’ve been communicated as such, conversations shouldn’t have continued, nor suggesting a date you had no intention of honouring.

Whatever your reservations, whether it was the distance or maybe something entirely different. I should be hearing it from you. You’ve had a few opportunity to communicate this.

I do wish you well. Take care”

He then said “Hi

I totally take this on board and apologise. You are absolutely right. A conversation was mentioned but not the entirety of it or what I wanted to do potentially discuss with you. But this doesn’t matter now. I was only answering questions which appear to be posed by you from another person.
Anyways, I wanted to discuss the distance issue with you in detail, but I never got a chance.
Please note, there is nothing else as you have mentioned in your previous message. It was just purely the distance so I’m not sure where you’ve got this information from?

Sorry for wasting your time and once again apologise. Again to reiterate, the plan was to discuss this with you but looks like another person has interjected on my behalf and I should have followed up with you in the first instance. For this I’m sorry.

I do wish you well as well”

Have I been fair in what I’ve said to him and do you think he’s just deflecting. And yes I shouldn’t care but I do.

Why have you started another thread on this?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5444973-did-i-mess-this-up

I think we all talk to friends about who we are dating or currently talking to. I don’t think he did anything wrong, he suggested a date and didn’t follow through which js annoying but nothing was stopping you from bringing it up in conversation again.

The friend seems more of the issue here in spreading information which she may have added extra detail in to.

You’ve messaged him which was fair to do but you’ve given him a really big telling off, when all that was needed to say was, “it’s upsetting you’ve found distance an issue, I would have appreciated if you explained that to me directly.”

It looks like he liked you and was trying to figure things out in his own head but it’s done with now, I would leave it be.

As in the other thread you posted on this, he probably liked the idea of chatting to you and then went off the idea as it got real. This is very common in dating.

Sending him messages saying he should have made the future plans he probably wasn't even aware of available to you from the offset is a little weird IMO

You hadn’t even met him and so I think that message was a bit full on. Maybe he picked up on vibes that you might be a bit high maintenance. Why didn’t you organise the date?

Those messages are very formal. You sound like a manager telling an employee off.

So, I have no high maintenance vibes. I reached out first hand a couple of times to say how are you. How’s things etc. felt like I was peddling it and he less so. Then I said what about x weekend. Are you free. However after the apology I almost wonder if he was actually planning on speaking with me and explaining how hw felt and I’ve blown him off. Not only that but if he was planning to talk to me I still think it should’ve been before the date.

I don’t think you needed to text him tbh- it was done surely? So it didn’t need to be said really

I would’ve been very rude if I didn’t say things that way😂 would what been more of a wtf you flaked on the date then told my friend before me that distance was the issue. Seems an excuse.

Maybe. But closure is always good too

Who messages like that?

You're not the one who gets to decide if you're giving off high maintenance vibes. That's for other people to judge.

You're giving off even higher maintenance vibes by saying you have no high maintenance vibes

That message is incredibly intense and formal like you are chasting an employee .... but maybe you've been pen friends for a few months and an imaginary relationship developed anf you were angry / hurt. Very few people would go in that hard.

I did this once (and once only) in my 20s. we had met but 2 yrs earlier and i was dating someone... he repeayedly asked his friend about me, we had long chats and made it to a date (it took a lot of lift from me) but then nothing.
retrospectively i can see he was misetable mess (hi matt!) And i was well shot.

Your friends "meddling" is neither here not there you guys arent a match.

Tldr it shit but it happens. Dont get invested too early.

It's extremely common that things don't develop after one date.

You've only confirmed to him that he was right not to pursue it with your admonishing, reprimanding message.

I'm surprised he replied and didn't just block you tbh

You have the closure now, there’s no point going over every interaction to see if things may have worked differently.

Personally, I would try drop this now and forget about it.

Eh, you’re fine. He’s just never going to put much of an effort into things, and his communication is a problem, so I’d let this one go entirely- might even block him so you’re never a side option.
I can’t stand weak men, and that’s what he’s coming across as.

Jesus! If I’d received that message from you OP, I’d be blocking you so fast!

It’s just weird!! Who on earth do you think you are? You haven’t even met this man ffs!!

Your intensity is honestly draining…you’re not ready to date.

You shouldn’t have texted him. You sound crazy. Way too intense.

Between the the stern, rambling texts to tell him off, all the conversations with other people and two posts on here, that’s an awful lot of wasted time and effort for someone you’ve never met and I’m afraid does give of very high maintenance vibes from you. Just delete his number and move on.

That message does come across as very formal and ott, especially given there was no commitments really made as yet ie you haven't been dating for a while and then he springs distance as an issue.
I think just walk away next time and let it be. You rarely get closure in those early dating experiences

Maybe him telling your friend 'distance' was just a kind way of him saying he isn't interested to your friend to shut down conversation.
There was no need for you to message him. But it's done now. Move on and stop dwelling on it.

I didn't realise they'd never even met!

I read it as they'd met once and he didn't want to pursue.

OMG yes if you're sending someone a message like that to someone who you've never even met then yes you're totally in the wrong. You just need a bit of experience to work out how to stop giving off high maintenance vibes

You both text in exactly the same formal style. How odd.

This would ahve been an entirely normal message to send, and much less like something from a board meeting!

Honestly the tone of your message is way way over the top. Sure you were upset, but say that in normal words, not some waffle that sounds like you're upset with someone who is in breach of contract!

You haven’t messed up. You’ve closed the door on an already future relationship.

however, the style in which you’ve done it is quite bizarre. As others have said, I’d have read that as a stern telling off from my boss if I’d have received that text from someone I’d was getting to know socially. Very odd.

That’s what I thought. Maybe you need to loosen up a bit OP?

Time to put him on a PIP!